Take my hand and my whole life too...

Summer...

2011-06-26T22:57:00.008+01:00

Getting out of the house and mowing the lawn

Making your own ice lollies

Sun bathing in your 50's looking swim suit for the first time this year

Listening to all your favourite music

An amazing water fight with the boyfriend

Your favourite food

The start of a very good Summer!

Hope you all had sunshine or at least all had a good weekend. Let me know what you got up to. And kids remember sun lotion, water and a smile summer survival guide

Love

Simone

xxxx

Follow me, Follow me...

2011-06-24T18:53:00.001+01:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Because that's how I'm now following my favourite blogs!

Love

Simone

xxxx

Fashion picks

2011-06-17T10:00:00.003+01:00

I have folders filled with clothes and accessories and all the wonderful things in the world that I would like. So I thought I'd share and show you how I would put them together.

Front Cover Love...

2011-06-14T08:11:00.002+01:00

Now I've spoke of my love of Adele before on this blog. I don't normally buy magazines perfering books. But I was in Tesco's the other day and this beautiful cover jumped out at me. That is size 16 Adele on the cover of one of the most read magazines in the UK! I could have jumped for joy, A plus size down to earth woman on the front cover. Then to top that Adele is wearing colour not just any colour flourals a staple of the summer wardrobe!!! This is the best cover I have seen in years!!! I love it. Thanks Adele and Glamour.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Life...

2011-06-11T18:24:00.005+01:00

Lovely people I have been so crazy busy...

I have been working but this job is to end next Saturday which makes me sad because the people are so nice it's a joy to go everyday.

It's birthday season in our family there are 12 birthdays and fathers day from the 3rd of June till the 24th of August... I broke all the time and constantly worried I'm forgetting someone. Although it is my birthday on the 4th of July I'm super excited for my party on the 16th of July so lots of planning and calling of people.

I'm trying to lose weight because of my health and I am eating lots of lovely fruit and drink so much water so I have invested in a Bobble Bottle and I'm really excited for it's arrive if you drink water a lot please consider getting one of these.

My beliefs have changed a lot in the last 6 months and I have completely turned my back on a religion that I have follwed since before I can remember. But I am turning to science and what can be proved and everyday this gets easier. It is forcing me to do more with my short time here of what I wanted to do before but always put off. It also means I find myself trying the look after that planet more :) (see bobble bottles)

I want to get a new Tattoo I know what I want and where but funds are low due to birthday season.

Also I'm trying to spread some good Karma round the other day I was at the supermarket and the woman in front of me her card gor declined and then she was £2 short in cash to pay for her shopping so I lent it to her and everyone looked at me like I was crazy. This has happened to me and it makes me so embrassed. Also I have taken to making colleuges and family cakes. This idea was given to me by the wonderful Anna of Anna and the Ring

So how are you what have you been up to is there anything I can do for you?
Love
Simone
xxxx

Heathy...

2011-06-07T09:10:00.005+01:00

Found on we heart it, beautiful curvy women in Vogue!

Months ago I loved a couple of tops and they were in the sale only problem was that they we're three sizes too small. I was a size 24 and they were a size 18. Now I want to explain something right here I've never been small ever even as a child I was bigger than most children. I also want to explain that my family was the family that did things together like sailing, skiing and rock climbing. Our holidays were always surfing trips or group holidays skiing and cycling I was more active that most. And as a child I would favor grapes over sweets. I was at 10 told that the extra weight was fine because they predicted based on my family and some tests that I was going to be over 7 feet tall... no joke you have no idea how many tests I went through. I had size 9 feet from the age of 11 and I got breast at the age of 8. They all assumed that one day I would shoot up and thin out. Wrong I stand today at 5 foot 6 inches... boy were they wrong I never shot up and the weight never spread out.

But I battle with my weight, I put it on so easy and I eat well. I'm not losing weight because I believe that beauty belongs to the thin, this is far from true. My Sisters and friends they had when I was growing are/were beautiful, confident, large ladies. I believe a person can be interesting and beautiful at any size. But I know my weight makes my Mum and boyfriend worry about my heart and my health that is why I'm losing weight. I don't drink and I don't smoke and losing weight is what is right for my body. So when I tried on those tops that I before Christmas and they fitted, not just I could get it on but I comfortably wore one to work. Well that was amazing because I getting healthier and more confident and that leads to a happier me.

Now I need to tone up and pull in the wobbly bits so if you have any tips for encouraging stories I'd love to hear them.

Love
Simone
xxxx

LIVING...

2011-06-02T22:45:00.003+01:00

Once again I've been absent which makes me a bad blogger but I've said this too many times for it to really mean anything... but I have started living sort of. And it kind of rocks who knew?

Love
Simone
xxxx

Granddad Donald "Duck"

2011-05-17T20:05:00.005+01:00

A new Addition to my charm bracelet in memory of my Granddad Duck.

Tomorrow is my day off, as the other day I slept for 12 hours straight I need the rest there will be more posts this week but they will probably all be on a personal and sad level.

Hope your all well and life is going well.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Fighting back the tears...

2011-05-11T17:47:00.004+01:00

We arrived at the hospital to find my Nanny sitting outside with her friend smoking (she does that alot) My Mum and I ran to hug her, we stood together in tears. Finially we broke apart and sat on a bench. She told us that he had come out of sedation early in the morning, she had been sitting with him talking, his mouth kept getting dry so she kept wetting it for him. Nurses kept coming in and asking if she wanted anything and if she thought of anything she wanted then she was to ring the buzzer instead of leaving the room. She didn't understand what they were not telling her. His breathing became different she was close by him, someone knocked on the door and as she looked back round he had gone... he was at peace... he had taken his last breath.

She sat with him a long time on her own then once she was ready she left. My Mum, Dad and Granddad's Sisters had all decided to see him again. I couldn't... I couldn't face it. The last time I had seen him was lovely even if I hadn't expected for it to be the last time I saw him. There was a small room in the hospital where my Nanny, Mum, Granddad's Sisters and I sat while my Dad sorted getting My Granddads things together. I just kept thinking how lucky we were that we had felt the need to go up there on the Saturday and not wait till the Sunday. Everyone kept telling me how he had waited to see me and the amazing bond we had always had. They we're trying to be nice but it just reminded me of how much I love him and how much he had loved me and now he was gone. Gone how is that even possible. Someone who has been here my whole life that played such a part in the person I am is no longer around.

They decided to go to the pub over the road as they all needed a drink... I do not drink for many reasons I espically don't drink around times like these. They kept talking of the memories and the good times and I played along but in side I was broken and craving to be alone. Finially My Granddads Sisters went home and we took my Nanny home. How do you face the house you shared with the love of your life when you have just lost them. How is that possible, she was so strong and brave, I am in awe.

I looked over the little bungalow in a new way now, seeing his shoes and gardening hat where he had left them. Seeing all his faviourite food that would have to be cleared out at some point soon so Nanny could continue with her new unexpected life. She gave my Dad Granddads guitar and she showed me where he now kept the hidden chocolate and gave it to me. I hope that at some point I will get something cherished by my Granddad to keep as well. There was a breif mention of a funeral, but it was to soon for all that yet now there was just this great loss.

We packed up our things in the car, took one last look at my Granddads home, said goodbye and hugged my Nanny and we got in the car to come home. The car is silent the whole way home, I listened to my fighting back tears.

In the week since then I have struggled and cried with a million emotions. The funeral is on Monday and I struggling to deal with this all in my mind it's even harder to find the words.

I hope you understand the lack of posts.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Visting and passing...

2011-05-09T18:07:00.000+01:00

We we're meant to leave early Saturday morning to see my Grandad who is in hospital, he has cancer and now has liver failure and only 4 months to live. He asked to see me so my Mum and Dad drove me up Saturday morning so we could be with him by the afternoon. We called my Nanny to make sure it was still OK she said Granddad's Sisters are coming up (he never liked them) and it might be a bit much all at once could we come on Sunday we said yes. Then we decided that we need to go now even if we couldn't see him for long. We arranged with my Nanny to stay at her bungalow because she was staying at the hospital. That on the Saturday we would just pick up the key to their home and see him on the Sunday.

So off we went just the three of us, strange because when I was little we always went on holidays in this country we went to Butlins when I was really small, as I got old we got a caravan and would go to Dorset and Cornwall so the drive brought back happy memories for us all. It was so nice but sort of unreal.

We finally arrived at Dorset County Hospital which is huge, but a beautiful building and so still and quiet. My Dad already bee up on Thursday so knew where the room was and what to expect. I had been warned by my eldest Sister and my Boyfriend that he would look different. My Grandad a huge man over 6 feet tall with size 12 shoes, in my mind I always see him as the man that played squash with my Dad every Saturday. As we got to his room it had a large window and all you could see was a room was filled with people. Slowly people came out to let us in. I had to take a breath and hold back tears. My giant strong Grandad looked so little and tired. He was so thin, he had his pajama top open as it was so hot, he had no muscle left in his arms or chest and he looked exhausted. He very slowly looked up at me with his heavy eyes that were usually so warm and twinkly, they we're yellowing from the liver failure. I held his had and he said very softly and slowly in his light Dorset accent "Hello Love" how he had always greeted me and I said hello back. We looked at each other a while...
"I love you Grandad, I love you so much" I whispered
"I love you very much too" he replied at the same volume.
"I'm not very well love"
"I know Grandad I know"
"It got worse than it meant to this time sorry" he smiled at me

I had ran out of words and I was scared to hug him properly because of the tubes and things I put my head on his chest and he kissed my head. I still held those tears in. My Mum and Dad said hello and Dad sorted all of Grandad tubes and pillow being the only person big enough to support him. Then we had tea with my Nanny who was being so brave, to let his Sisters have some time with him. When we came back his Sisters informed us they we're now staying the night that they would be back in the morning but they we're going to leave us to have some time with him. So everyone left apart from My Dad and I. My Dad the only one of my Grandads 4 children that has a real relationship with him and me the only Grandchild he has ever spent any time with. We told him that we are going to the rugby finial together at the end of the month, (more on this later) I showed him my engagement ring which he said was beautiful (later he would ask my Mum if the boyfriend was good enough for me) he showed me his ring a watch that he has been wearing since I was tiny. I told him about going to uni and my new job.

We got him full fat milk the only he wanted, he wouldn't eat anything. He had to have his milk in a plastic cup with a handle and he shook uncontrollably while trying to drink it but wouldn't let anyone help. My Mum and Nanny came back and we sat together talking, and my Grandad fell asleep snoring so loudly like he used to in an armchair after all the dinners we had as a family over the years. He woke after 10 minuets and we said we would go to let him rest I went to him held his hand.
"I'll be back tomorrow Grandad"
"Will you take some pictures of my garden and allotment for me?"
"of course I will I'll bring them tomorrow. I love you so much your the best Grandad."
"I love you too." and he squeezed my had so tight I squeezed back and we said goodbye.

We arrived at my grandparents home to find all the furniture that have always had it was like going back in time. Money a neighbour owed them o just out on the doorstep all doors and sheds unlocked, this is the type of village they live in. We went to the local pub where there was a wedding reception being held and it made us feel like gate crashers. We sat in the corner quietly discussing how frail and tired my Granddad looked. I mentioned how I horrible it would be to see him have to live like that for four months. We went back to the bungalow where I Dad played my Dad sat in my Granddads chair and played his guitar, my Granddad had said he could have it. It's a left handed guitar they're the only leftys in our family. The sound of slow strumming haunting in the silent house, make me and Mum well up. We looked around the place at all the memories and gifts we had given. My Dad said he wondered where my Granddad now kept his secret chocolate stash he had always hidden it we don't really know why, we didn't look not wanting to spy. Mum went to sleep early me and my Dad sat up till 1 am talking about everything, he answered questions, we are bad sleepers it's a family thing my Granddad is too. We Finally gave in I made my bed out of chair cushions like always used to at my grandparents no matter what house they lived in. But normally my Granddad would be helping me not my Dad. After 2am I drifted off

Mum woke at 6 but I had already been awake I just hadn't moved. We had tea I put the living back how it should be. When Dad finally woke we got a message from Nanny saying they had, had to sedate Granddad at 4am he was restless and kept saying something didn't feel right, not in pain just not right. We got dressed and showered and then my Dad took me to see my Granddad allotment which was amazing. Potatoes enough to feed a family for a year, rhubarb, cabbage, spring onions, apple trees, peas, many fruits I was in awe of all the amazing work my Granddad had done, he grew enough that he gave it to neighbours. I was running round taking pictures of everything like he had asked me to. I was in the back garden taking pictures of the peonies he had grown when my Mum asked me to come in. She was being strange making sure the door was closed behind me.
"What's wrong?" I asked
"I'm so sorry Simone, but Granddad has gone."

How is that even possible I'm going to see him again that was the plan I've taken all these photo's to show him. I couldn't (still can't) get in to my head that the last time I saw him was the last time. Tears flooded out this great feeling of loss took my whole body as my family stood in my Granddads living room that he would never return to and that my Nanny would have to face on her own. My Dad went into over drive tell everyone that needed to be told helping and sorting that's my Dad being a rock for everyone else. My Mum told my Sisters and I told the boyfriend who was totally shocked. He took his last breath as I was running around his garden in the sunshine taking photos. We rushed to hospital to see me Nanny. We we're all totally in shock.

I need to break from going through it but I will tell you the rest tomorrow
Love
Simone
xxxx

Grandad Duck

2011-05-05T22:21:00.004+01:00

This little pink blog as been a little blue recently and unfortunately this is not about to change, I promise as soon as I get some good news you'll be the first to know.

My Mum text me today asking me to call her it's an emergency which she does a lot so I didn't think anything of it but I did call her. When she answered she told me my Grandad Duck (his first name is Donald) is in hospital. He had cancer last year and he is unwell again. I was upset instantly my Mum told me my Dad is in Dorset now with my Grandad he drove up there this morning. This shocked me my Dad and Grandad have never been all that close. Then I understood my Mum told me my Grandad has been give 4 months to live. Then Mum said very seriously,
"Simone he is very ill but at the moment he is still with it and he would like to see everyone now while can still hug and be happy. We would drive you there on Saturday and see him, you do not have to at all it's completely up to you."
"I want to go, Thank you."

The thing is My Grandad has been married three times. First to my Nan they had my Aunt Susanne and My Dad. Then he married Diane and she has always been a part of my family and they had my uncles David and Geoff. Then he married his now wife my Nan Trish they have been together since before I was born. But he left my Actual Nan when my Dad was 18 months old and didn't see him again until he was 13. Then he left his sons David and Geoff just as they we're becoming teenagers. So the relationship have always been difficult and emotional as you would expect.

But when I was born my parents worked really hard to make my Grandparents parent of my life I have 4 Nans and 3 Grandads everyone was included and it wasn't until I was older that I found out all these issues, everyone was nice for my sake. As a child my Grandad babysat me, taught me how to tie a tie even though I went to an all girls school where we didn't wear them, he taught me how to play chess, we would listen to classical music, he would take me to pantomimes and the dame sat on his lap, we cuddled, he ran me bubble baths, we ate ginger nut biscuits and tea, we went to London, to a monkey enclosure, if I stayed there on a school night he would iron every pleat into my school skirt and because they only had a bungalow I would sleep in with my Nan and he would sleep in the living room or we would set up camp together in the living room. I think I the relationship we have is very different from the relationship anyone else has has with him. I think this meant a lot to him that his son who he could have done better for gave him the chance to be a good grandparent. I love him very much.

On Saturday my parents and I are driving up to see him and I'm frightened because I haven't seen him in a while so he will already look older than I remember and then he will be ill as well and I don't want to walk in and cry but I know he will. He's not even that old. I love my Grandad. The thought of someone that has always been in my life and always been be so close passing away is scary.

Please think of him.
Love
Simone
xxxx

I'm back...

2011-05-04T16:48:00.003+01:00

As I said last week I went away to figure some things out well now I'm back and I have glandular fever! I am so ill. My new job is only for 6 weeks and no one told me. I told my Mum what was going on with the boyfriend and she told me I was asking to much of my boyfriend and she understood where he was coming from, That I should go back home because I can't live there because she would end up killing me. I also half of my family have planned to go on holiday for my 21st including my Mum and Dad they're all only going somewhere in this country but didn't think to plan their holidays around my 21st. Oh and on top of everything I asked my boyfriend last night if I could buy a dress (as I don't have money, as I have been unemployed) it was already in the sale and I could have worn it for work and everyday and we have not celebrated me getting a job and he said I could only get it if I found a discount code which I couldn't so no dress! I am generally rather pissed with the way I am being treated and I am fed up of being nice to everyone and get walked over. Things are about to change!

So From and very sick and upset blogger I tell you I will blog when I can at the moment but being is just making me sleep all the time.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Head or heart...

2011-04-27T19:56:00.003+01:00

Love is a funny thing; You find someone for what ever reason and give them everything you have. Your hopes, dreams, feelings, insecurities, heartaches and everything else you can, you trust them. But they're just a person, and people are known for their mistakes. So what's the difference between a mistake and the start of a behaviour you haven't seen yet, between a secret they didn't share but knew about all along?

My Mum says that one burst of violence is not justified for any reason that it will never be just once. But when you think about that idea, that hidden some where, maybe down the line is more violence maybe more serious and then you put that idea in the same thought as someone you love, as someone you gave everything too of someone you made promises and plans with... well it seems ridiculous... but also it is utterly terrifying.

Think about all the ammunition they have, think about how much you might be willing to let them get away with. So for the first time ever I see the reason why adults tell their children they are to young to understand love.

You could go on for years having nothing happen everything could go to plan and this never happens again and you will laugh at the thought of walking away from your love and your future. But what if you stay and you fall more in love and let more slide and become acceptable and you've been in it for longer and you can't get out and you wish more than anything you had taken the heartbreak and life change at 21 instead of at 31.... it's all so confusing... head over heart which one is stronger?

That's why tomorrow I'm going away for a few days to listen to both, not surrounded by my home and all the trinkets of our love it is filled with. This maybe be the toughest thing I have ever had to consider. Again sorry if this is too personal, and if you have any advise comment or email.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Worst Blogger...

2011-04-26T10:48:00.002+01:00

.... ever!

I'm so sorry I did my whole, it's a brand new blog, everything is going to be different, I have all this amazing stuff for you and then I just disappeared that's just not on. So here's how it went down.... (It goes on to be about a fight between me and my boyfriend that turns bad, I'm writing this more for me than for people to read, I totally understand if you skip today's post and I'll be back tomorrow with more usual posts, Thank you)

On Tuesday I went for an interview at a recycling centre to be the person you call up and complain to and I was truly very happy because I have a job. So I called everyone and got all excited and then the boyfriend comes home and tells me he's sick... so there is no celebrating no excitement and I go to bed and 8.30pm. Yeah was not a happy person.

Wednesday I bottle up how irritated I am that the person I love didn't really care I got my new job after how long I have been applying and been getting rejected. I make his lunch, I iron his clothes, I make sure he has medicine for his cold, I clean our room and I unpack the dishwasher. When he gets home he is in a crap mood again. I get it his ill but he comes in and he's rude and he is having a strop that he has to take the washing up while I'm making him coffee then he dumps it on the bed instead of putting it away and starts reading without asking how my day was or how I am or telling me how he is. Now I'm steaming and it all comes out in one long stream of words...

"I got my job you weren't even happy for me, you didn't offer to celebrate, all I do it tidy up after everyone and no one even says thank you, you treat me more like a slave than a girlfriend, you never talk to me, we discussed you doing more at the weekend around the house ans here you are not doing anything again, your direct debit that you said would come out of my account once is coming out monthly and I don't have a job so now I'm £160 overdrawn on my account so when I do get paid I won't get any of it because it will pay off your debt!"

Yeah I really went for it like you wouldn't believe I'm crying and then he is shouting...
"I was happy but I was sick, We don't have money to celebrate, (we do for game rental though) I get games because I work and it's my money, Why should I have to tidy up I'm sick and have been at work all day, I didn't know the money was still coming out of your account I'll pay it off when I can."

Then it got more and more heated until he started pointing right in my face and looked like he wanted to kill me... and then it was so quick I don't really remember how it happened but I got hit in the face... hard. I thought he punched me but I'm not sure and he said he didn't. I pushed him back out of pure shock and cried loads, in all of this the leg on out bed broke of and I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. My jaw felt so heavy and my jaw is still locking up all the time. I eventually came out and we worked on fixing the bed, he cried and said sorry although he did not punch me and I put on a smile like I always do and said "I'm fine".

So this week has been difficult I'm still at home, more for the fact I have no where else to go and I'm still not sure how I feel about this, It felt like it happened to someone else. There is no one I can tell as my parents would say you made your bed lay in it. My sisters are busy and my friends live miles away. My jaw aches and he said sorry loads of times.

Any way I'm OK and I just needed somewhere that I could get this off my mind and to explain why I couldn't get my brain together to post last week. I don't really know where it goes from here this has happened once before and I think twice might be one to many for me. If you have been in this situation before please let me have any advice you've got email me if you don't want to comment. I feel so silly that I'm making such a huge deal of this when some women go through much worse.

Sorry for the over information, over sharing post.
Love
Simone

An update to hidden wonderland...

2011-04-19T16:20:00.003+01:00

This post was about going to the interview and the post I'm now writing is to update and tell you I got the job!!!!

It was all because of the wonderland garden and now I'm pretty much doing this...

Love
Simone
xxxx

Hidden wonderland...

2011-04-19T14:24:00.006+01:00

I had an interview at 11.30 this morning for a recycling company. Its in a place I have never been to before, I've only been past by bus. So I had no idea how long it would take me to find it it and looked it up on the Transport For London Website left a little earlier than suggested... I ended up in the area an hour early! But that was OK because I still had to find the place yet. A very nice man was cutting the grass so I asked him and he laughed as he told me the building I wanted was right behind me... I'd be waiting a while.

The recycling company is opposite a huge park and on the edge of that park is a wonderland! A tiny circular gated memorial garden. With an amazing huge twisting old tree right in the centre. There are the most fantastic brightly painted seats that are huge my feet almost couldn't touch the ground. All the plants are scented so it smells wonderful and there butterflies and birds every where. I had an hour to kill so sat on the bench under the sun oh the unexpected heat wave we are experiencing. It was bliss!

*I love the message on this bench*

So you can imagine I went to my interview very relaxed and happy and I think it went really well. I was just so shocked that this magical place is so close to my home and this is the first time I've seen it. Now I hope I get the job just so I can sit and eat my lunch in this wonderful space.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Education, gifts & 21st birthdays...

2011-04-18T14:40:00.003+01:00

I'm going to be 21 in July, which is awesome because I planned for my 20's to be my decade and 20 has been a bit hit and miss so far. It is however also quite scary as it means I'm a serious grown up. Anyway back to the point it's my birthday on the 4th of July and people are already asking what to get me as it's a biggie.

For ages I have wanted a digital SLR camera, for about 6 years but they're pricey. My Mum and Dad knew this and when I told them that I was going to university they said as a 'We're so glad your going to uni & a 21st birthday present' That they will get me one. EEEK! Also the boyfriend asked me what I would want. I like gifts to be practical and that can really get some use out of so I asked for a sewing machine that may seem like an odd request for a birthday present. I have always been crafty but recently I'm finding my own style and the style I liking of basic 50's style and summer dresses is limited in my size, so I'm going to make some.

So to make the most out of these gifts I going to take some courses at our local adult college. First up a basic digital photography class, then a basic sewing hand and machine class, finished off with a fashion sewing class. Each of these courses is so reasonably priced it's silly and I am as excited about the classes and the learning as I am about gifts.

My Mum and Dad always did classes when I was little, they had a lot of fun met knew people and learnt new things all the time. Knowledge always excites me (probably why I want to be a teacher) so what better way to celebrate the fact the I have been here one more year than to fill my mind with some wonderful new skills.

Is there anything you have ever wanted to learn or take a class in? Have you taken classes what did you think? What did you ask for when you last celebrated a big birthday?

Love
Simone
xxxx

A good day...

2011-04-16T22:39:00.001+01:00

I share a lot of the crap that goes down in my life because if I don't let it out then I might kill someone. However when all the joys that life gives me I sometimes forget to blog about it because I'm too busy smiling and skipping.

Today was a pretty ordinary day really nothing magical happened, but I'm sitting in the bath (yes I'm blogging in the bath on my phone I know I'm crazy) surrounded by vanilla candles listening to my favorite music and I am content and happy peace. And the boyfriend is racing pretend cars on the xbox so he is definitely happy.

The last weeks was rubbish I suffer severely with acid reflux I can't even describe how painful it is. Which means I hadn't slept all week. So last night I was losing it, I was exhausted, in agony and just needed to rest. The boyfriend found extra strong pain killers and made me decaf tea (ordinary tea gives me acid reflux) got me ready for bed and we watched 30 rock. He was a magician the pain killers kicked in with the lovely side effect of drowsiness, the tea soothed my insides and my boyfriends hugs and hair stroking soothed my soul and sleep happened naturally.

This morning the boyfriend woke at 6.40am! But left me sleeping until I woke naturally at 10am because he knew I needed it. We had breakfast together, sorted with his mum all the new food we want as we're jointly trying to live healthier. We got his bike out the shead and washes it all down so we can use it more but it needs new tyers. Then he played rock band while I searched for courses (more on this in another post) and other things and it was wonderful.

Then I cooked dinner, cheese burgers yum! These burgers are so big our grill can only take two at a time so I cooked his first. He sorts the buns and cheese I the burgers always the same. He wondered off to the the living room as he was coming back I hid behind the door to jump out and scare him... it worked lol. It resulted in him tickling me until I was laughing so much I couldn't breath, he was really laughing too it was a lovely moment. Not something mind blowing or earth shattering but one of those moments I hope never to forget.

Then his dinner was done I started mine but I forgot to empty the fat out of the grill pan before I started mine the grill was on super hot and the fat caught fire! Flames jumped out of the grill I've never seen anything like it in real life. I instantly panicked and started shouting. The boyfriend doesn't know what to do (he told me) then his brain kicked in and he was wetting towels and throwing them on the fire. Seeing him taking control calmed me and my brain kicked in. I got a wet towel put it round my hand and got the pan out of the grill once on top the oven the boyfriend threw one more wet towel on the grill and the flames wet out. I was shaking and in shock he was totally cool hugging me saying Simone its good it, we're ok. We make a good team it doesn't always take flames for me to see it, but we really do make a good team and sometimes I that for granted.

He knows how to sooth my pain, to keep me calm, to solve my problems, make me laugh till I can't breath, he knows me like no other and I him. Tonight I am very aware of this and unbelievably grateful. To have my best friend and to know on the days that I write more about that aren't so great that he'll still be by my side fighting it with me. It's late and the vanilla may be going to my head but I feel very lucky and fortunate. I think I take it for granted a little to often and that's going to change.

So what/who are you thankful for? And why?

Love
Simone
xxxx

Role Model...

2011-04-16T19:08:00.003+01:00

... Adele

”I love food and hate exercise. I don’t have time to work out… I don’t want to be on the cover of Playboy or Vogue. I want to be on the cover of Rolling Stone or Q. I’m not a trend-setter… I’m a singer… I’d rather weigh a ton and make an amazing album then look like Nicole Richie and do a shit album. My aim in life is never to be skinny.”
-Adele Adkins

Because I am a big girl and I have a mind and a voice and that should always be more important than what size I am or what clothes I wear. I love her voice it's like pure heaven and lyrics from a brilliant mind and open heart.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Personal Pretty - Hair Bows & Head Bands

2011-04-14T17:48:00.000+01:00

I had my hair cut last night... and no I didn't have my head shaved. The boyfriend look horrified when I showed him yesterdays post and said I loved her hair. My hair dresser gave me a beautiful new side fringe and some lovely layers. So now when my hair drys naturally it goes into gorgeous beach waves. YEY! Summer nautural hair.

So to go with my lovely new hair I'm totally lovely bow hair accessories! My two favuorite places for hair accessories are Ban.do and Accessorize. So lets see some pretty shall we...

Band.do Signature Scarf & Two Tone Satin Sash

Accessorize Chiffon Bow Bando, Summer Rose Jersey Twisted Alice Band & Twisted Printed Turban Alice Band

Accessorize Amalfi Butterfly Bow Alice Band, Tropical Stripe Trim Bow Alice Band & Florence Floral Alice Band

If I could splash out then I would love this beauty from Butler and Wilson. Just look how wonderful it is it's the Multcoloured Crystal Flower Hairband I want it sooo bad!
But if I won the lotto it would have to be the amazing Louis Mariette... This is where the real sparkly pretty is. I present Fleur & Venus...

So what do you think? Do you know any other great places for hair pretty that you could suggest?

love
Simone
xxxx

Hair Crush...

2011-04-13T14:04:00.003+01:00

Ginnifer Goodwin

I am looking for inspiration with my hair and was looking on google and found this picture. Just look at her! I love her I have done since I saw her in the film Mona Lisa Smile. But she looks gorgeous! I wish I was this brave with my hair. She is so gorgeous! Huge girl crush.

I have done the short hair thing and it suits but I get so bored and start thinking I look like a man because I never really know what to do with short hair. I now have long hair and I know how to make it look good but it takes so much effort everyday. It also isn't very easy to stand out. Any way our hairdresser is coming tonight she comes every two months. I was hoping you can give me some awesome hair ideas so I can look as stunnning as Miss Goodwin.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Personal Pretty - Bikes

2011-04-12T10:35:00.011+01:00

So the first proper post on the new look blog is all about bikes. Yeah I know doesn't sound thrilling but I'm not talking any old bike my friends... oh no! I about to show you the most beautiful bikes I have ever seen, bike art if you would. Most are from Electra and one from Pashley. I give you the comfort bikes....

Electra Amsterdam

Electra Cherry

Electra Daisy

Electra Flower (I LOVE!!!)

Pashley Poppy

I Currently live in an area close to London with very good public transport and What ever uni I get into will be near a city with public transport and I love trains so there is no need for me to have a car. (also I had a horrible experience with the 5 driving lessons I had)

I would love one of these bikes I have always been a fan of bike riding since I was tiny and had my own seat on my Dad's bike. I love the outdoors, the fresh air, getting to see places not just pass them. Also how amazing would it be riding one of these bikes in a little summer dress! (I long to be Allie in the film, The Notebook)

Maybe if I'm really lucky I could afford one of these before I'm 30, as they range from £400 - £600. A little too rich for me at the moment. Any way how do you feel about bikes? When was the last time you rode one? Do you have a secret bike crush like me?

Love
Simone
xxxx

*This is not a sponsored post I am just in love with the bikes, maybe if it were I could afford one lol*

Finding and discovering

2011-04-11T16:36:00.003+01:00

Well I said in my last post that I would be explaining the revamp and where I'm going with the blog now that the wedding plans are off. The answer is really where ever the wind takes me. I'm saying this as a person that loves to have a plan and know where things are heading, that defiantly hates surprises.

In the last two years I have been activity in a job for 6 months not by choice. I have planned to get a job, (and keep it) planned to get married, planned to rent a place with the boyfriend, (difficult without a job, funny that) planned to go to university, planned to lose weight, planned to read more, planned to see more and to do more. Where did all those plans get me... Heartache and depression.

I am once again unemployed, I still living with my boyfriend but in his Mum's house, I am still engaged and have just called off our wedding, I have not started a degree or any course that will get me closer to teaching (the dream), I am probably heavier than I was 2 years ago but lighter than I was 1 year ago but nowhere near the weight I would like. I have a kindle I got it for Christmas as I assumed getting books when ever would make me read more often, wrong! I have been to so far this year one gig and 2 dates, I live so close to London that offers so much to see and yet I sit in our room watching TV box-sets and films. So the new plan is.. well to go with the flow a bit more. (some where my boyfriend is celebrating, I just know it)

The plan is to apply for university, I can do this in fact I have already started if I could just big myself up a bit and finish my personal statement it could be sent already. If I get in or not is up to the UCAS/university gods. The plan is to stay calm, fly off the handle me.... always. Does it help... No, does it just add to my stress until I'm crying and starting fights with the boyfriend... hell yeah it does. The other plans include having fun, this will encompass the doing/seeing aspect of the old plan. I'm always saying I'm this age I should have done this and that, or other people my age have done this why haven't I. So the things I do, I don't appreciate I do them just to tick them off some imaginary list. So the plan is to do things because there fun and they make me happy not because I should have done it.

Lastly I have never really fitted in, some cases I didn't fit in because I act and look older than my age, other times it's because I'm larger than the average size, or because of a whole list of different things. I always wanted to be someone else, I always thought I should try to keep up with fashion in order to fit in. So I never really found out what I liked or how I felt comfortable. So that is going to change I'm going to find a style and a lifestyle that suits me that makes me happy. I'm 20, I'm hopefully going to uni and moving this year there is no better time to start.

So the blog will be about me finding a discovering, clothes, music, art, books, hobbies, food and life. If you read some of the stuff and think hey I know something Simone would love then drop me a comment or a message and I'll tell you how it goes. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Love
Simone
xxxx

New, bright and shiny...

2011-04-10T09:06:00.003+01:00

Hey there,

Welcome to the new look Take My Hand. Apart from the obvious that my blog is now pink striped loveliness there are some other changes too. My about me page, well I have one, look at the top there it has my mug on it and lots of stuff about me. Next to that is my contact page which will lead you to my the blogs twitter and facebook pages and email address. I really mean this please get in touch I seriously love a chat about, music, clothes, the blog, me or just anything really. If you ask a question I might put it on my about me page so everyone can learn something lol.

Talking of the blogs facebook page I have had one for aaages! I wasn't however very good at keeping it up todate but now it's all linked to twitter on my phone. Which took me hours to sort it was a nightmare but the boyfriend jumped in and resuced me many times yesterday so huge thank you to him. (even though he looked like he wanted to kill me most of the time)

There will be more of an explanation in my next post about what the blog is going to be about from now on and why there are all these changes. I hope you all like it please let me know if you do or don't I can take it honest. If you have a blog which kick-ass or know one that is I'd also like some suggestions as I'm trying to branch out a little my interests are, people, music, food/cooking, art, homes, fashion just about anything really. I'll comment you and maybe you'll comment me and we'll be the best of friends so suggest way!

I'm back people sorry about the times away but it was neccessary and good I promise.
Love
Simone
xxxx

P.S. Listening to Florence and The Machine - Dog Days Are Over, When starting new is AMAZING!!!!

Forget your troubles come on get happy...

2011-04-02T07:26:00.003+01:00

I'm going to start by telling you the it's Saturday and I woke up at 6.40 am and stayed up because the weather is beautiful and I'm in a good mood... I know I almost don't believe it either.

So yes everything is up in the air wedding wise but why I am I pushing for a wedding I'm going to look back on and think why didn't we wait and do it properly. I have to calm down on my fear that everything is going to disappear if I don't grab on and never let go. So for now we are going to plan to go out for more dinners and gigs. I'm still trying to get a job so if you know anyone that needs office admin or shop assistant in London or Essex I'm your girl. lol

But something exciting did happen yesterday I got a new engagement ring!!!

I went for lunch with the boyfriend on his lunch break and we looked in the jewelers near his work and it was there for an amazing price as it's second hand and I had always looked at white gold, but it's yellow gold and I love it!!!! Because it was a small local business he re-sized it within an hour for me and I got to take it home. It's so perfect I can't stop looking at it!

I hope the weather is as beautiful where you are as it is here this weekend and have a lovely happy weekend!

Love
Simone
xxxx

The beginning of the end...

2011-04-01T08:23:00.004+01:00

So as you can probably tell from my posts and my tweets things aren't really going to plan...

The boyfriend came home from work the other day and said you know you want to go to university well I think I want to go too. He wants to go to be able to provide for our future family. This is great he finds it hard to do things day after day and could never find a reason good enough to stick at studying for 3 but now he has and it's a lovely one.

So we looked at uni's that do courses we both want and we found 10, even better so we emailed them and are waiting for replies. It's more likely that we'll start next year and not this year. Although we would love to start this year. So the gives us at most about a year and a half at most and at least 5 months.

Then we talked about the fact that we can't stand living with his Mum any more and how we need our own space so second priority is moving out! This all sounds amazing.... but wait a second what about getting married....

The boyfriend got all silent... He explained that we would either have to do it super cheap and just get married or we wait. I freeze and think about this if we don't start until next year, then both our uni courses are 4 years, then we have to find jobs and a home, do that home up and then get married well that means that it could be 6 or 7 years before we get married....

So I squeak what about all this planning and dreaming and hard work I have already put into this wedding? He just looks at me and says sorry. I'm crushed and heart broken. I am also trying to think of every possible way to plan a wedding super cheap that is still amazing and I just can't I have no connections or support system I'm totally lost.

I have always dreamed of going to uni and becoming a teacher and it's amazing that I'm going to get to do that with my best friend/boyfriend but I've been dreaming of getting married a lot longer and put more thought into it and it's really hurting to let it go. I still keep thinking we'll find a way but it is looking impossible.

It's also causing a lot or resentment and fighting between us because he's just OK about waiting and doesn't seem to understand that as well as being something to do it's also a huge amount of what I write about on here and twitter and I love the community on here but without the wedding how to I really fit into that community. It also feels like when we lost the baby all over again. So I'm all over the place at the moment but if you know a fairy godmother please let me know.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Oh you're my best friend...

2011-03-30T17:57:00.002+01:00

(I didn't know if I was going to post this or not but I tell everything else. This might clear up my need to do everything like yesterday and why put the wedding off doesn't sit right with me.)

Its turning out to be a very tough month for me on the 7^th it should have been my baby's 1^st birthday, I went for an interview for a job that they basically told me I had then decided they didn't need anyone at all which means wedding plans are up in the air once again and it is Mothers day next weekend and that’s hard for me.

But today I am sad because it should be my friend Stuarts Birthday. He should be 24. But sadly he was taken away from us too soon. He was my best friend in the whole world, he became my family because my actual family are useless. He would let me crash at his we liked the same music and T.V. and although he was 5 years older than me and I was about 11 when we became friends it wasn't strange he was like my big brother. We met because I was out late just walking around because my parents liked me out of the way and he saw me and was worried. So he walked with me a chatted asked me why I was out and if my parents knew and as I started telling him about my situation he related and instantly started taking care of me. This continued as I got older, and my parents cared less and less where I was I would stay round his for whole weekends and then when he got his own place I stayed there. (his family we're well off) We would watch One Tree Hill together and he would make dinner and eventually most of his friends just figured I was his little sister. We never let each other down and we clung to each other. We made a family and it worked for us.

He is not like any other person I have met he was old beyond his years and the fact he had money meant he never struggled for anything. This need for him to have a family and look after people led to him getting married at 21 (yeah OK I know I’m doing the same) with a wonderful girl called Millie (she was already pregnant) I was now dating the boyfriend and we began to see less of each other. We still spoke everyday but we had separate lives.

One night I got a phone call in the middle of the night from Millie saying that Stu had been taken to hospital he had been in a fight or something and it was bad. So I jumped in a cab (parents sleeping wouldn't even care I was gone) When I got to the hospital his girlfriend told me that he had just gone out to get something from the shop, bread or milk or something stupid and some one had stabbed him. You know when you watch stuff like Grey's Anatomy and the lead is told bad news and everything slows down and sound goes blurry and they play a song over it all, this is 100% how it felt. Like my heart was stopping and bursting at the same time and as I tried to run to see him I just fell to the ground. This could not be happening this doesn't happen in real life. Not to people you actually know. Doctors kept rushing by but no one would tell us any thing me and Millie sat hand in hand silently waiting for news, seconds felt like days. The family I had made for myself was falling part right in front of me and I was 18. After hours and hours the doctors told us he was stable we could see him but not to expect to much we went in together and I wanted to throw up. He was always so strong and looking after everyone that to see him there helpless was wrong. He was awake and only saying single words and a time he looked in pain.

Millie went to call Stu's Grandmother to tell her he was stable and awake. It was just me and him I was sobbing although I was trying with everything I had to keep it together. I held his hand and he said very slowly, “Hey.....Princess.....Love......You”

I smiled burst into tears and when I open my eyes again he was struggling I didn't understand things were staring to peep, I was so sure he was joking like he always did, trying to pull one over on me. But he wasn't I didn't know what to do. I started shouting for help nurses ran in saying words I didn't understand and I was asked to wait outside. I ran off to find Millie she could tell just from my face. By the time we had got back he was gone. The people were starting to clear out and we knew I collapsed. She screamed and Doctors where talking to her but I didn't hear any of it. Then we sat in silence.

That was last time I saw my best friend. His girlfriend stopped me from going to his funeral because she was mad and upset that I was the last person to talk to him and that was one of the most heart breaking things that has ever happened to me and even now, when he has been gone for a while I find it so hard. I hear songs and watch our programs and films and I think of all the like things he would say about them or the way he would sing certain songs. He would have been here helping me plan my wedding to the boyfriend, The boyfriend and Stu never even got to meet. He would be up there standing next to me on my wedding day. But he gets none of that because someone decided that he didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart all the time.

That's the reason why I find it so difficult to put things off that’s why when and know I want something I try to make it happen because I know you can't count on tomorrow. Because I know what it's like to have family and I know what it's like when that is taken away. Lots of times in my life and been tough and unfair and sometimes it's difficult to see the light and which way to go forward. But you have to for the people that never got the chance.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Someone must have heard me...

2011-03-30T14:17:00.005+01:00

... because I just recieved this....

I entered the You & Your Wedding, Lush compitetion ages ago! and today they send me all the above stuff... I never win anything!!

So now I'm off to watch love films and smell delicious!

Love
Simone
xxxx

One of those weeks....

2011-03-30T08:22:00.003+01:00

... where everything goes wrong... so until I can get my brain together and figure out where my life is going... and how to put in words how I'm feeling I leave you with the sea... my happy place.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Make decisions for me...

2011-03-28T13:35:00.004+01:00

I just worked out that my absolute dream wedding would cost £5000... keep in mind that in London where this dream wedding would take place the average cost of a wedding would be is £20000 and that's a quarter of the price.

But the amount of money we can realistically spend on a wedding next year is £2000 yeah you read that right I didn't miss a zero it's just two thousand pounds. Which gets us married but not a whole lot else. So why not wait I hear you ask... because twice already we have tried to plan this wedding TWICE! once when we first got engaged and it was all new, I thought I wanted the huge princess wedding with dinner and dancing. Then we both became unemployed. The the second time we started planning while the boyfriend and I had jobs and I was more realistic about what type of wedding we could really have... but I became depressed and couldn't face it and then got sacked because of the amount of time I had to take off. This time I waited until I had a mega money job, the boyfriend had a good stable job and my family offered to pay for different bits of the wedding... and then my job didn't renew my contract, my parents decided that they didn't want to help with the wedding let alone put any money towards it. So what we have at the moment is that I will hopefully be hearing back from a company this week telling me I have a new job not a great one but a job. A wedding that is us getting married but it's not a dream come true or even half way close it's a lot of settling and taking things because they are cheap.

Again so why not put it off... because every time we have had to cancel the wedding I have lost a bit of faith in the fact that this can happen, I struggle between wanting to just marry my man and having a day we can look back on with pride and happiness. Another reason I struggle to put it off is because we can afford to get married with family and then spend the rest of the day just the two of us but we can't afford to have a reception with family. Which to most people would be a no brainer but our families have been beyound unhelpful and open about not believing this will last and feel that if i put it back a year to have a reception that I may pay all that money for and my family can't behave or don't particularlly care, it will have been for nothing. Also my family are a group of gloaters of "HA you didn't pull that off when you said you would!", When we try again it will be met with "Your planning your wedding I won't hold my breath."... Finally I'm just not ready to let this go I have already put so much energy into this I know exactly what I want I already have an amazing photographer and half the deposit for them. I already have places in mind everything is planned, my head and heart are in it and I don't know how you just let go of it for another year... again... I think I might just give up except it as something we're not meant to do.

Part of me clings to the fact that maybe if we hired a professional to help me plan they would have connections and be able to help keep this in budget and as a dream day but what wedding planner would take a wedding costing in total £2000-£3000 when they could have £20000 to work with... But then a professional takes more money away from the wedding budget... So I'm totally stuck there is no easy answer anymore... and I am at the point of tears and hiding under the cover... can't someone come and make all these decisions for me...

Love
Simone
xxxx

Could there be hope...

2011-03-28T08:43:00.005+01:00

... for the wedding planning?

It seems so, if you follow me on twitter (please do I love a chat) you might have heard my many rants this weekend about venues.

The reason for this being we were planning to get married in a church because it's cheap and easy... but it's not ideal, The Boyfriend is not religious and most of our guests aren't. Also the church doesn't give us a lot of room to personalise the wedding. We're huge on music but having our favourite songs at a wedding is a no go. The readings would mean nothing to most people if we have a church wedding and I have found some cracking readings of a non-religious nature that I want to use.

So we started looking for other places we could use to get married. This is a struggle when you only want your complete wedding to be 2/3 hours. Just a ceremony and champagne reception then off to spend the day together. Most standard wedding places offer the full shabang for a costly price. Also every where is so grand every some of the cheapest spaces are over the top for us. We are a simple couple with simple tastes and this...

...Is just a bit much for us.

So it's been killing me to find a space for 40 people for 3 hours at the most that is a blank space that we can decorate. Until I started looking for gallery's there is hope I got an email back today from one gallery that to hire the whole space for the whole day £500!!!

There is a downstairs space to this as well

The problem now is decorating this space to make it us... so we are really trying to keep everything super cheap and part of me thinks maybe a wedding planner might be the way to go. I dismissed this before because I knew how to decorate a church wedding and keep it cheap but with this I might need some help. So ladies this is my question do you know a wedding planner or someone that is starting out that is happy to work on a super tight budget and that doesn't charge the earth? If you do please let me know because I would love to contact them.

Love
Simone
xxxx

30 day song challenge...

2011-03-27T10:33:00.002+01:00

Day 6 - A Song that reminds you of somewhere...

Travis - Why does it always rain on me.

This song reminds me of Cornwall, we went to see the eclipse when I was little we went camping and it rained constantly and this song had just came out, but the holiday was amazing!

Enjoy
Love
Simone
xxxx

Uninspired...

2011-03-26T14:17:00.003Z

Lovely ladies I'm struggling and here's why...

I posted way back that it all felt like there was to much going on *Want to move out, get married and go to uni) and I felt alone, well I took your advise. Once I get a new job (fingers crossed I should have a new one next week) We will be starting to save up and moving out *Hell YEAH* and I've found out I won't be able to get into uni until next year at the soonest so right now the plan is move out and plan a very small wedding for just 40 people...

All good right... Wrong I'm just feeling totally uninspired with the wedding it's not the wedding I thought I'd have and my family aren't behaving how I thought they would. I'm struggling to find inspiration for decorating a church. It's a place I have known forever and it just doesn't feel all the magical... The wedding is missing a spark and I can't put my finger on why. I'm so excited about the getting married and the marriage but I'm just sinking on the excitement about the details...

Help?

Love
Simone
xxxx

30 day song challenge...

2011-03-25T08:32:00.002Z

Day 5 a song that reminds you of someone....

Kings of Leon - On Call

This is the song that most makes me think of The Boyfriend. When we became good friends and then a couple this album had only just came out. It was during the summer and we used to sit in the feilds at college laying on the grass under the sun just listening to this album over and over sharing headphones. He would sing the lyrics to me. Music is one of the things that brought us together. Now that we have been together a long time this song is even more perfect because he is always there. This was the song he played on his phone while he proposed and also the bass is killer, I love this song! lol

What song most reminds you of your other half?

Love
Simone
xxxx

30 day song challenge...

2011-03-24T13:22:00.003Z

Day 4 a song that makes you sad

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On

I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
Let the world spin madly on

And everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on
And the world spins madly on
And the world spins madly on
And on
And on...

This perfectly describe how I feel when i'm right in despression, but most of all this is song that sums up how I felt when I lost the baby and I can't listen to it without crying...

Hope it doesn't make you too sad
Love
Simone
xxxx

The dress countdown...

2011-03-24T08:53:00.003Z

Ok so here we are dress nummber 1... the dress I have not been able to get out of me head since I first saw it, the dress at all other dresses have been compared to...

David Fielden - 7240

Oh I swoon this is not the dress I would have thought I would be crazy about but oh boy I am. That neckline is just what I want it covers my bits I don't like, but its all laid back and pretty at the same time, the tulle at the bottom still says bride even though the top looks so effortless, it even has a bow one thing that definately had to be on my dream dress. I love it and the more i look at it the more i love it!

The boyfriend will love it because I would look like me and will probably wear flats under it and wear it with a cardigan lol It's frou frou enough to keep the ladies of my family happy but relaxed enough that I would feel like a total stranger. I want!

Hope you have enjoyed my dream dress countdown, you can catch the other posts here, here, here and here. Please tell me your dream picks or which of my dresses you liked the most.

Love
Simone
xxxx

30 day song challenge...

2011-03-23T16:15:00.002Z

Day 3 - A Song That Makes You Happy

I dare you to be sad while listening to this song and I bet you can't listen without tapping you foot lol

So perfect for this lovely sunny day... Enjoy!!!

Love
Simone
xxxx

The dress countdown...

2011-03-23T08:51:00.008Z

So we're almost at the finish line... Read here, here and here for the rest of the countdown.

But today we're on to dress 3 and 2

So at number 3 which is, Jewel JL307 by Priscilla of Boston

I love this dress as it is but because we are having such a tiny wedding and its going to be uber short, I like the idea of a short dress because I could wear it all day but everyone keeps telling me I would regret not having a big dress, so look at this *it's AMAZING*

I love it would be so cool lol *easily pleased* would solve all my problems. Again I like that It covers my back and it has such an elegance. I'm not sure about her shoes though lol

Dress number 2 is, Beatrix by Elizabeth Dye

Well there had to be a sort dress I'm still really undecided about a long or a sort dress, I think my main problem with a sort dress is loads of them are very 50's which I love but it just isn't my normal style or they are soooo plain! I really struggle to pick just one dress once I found Elizabeth Dye and then Sarah Seven. The reason I picked Dye over Seven for the number two spot was that I love Sarah Seven's dresses but I don't think I have the body to pull of one of her creations and I think my Nan and Dad would die if I wore and short dress with a corset top in a church lol.

So back to Elizabeth Dye all of her dresses are so whimsical I love them I had a really hard time picking my favourite. It bums me out that her dresses go to a size 12 as a lady a few sizes bigger than that. So it is not an actual option but I do love this dress and all its simple girly loveliness with a huge short veil is how I would rock it.

and tomorrow will be my number 1 dream dress!

Love
Simone
xxxx

The dress countdown....

2011-03-22T16:56:00.006Z

So its going to be a 3 post day which almost never happens

We're back to those beautiful dresses see the first and second posts if you missed them but on to number 5...

This is Estela by Rosa Clara

What a beauty I'd like to say I'd be brave enough to wear black but I wouldn't be, so I'd have it in white but it's every princesses dream but still has sophistication. I love how tiny and doll like this dress makes the model look. Simply stunning

Dress Number 4, Delaney - Vera Wang

oh how I'd love to be dressed in Vera wany on my wedding day, it's a long shot to be honest and I loved all of her dresses, it's understandable that when you think wedding dress you think Vera Wang. But this was the dress of her's I could actually see myself in simple clean with that killer bow.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Day 2...

2011-03-22T14:45:00.003Z

of the 30 day song challenge to day is your least favorite song

mine is Gareth Gates - Spirit In The Sky

words cannot tell you how much I hate this song then on top on that its sung by one of the worst manufactured artists ever! I am ashamed to put this on my blog.

Love (& apologises)
Simone
xxxx

We have each other...

2011-03-21T12:39:00.005Z

Saturday night I spent 50 minuets on the phone to my big Sister the only member of my family I could not live without.

We discussed our family and how we wished more than anything that we had the kind of Mother you could go to when the world was falling down around you... we do not however have anyone like that. This made me sad and what made me sadder still was thinking of all the 'friendships' that I have tried so hard to keep. All the emails, texts and phone called I sent and dialled only to receive no reply or call back. All those times I worried, hugged, went out of my way and fixed things for others, family members and friends and received nothing in return.

My family don't believe my wedding day should be an event because they care and think I'm worth it they think it should be an event because it makes our family look good to other people.

But some day long ago I met a boy,
that boy grew into a friend,
that friend grew into a boyfriend
and that boyfriend grew into a man,
I love that man very much,
and that man became my best friend.

He has loved me through fat times, ugly times, screaming times, crying times. He sat all night and watched me sleep while I lost our baby so when I woke up I was never alone. He told me my job we're fools for letting me go, he told me I deserved to go to uni, he takes days off work when I'm sick, he brings the junk food home on sad days, when I'm in depression he makes me talk and go to the doctors, when I can't face another day when I've been put down once again, when family show no love and friends show no kindness and we have no money and live in one room, and I look at him and say I've had enough, let me go I can't do this any more. He says he loves me, he needs me and that the days that are good are so good the bad days should be got through to get to them. He gives me a reason to live, to love and be happy.

So today I got a an interview, tomorrow hopefully I'll get the job, our jobs will pay rent for our very own 1 bedroom flat. In that flat we will plan our very small wedding where we will get ready in the morning together and go hand in hand to the church, where the people that don't believe this will work will be but we won't see them. Because I'll only be looking at him, the man I love, my best friend, he will be my husband and I his wife. We will leave the church as if no one else exists and jump on a train to Paris to get away from the mean people as we celebrate that fact we now have the family I have always dreamed of and one day we will raise children with love but for now some days are better than any fairytale, but on the days it's not we have each other.

Love
Simone
xxxx

30 day song challenge...

2011-03-21T12:18:00.004Z

On Facebook I have been doing the 30 day song challenge so I thought I'd do it on here so you could get a little insight into my world

Day 1 - Your favorite song

Lullaby - Sia

~
Send a wish upon a star
Do the work and you'll go far
Send a wish upon a star
Make a map and there you are

Send a hope upon a wave
A dying wish before the grave
Send a hope upon a wave
For all this souls you failed to save

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a question in the wind
It's hard to know where to begin
So send the question in the wind
And give an answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well
And you stood tall
Now you will fall
Don't break the spell
Of a life spent trying to do well

Send a wish upon a star
Send a wish upon a star
~

I love this song so much it's dreaminess and softness are magical. So many things about this song I identify with just so beautiful, hope you like it.

Love
Simone
xxxx

The Dress countdown...

2011-03-20T09:29:00.006Z

Hello ladies did you have a good weekend mine was fab!

So I thought I'd just right in with the next instalment of my top 9 dream wedding dresses *9 & 8 here* so here we go...

Number 7 - Light in the box *again*

Now this dress is one of my more detailed dresses with the detailed edge and all that crafted tulle this dress is as frou-frou of a dress as I can handle * frou-frou being a term my sister created when looking for her dress* I'm not good at lots of anything but everyone keeps telling me I only get one chance to wear the big frou-frou dress so my heart picks this one while my mind goes crazy. lol

Number 6 - Monique Lhuillier - Grace

Would you just look at that dress. I am very uncomfortable showing my back due to still being a teenager and spots being the enemy and am planing to wear a cover up with the strapless dresses but this dress has that covered. But I've got large shoulders and am afraid this would draw attention to that. I am so In love with this dress it's one of the last ones I found and I imagen it would make me feel like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. Again not sure that is the veil I would wear.

So again please tell me what you think and if you have pictures or links to your dresses please let me see.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Glorious Saturday For...

2011-03-19T13:06:00.007Z

...Dresses!

It's currently very beautiful here in Essex I'm sitting under an open window, feeling the breeze and the warmth of the sun while sorting out my music collection on the laptop, because it really needs it.

I woke up singing 'forget your troubles come on get happy'... which is almost unheard of.

So I thought we'd carry on with things I'm loving and it gets even better because the wedding planning is now ago. We are doing this, people will always try to get you down admittedly you hope it won't be your family but in this case it is I spent last weekend with my parents and things have smoothed out and they have agreed to help on set things. So the next few posts with be... Wedding Dresses

I'm going to show you the 9 dresses I've managed to get it down to lol. This is a vast improvement if I'm honest. I won't show you all of them at once. I have shown The Boyfriend all of them because I'm rubbish at keeping things to myself and I needed to show someone.(although "they all look the same" was not the response I was going for) I'm not saying that the dresses I'm showing you are going to be drasticlly different but they are the ones I'm honestly considering.

In reverse order - Watters - Sydney

Photo From Here

I like this dress it's not one of my top 5's but it did make it to the number 9 spot. I don't want something to grown up I will only be 22 when we get married I like this dress it's fun and a very fairytale dress, I'm not sure I could pull off that veil though.

At Number 8 - Light In The Box

This dress is from a chinese company Light In The Box that do their own takes on big designer dresses. It's good because brides can put up pictures of their dresses that got from the sight and people leave amazing comments so get a feel of good quality. My Mum is buying my dress but has said I have to pick my dress then we will get in made from a website like this (so if you have any recommendations please let me know.) I'm a curvy girl and I like the way this dress really shows of the waist which mine is quite small for a girl of my size. I would have this dress in ivory I think it would be so easy to wear.

Thats the two for today check back Monday for the next two.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Bloggers Day of Silence today

2011-03-18T11:18:00.003Z

grr my head....

2011-03-17T12:17:00.005Z

We are currently having new windows and doors fitted which is driving me nuts because they make so much flipping noise, I could put up with this, if for the last three weeks were not spent have our whole kitchen ripped out and refitted. Basically even though this house normally doesn't feel like my home it feels even less like it at the moment with random men everywhere. I want my routine back...

But until that happens *fingers crossed tomorrow will be the last day* I thought I'd share some of the lovely I'm currently using as a distractions.

I got two new lovely nail polishes at the weekend from Barry M

np304 & np309

I have been wearing the mint green one since I got it on Saturday. I love these colours so much perfect for spring. They also have a purple, blue and yellow in these candy colours that I can't wait to get my hands on.

Whats your favourite colour?

and later it will be what wedding pretty that is distracting me...

Love
Simone
xxxx

p.s. This is not a sponsored post I just really love these nail polishes

Hi...

2011-03-16T15:24:00.003Z

remember me... I used to write a blog...

Life has been strange it's been busy but sort of empty at the same time. My brain has been full and there has been lots emotionally but I can't actually tell you of any actual events that would leave me feeling this way.

Some things I do know, I can feel sad about how life is currently turning out and about the way my family behave but I cannot change my family and life isn't going to change over night so I'm going to just try and look at it differently.

I haven't been writing because I didn't want to moan about everything. But my mind is filled currently with my relationship that is going well and the wedding which is starting to form well in my brain.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Home...

2011-03-10T13:41:00.000Z

I'm just not sure where home is anymore...

Guilty pleasure....

2011-03-09T13:27:00.002Z

This program is currently drowning out how I feel. It's girly American rubbish but I totally love it so give it a go if you feel like it.
Love
Simone
xxxx

twinkle twinkle little star...

2011-03-08T11:11:00.004Z

Yesterday was the sad day, Which means I spent all day doing things, anything I could find keeping my mind off the fact that it should have been my baby's 1st Birthday. Which was working really well I didn't nap, I just had the day to myself doing silly chores and then at half 8 last night I ran out of things to do. I had started watching a film but the main character had what should have been the baby's name so I turned it off and the boyfriend was in the bathroom and tiredness kicked because I had been busy non-stop since 6am. In the silence my mind wondered to what that day could have been, it might have been a celebration of a year of firsts, first words, first time standing, first cuddles and kisses. But it wasn't, all I could do was picture this little person that didn't quite get here. My heart broke and I felt empty and alone and longed for something that I had put to the back of my mind so I could get through each day, but today was so strong in my mind.

The boyfriend returned from the bathroom and I was snapped back into reality and I didn't like is so started to snap at him because he had to ask what was wrong and because he wasn't sad we have always felt differently about the baby. Then he suggested that we use the lantern that we we're given months ago but had no occasions for.

I held the lantern for a while as the fuel burned, this light in all the darkness so beautiful and delicate. I watched it float quickly away becoming so small it looked like one of the stars the emotion inside be boiled up and I felt mad. I had been holding something so beautiful I had no control over it all I could do was watch it disappear and be left with a memory of something beautiful that was gone... I couldn't get it back no matter how much I wanted it.... I sobbed till I couldn't breath.

That's how I feel everyday and I can't make it go away, My baby is gone I had a few months of connection, love, dreams and plans that never came to be and although the pain does ease over time, my heart will always know and be a little bit broken because of it no matter what else might happen.

Love
Simone
xxxx

A sad day...

2011-03-06T12:09:00.004Z

Happy 1st Birthday...
Baby Beloved who should be 1 today
But was taken too soon
I love you and remember you always

Love
Mum
xxxx

Alright....

2011-02-25T21:10:00.001Z

This is where my mind is at at the moment...
Have a Lovely weekend!
Love
Simone
xxxx

What doesn't kill you...

2011-02-21T19:25:00.003Z

...makes you stronger...

That better be true. before we continue please read or remind yourself of this post then this post.

On Friday evening my Mum sent me a text,
"Hi Sim call me" the way this text was written could have meant anything my Mum still hasn't got a hold of texting yet.

So I called her right away in case it was important.

Me: Hi Mummy (said as a joke she has 3 daughters and we all sound the same so we greet her differently on the phone) what's up.
Mum: thanks for calling well the thing is I've been thinking and it turns out we're not going to be able to help with the wedding.
*Lump in throat*
Me: OK I understand *said a little higher than is right* Well no one has any money and all I really wanted was someone to plan with get excite...
Mum: That's the thing we just haven't really got the time. You can still come stay the weekend you we're going to if you want... but we won't be sorting your wedding.
(at this point I'm so angry It's like I can't breath)
Mum: well any way sorry about that, I've got to go some one's at the door...

I was gutted... I can't believe they offered to help with planning and money, they said we deserved all of these lovely things. They didn't want us to have to go with out. Then not even a week later take it all back. My parents have done a lot of really hurtful things but this is the worst.

I spoke to my Sister about this to see what was going on, maybe they're having a rough time. She said they're fine and she couldn't understand it because for her wedding my Mum paid for her dress and flowers.

I'm so mad and there's so much about wedding planning that's making me angry *that is a post for later this week*

Some times a girl just needs a break and cannot catch one

Love
Simone
xxxx

I would like...

2011-02-21T09:12:00.003Z

...a lovely piece of art.

On Friday I moved all of our room around because we just never had any space. It did actually make a difference and now we have a lovely blank wall above our bed and it is in need of a lovely piece of art work.

I have had my eye on Coulson Macleod artwork for a while and my favorite piece is this one...

I emailed them to make sure they didn't mind me writing this post and asking if I could use there picture. They have informed if you like them on their facebook page and they get up to 1000 fans they will give one of those fans a piece of artwork and the facebook page is where they put up all there deals and discounts. I've signed up hoping to win a piece.

So I'm asking if you have any ideas of any other pieces I should look out for?

[This is not a sponsored post I just really want this piece]

I don't just miss you, nor do I miss me... I miss the us we used to be....

2011-02-18T01:26:00.004Z

Follow on to elopement...

2011-02-13T13:30:00.004Z

So if you read this last post then you see how ugly things are this end and Jenny and Claire left some very sensible advice it gave me the shake I needed.

Education for me is something we really need for our future, for us to be settled. I won't be able to start until September. To rent a place near where the boyfriend works is stupidly expensive we can not afford to rent a place and have a life... in fact when I'm in eduction working part time it will be almost impossible so we cannot move out that is why we are still here. But when I start uni I will have to rent a place anyway. so we are planning to move out

But Saturday I called my Mum, In tears... Which led to me telling her everything, how no one supports us, how it's hell living here, how I don't know anyone, How we just want to be married surrounded by love and everyone is crushing it, how I don't know how the hell I'm going to plan a wedding on my own, how we are thinking of running off and getting married just the two of us...

I was waiting for the backlash, the being called selfish and being told I always make everything about me... But it didn't come... She said "Simone calm down I love you, please don't elope we want to see you get married, your Dad wants to give you away."

I WAS IN SHOCK!!! that was the last thing I expected.

Then for the first time ever my Dad came in on the call we only share about two words over the phone normally. My Dad planned their wedding all by himself,
Me: "can't you just plan our wedding because I give up."
Dad: "Simone come here for the weekend soon, and we will sit down and plan together, Write a list of everything you would want if money is no problem and I will see how many people I know that can do these things. (He runs his own business so people owe him favors and he knows a lot of people that are good at a lot of things) You might not get it all but we will do it together."

Now me and my dad were last close when I was 13 then this thing happened with a boyfriend and it was never the same. We have not hugged since and it is always small talk so this was totally out of the blue.

My Mum said but we've got ages can't all this wait... I was expecting this her to tell me to wait until 6 months before. My Dad stopped her and said it takes a long time to plan a wedding if your going to do it all yourself and it will be cheaper the earlier we book things. He never stands up to her and he was doing it for me!

Then I pushed it,
Me: in tears "But you don't even like the boyfriend you don't even support our relationship why would you help?"
Mum: "I'm sorry, we should have been more supportive, we do like him, we know how much you love each other, he took you in and you've been through so much. We remember everyone telling us how we wouldn't last and people didn't believe in us or want to help and we never loved those people the same."
Me: Silence now sobbing
Dad: "We are happy, please don't elope"

Mum: "and please for goodness sake don't grow your own flowers, I will pay for them, I will pay for your dress and cake."
Me: "Oh Mum thank you"
Mum: "If your Mother in law to be won't help don't let her she will regret it years from now, but you won't regret not letting her make you unhappy. If it gets too much some weeks come stay here for the weekend."
Me: "Thank you"
Dad: "You have always been too nice, you always go out of your way for everyone and you think people will want to do the same thing, it's lovely but you get hurt. So put you and the boyfriend first for a change and stop trying to make everyone happy. You will never make everyone happy at a wedding you both need to be happy"

My family are loud, ruthless and know how to say no, I have always wanted to see the good in everyone and I always end up disappointed, they are always telling me to be meaner and put my self first even the boyfriend does now.

Mum: "Simone, Mothers are blind when it comes to sons, look how long I put up with crap from your Brother, all those years of drink and drugs and tearing this family apart never saying sorry. I always made excuses it took a long time and a lot of crap for me to realise that he wasn't worth it and to cut him off. Your boyfriend is nice so she really doesn't think anyone is good enough, his Mum is always going to think your not good enough she doesn't want him to marry anyone."

So on the 12th of March I'm going to start planning with my parents they didn't even do this for my Sister's wedding. I couldn't believe it I told the boyfriend when I got off the phone and he was shocked. But it is lovely and maybe this wedding can be exactly what I wanted, a day filled with love and family. And for the MILTB she doesn't want to help she will regret that and living here is not ideal but we are together.

I just want to say thank you to Jenny and Claire for your honest comments and advice, I would never have spoke up if you hadn't have said this wasn't right I always think I have to put up with it because they are my family.

Love
Simone
xxxx

elopement....

2011-02-11T08:01:00.005Z

here's the thing our parents haven't always been so excited about us being together...

My Mum is big on appearances, money and how we look to other people. of course this is completely ridiculous as we lived on a council estate in Basildon Essex, but she always prided her self on having bought that house so apparently it made us different. So when I met the boyfriend and his house is almost identical to ours on the same type of estate apart from some where else in Essex it wasn't good enough because his family didn't own there own house. (When my Mum and Dad bought our house they did it because it was cheaper than the rent...) Him and his family we're good enough for my Mum's appearances.

Then when we got engaged she was slightly happier after all it was a chance to show off to everyone that we could throw a proper wedding, except her first words when we told her were not "congratulations" but "we are not putting any money towards the wedding". That's fine I never expected it but then she kept saying what she wanted and who she wanted to invite...

With the boyfriends Mum it had been just the two of them for a while and he is her little boy so no one will ever be good enough for her son. We started going out when we we're 16 at college and Mother in law to be (MILTB) thought that I was the reason he gave up with college when in fact we had both given up before we got together. Then my parents kicked me out (so things personally aren't good with my parents) and I moved in with the boyfriend which was a complete life line and I thought she liked me... she didn't she liked him and wanted to make him happy, times got hard she screamed at me and put hand written eviction notices on our bedroom door when she was drunk and would tell him loudly when I was in the next room that I had ruined him and he was too good for me. But he ignored her and choose me and decided when we were both 18 to propose to me he told his Mum first and she was very unhappy and asked if I was pregnant... (this did not go down well when I found out) and she told him he was making a huge mistake.

We had an engagement party and My Mum who wasn't thrilled we were engaged put her game face on and played happy Mother, only one of my Sisters turned up as the other one was pissed that I was getting married before her and MILTB did turn up but his brother didn't. My Mum tried to be nice to MILTB saying "isn't it exciting that they are engaged", MILTB got drunk only a few months ago and told me that she replied "No it's not it's a terrible mistake" so that was good. Both Mothers dislike each other and the fact we are together, MILTB then spend the rest of the night standing in the corner talking to no one and giving everyone evil eyes.

So we were already fighting all the time just to prove to everyone this was real because no one thought it would last. No one really wants to help or support us with planning or finance for the wedding. But both parents have people that HAVE to be at the wedding regardless of how they feel about our relationship. Also since telling both parents at the weekend my Mum has said that she will buy the dress which was a huge shock but every time I try to talk about the wedding apart from that she changes the subject. When I bring up the wedding to MILTB she goes silent and walks out of the room. We have a hairdresser that comes to our home and I was asking her about doing my hair for the wedding and she asked who's hair she would be doing.
Me: Just me and my maid of honour it's only a really small wedding
MILTB: what about my hair?
Me: silence..... erm well we don't really have the money for that.
MILTB: Well my other daughter in law paid for me to have my hair done at her wedding!
ME: in totally shock that she was saying this and in front of our hairdresser who was there for the first time... Well good for your other DIL but your son is a police man and your other DIL is a nurse and they have money.
whole room went silent I was completely embarrassed. This is the only thing she has said about the wedding.

When I told my Sister that is angry I'm getting married before her she said bloody hell not another wedding...

Also we haven't told anyone but I'm looking at going to uni to become a primary school teacher I would have to do a foundation course first and then my degree and then teacher training which would be a struggle, this would mean the boyfriend and me still living here for the foundation degree and then for my first year of uni be living at the uni and him living here to save money then finding a place together the year after. This will be a struggle but we know we can get through it but we need this for us to have a secure future. We can't tell anyone yet because my Mum is currently telling every one that I'm not looking for work I just want to get pregnant which is not at all what is happening and quite hurtful. Also we know that MILTB would try to stop us getting married if she knows I'm thinking of moving out.

The reason I tell you all this is that our family lives are difficult and we never feel supported even though we do our best to be the best family members we can be and it's getting to the point now where the day should be filled with joy, love and about the start of our marriage is becoming a day of keeping people happy that aren't happy for us, or making sure our families don't have to mix too much in case they fight. Which is making us want to elope to some where amazing just the two of us.

This was all brought to a head last night when we were sitting trying to figure out how we can make me doing a degree work and I am excited and happy about making my dream come true... then the wedding comes up about money and what everyone is expecting and how unsupported we feel and I am sobbing and hating my family and the mess that is becoming our wedding day and the boyfriend looks at me and says... "Simone I want you, I just want to marry you, I don't care about the bells and whistles. They have never supported us they haven't trusted that we know that we are right for each other, we are each others family already so why are we trying to please them why can't we actually just get married just the two of us?"
And that right there is it, what everyone doesn't see that they all keep forgetting, for each other we are enough just the two of us getting married but everyone else wants the bells and the whistles. It makes me so sad that they don't see what we have, but so happy to know this is the person I will always need and we will be getting married.

Honestly elopement is an option now and it's a scary one and I keep changing my mind, so I guess I'm asking for advice what do you think? would you ever do it? Why?

Love
Simone
xxxx

A new leaf...

2011-02-10T14:48:00.002Z

So today two positive things have happened...

1. I have started exercise, a work-out DVD and I am so unfit I am currently very over weight so this isn't just about looking good in a wedding dress it is about my health and confidence. My weight worries the boyfriend we don't talk about it a lot but it came up in things when we discussed marriage. He doesn't care what size I am I have been big ever since we started going out it's more my health he's worried about. I hate my weight and the wedding has just given me that extra push I needed to get started once I have a job I am going to start swimming as I love it.

2. I have said on here over and over that my dream is to be a primary school teacher but a bad experience at college and being told i suffer from dyslexia and ADD (attention deficit disorder) (it runs in the family) has stopped me from doing anything about it. So today I emailed some uni's with my grades and some have replied and one uni sounded positive and the others just need me to get my grades up a bit.

So it's on wards and up wards if you have any tips for losing weight or are/know a teacher that could give me some advise that would be amazing.

Love
Simone
xxxx

With the dream comes the real life...

2011-02-08T15:38:00.003Z

I suffer with arthritis which was passed on to me by my Dad and my fingers are now twice the size they were when I got engaged. So the original ring I got was far two small. This meant that I was without a ring for a long time. We bought cheap high street ring that turned my finger green but we didn't have the money to buy a ring.

Then I got that new job and we saved up and I finally had enough money to get a new ring we ordered it Boxing Day so it would be here in plenty of time for Valentines Day. I found one I loved from a company called Tru Diamonds although I liked a few, they're a British company that sell lovely CZ rings.

We received a letter of conformation dated 29/12/2010 that said it would be delivered in between 14 - 21 days. This Monday it still hadn't been delivered so I emailed the company asking them what was going on. They replied my ring is ready to be sent they just need payment. I was totally confused so I emailed them back and they said the letter was just confirming the order, payment is not taken till the item is ready to be dispatched. Which we were never told and was never indicated in any emails or letters or small print.

I thought the money had gone out but it was for something else. Now we don't have that money as I lost my job and our spare money is being put aside for the wedding budget. We had budgeted for the ring but that money is gone now meaning we can not afford the ring anymore. I emailed the company back explaining this and they haven't replied. In each email they sent they kept saying to call them and fix it, but that would be more money on phone calls.

I'm so bitterly disappointed and so is the boyfriend. He thought he had already got the ring as my engagement present so now there is no money for gifts and I will now just have to wait for wedding day and my wedding ring. But I was planning to get my wedding jewelry from there too. I have literally run to the door for the post man every day for a month for nothing.

Love
A very disappointed
Simone
xxxx

Yesterday was news day...

2011-02-07T22:21:00.005Z

So yesterday was the day we informed the world we have set a date.

I blogged about and my page got 44 views which is loads for an average day :)

Boyfriend told his Mum and she didn't really say anything.

I told my Mum and she was totally excited which I didn't think she would be so that so amazing.

I told both of my Sisters and only one replied... but at least it is the sister that always replies so it was no surprise!

My family are also really keen to pitch in and help another surprise.

So ladies are you ready? Lets plan a wedding shall we I will also value your hints, tips and advise.

Love
Simone
xxxx

The day we set a date...

2011-02-07T14:36:00.005Z

So yesterday I informed you we have set our wedding date for the wedding.

Yesterday was special but I need to go back a bit first, I first met the Priest that will be marrying us when I was 13, at a youth mass one evening just after Christmas for the Brentwood Catholic Youth Service... my friends dragged me along.

His name is Father Dominic and he opened his mass with this:
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."
From the start of Love Actually.

It was the first time I had ever been to mass and it felt like home, like there was a community, a family. A room full of people around my age that all believed the same thing, that all wanted more, they wanted answers and to do good together. I have been to many youth services and seen many Priests that lead those groups but none have ever done it with such understanding, love and commitment as Father Dominic.

I spent a year volunteering at the retreat centre for that youth service towards the end of that year things turned bad. My family turned there back on me, I lost two of my dear friends, another friend lost her baby and it broke me the depression started and the only people I had in the world were The Boyfriend, Father Dominic and another lady that worked at the centre that was like a surrogate mum.

I care very much about Father Dominic and we are very good friends he knows The boyfriend well and tries harder with him than sometimes my own family do. I email him when things go well and when they don't. He got me counseling when I needed it and he called my Mum when things were bad.

So last night we went to mass in the church next to my Junior and Primary schools, and listening to the mass was like going home and becoming whole. Then after we stopped had coffee with Fr Dom. He was happy with how far we have come and how strong we are after all we have been through and we set a date for our wedding, 20/10/2012. We planned before and had this meeting but when I left last time I didn't get the feeling I felt last night I knew this was it, there would be no falling through, we are prepared and Fr Dom is on board and it felt amazing.

I was practically dancing on the way home it's one thing to be married to a man you love in a church that formed you as a person, in a building you know inside out, but it's so much better when the person marrying you has seen your love and commitment grow, when they really care about you and is someone I couldn't get married without them being there.

It all feels a little bit like a dream at the moment.

Hope your having a good Monday
Love
Simone
xxxx

Exciting!!!

2011-02-06T22:38:00.002Z

So today we set a date for the wedding, 20th of October 2012!

*The Photo is one of my favorite's of us from ages ago, I found the Save The Date the other day on a blog but can't remeber which one please tell me where its from if you know and I will credit it.

Please help make a difference...

2011-02-02T08:21:00.004Z

That little boy is Ted, and he is my nephew's cousin. My nephew and I are very close in age he is more like my brother the reason I tell you this is that his cousin Ted at only 7 months old was diagnosed with leukaemia, which he had, had since he was 5 months old.

That little boy is really living and fighting leukaemia. Along with his family, he's not just a cute kid used in a campaign. This week Be Child Cancer Aware are trying to raise awareness of child leukaemia, in leukaemia awareness week for one week they are trying to turn facebook and twitter orange, hoping that people will put the picture below as their profile picture in order to raise awareness.

Do you know that cancer is the number one killer in children, higher than diabetes, asthma and HIV yet it gets the least government funding, in fact it doesn't get any. Leukaemia is the most common cancer and 10 children a day are diagnosed, sometimes too late and end up having very strong treatment if they are lucky enough to get that far. Ted's Mum and Dad, Sarah and John are fighting hard to make sure schools give information to parents so they can see the signs, on top of this and looking after Ted They have 3 other children and their lives are affected too.

Ted is in remission but is now suffering from chemotherapy damage to his bowel, which means he will struggle to go to school, he is meant to start next year. To read more about Ted's story written by his Mum go here and to read of other families and children affected please read here. So for the rest of this week please help and the families of children like Ted raise awareness by just changing your facebook and twitter profile pictures to the picture above and help to make the Internet orange. If you could also put the picture on your blog or link to this post to spread the information further that would be amazing thank you.

I'd be forever grateful
love
Simone
xxxx

There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea...

2011-01-31T21:29:00.007Z

Now don't get me wrong, I love tea as much as the next Brit... but well... the wedding industry and blog land have killed the tea party for me...

Me and my Mum used to have weekly tea parties after school on a Thursday. It would consist of a mismatched tea set, a pot of tea, cakes, biscuits and cucumber sandwiches. It always felt very grand we some times would sit in the garden to take tea... We lived in a council estate in Basildon and I'm pretty sure that none of the other girls did this when they got home from school.

So when I started planning the wedding for the first time a couple of years ago a tea party sounded like a fabulous idea very fitting for my love of the British tea party. But then slowly everyone was throwing one for there reception. Then Tim Burton made his version of Alice in Wonderland, and well the tea party exploded!

The edgy beauties over at Rock 'n' Roll Bride were throwing the most astounding Alice tea parties like this.

Pilster Photography

and the sophisticated ladies over at Rock My Wedding were throwing vintage tea parties like this

Simon Fazackarley

and as awesome and as beautiful as these tea parties are feels like so unoriginal I thought about brunch but this would need to be earlier than we can have our reception. I wanted whites and golds, regal looking, sophisticated and elegant which would have worked best with candle light and dinner but we can't afford it so I thought a relaxing brunch but I can't find a caterer that will work with this idea. So I'm totally stuck I don't want to throw another standard tea party reception that's been done before and I completely at a loss at what to do.

I'm normally so creative, its killing me that I can't think of anything original or something I love so much that it doesn't matter that it has been done before.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Wedding films...

2011-01-31T15:55:00.005Z

Oh I do love a wedding ladies, I think we all do but I actually don't get invited to many so when I need my wedding fix I first turn to the blogs and then to the movies.

There are loads of wedding films out there that I could watch time and time again but the one I watch more than any other is Sex and the City the movie.

OK so I know this seems like an odd choice I mean would you look at that spectacle above, but when you really look at Sex and the city (if you watched the TV show also) it promotes keeping up with fashion and trends but when it comes to relationships, love and marriage it is surprising inspirational.

The things I take from this film are;

Don't let the wedding get bigger than Big - He had been married before and they had agreed on a small wedding of 75 of there nearest and dearest and then... Oh yes Carrie receives a wedding dress from Vivienne Westwood. (don't we all) Then the whole world is suddenly invited without the groom knowing because he was busy trying to sort out their new house for them to move into.
- I let this happen when we were planning before, well not exactly like that but people start telling you what you need to have and so do wedding magazines and before you know it your planning an all out circus, some where along the line the Groom never got told. It would throw you too if you turned up and your Groom a costume on and you were about to declare your eternal love in front of complete strangers. I have about a million wedding ideas every day and I could justify using all of them, which would be a mess so I run it past the boyfriend, the shy and sensible one of the couple and we keep the things that suit us and throw out the crazy.
The marriage that happens and lasts is the one that started with a small wedding that was celebrated with close friends at a diner.
- I need to see this and at the moment I get comments and emails filled with conformation that little weddings can be just as awesome and love filled. I'm also trying to find a stock of blog posts from around wedding blog land to keep and look back on, for the days when I think we are missing out, that we should wait till we can spend £1000's. But we're not that couple we could never justify it we would hate to spend so much money on one day. But when its what everyone else seems to be doing and you see all the sparkly and pretty it hard not to want it.

So you will get many post like this from me showing you where my inspiration comes from and please if you see and blog or and image or you have been to a wedding that was full of love and awesome please let me know!

Love
Simone
xxxx

Question for you...

2011-01-29T14:58:00.002Z

If your were asked to attend a early wedding would you rather it be on a Saturday or Sunday?

because some relatives are going to have to travel? So would it be easier to travel Saturday night and go home in the afternoon after the wedding? I don't drive or have a huge family to travel so which would be easier?

Thanks
Simone
xxxx

It's on people...

2011-01-28T08:20:00.004Z

this wedding will happen October 2012...

Will will defiantly be able to afford the actual wedding, (dress, suit, photographer [yes really] rings) and if we have that with nearest and dearest then that is good enough for the boyfriend and me. We're all about the marriage not a huge wedding, I know enough and have been through enough to know that life is short and fickle grab what you love while you can.

If in two years we manage to put a reception together that is great, the dream would be an early wedding with a brunch, but if it ends up an early wedding and all going to the green near the Cathedral for a toast then I'm good with that too.

I spoke to my Sister last night (recently married eldest Sister) and she said if I need any help just to ask which after yesterdays post was just what I needed. We agreed once again that our family is useless. I shall be calling on her wisdom soon.

I have decided on a few projects already, to grow my own wedding flowers, yeah I know crazy but we have almost two years, so I'll try this year first and learn, then by next year we will know how to do it. (more on flowers later) I am also planning on DIY-ing our stationary, I'm quite an arty person and have such a clear idea of what would work for us that it seemed natural it turns out that all our stationary is going to cost about £80 with postage included for 50 people.

eeek! I look forward to sharing all the up's and downs of wedding planning with you.

Love
Simone
xxxx

The heart wants...

2011-01-26T16:03:00.008Z

...what it wants... and mine wants to be married.

but were broke, I don't currently have a job, and the boyfriend is earning basic money. I hate that money even has to factor into this. We're reading the books and planning a marriage but we have no idea when that marriage might start. I started off wanting a huge wedding that would have been a day to show off to everyone because that is what your told you should do. Now I'm dreaming about a simple wedding where everyone is looked after and happy and we can't even afford this. I want to start planning to get married in 2012.

It sucks...

We don't drink, so there would be no party, the other day we decided we would have brunch! Who doesn't love brunch, and then my Mum and his Mum won't get drunk and be mean to one another. The Cathedral is free and the Priest is a friend. We want the Cathedral Hall for the reception that wouldn't be hardly any money to hire for half a day.

But I'm bummed by how much it is going to cost to hire someone to do a brunch for less than 50 people. So our families don't have to help or worry. Photography is so important to me and I'm looking for someone that creates light emotion filled images that are not over processed, that we could have a disc of all our images without paying more than £2000 ideally not over £1500. But it's like trying to catch a fairy. I already know an amazing hairdresser but want to have my make-up done to because I'm rubbish for me and my bridesmaid with trials that isn't going to cost more the £100.

Photo's from we heart it.

My family are totally unhelpful I don't want money that's not what its about but they don't want to help and they aren't even interested. The boyfriends family are just the same. The boyfriend has only been to one wedding so running ideas past him is a nightmare. How can we want this so much (it is both of us too, were just stuck) and never be getting any closer.

I don't have many friends to make up for a useless family and I feel like is too big for me to do on my own. I wish we could get married just the two of us, but then the unhelpful people would be mad they weren't included... grrr why is there no simple answer!

Please if you have managed to plan a wedding, please lay your advise on me I really need it.

That's all sorry for the moan,
love
Simone
xxxx

Why the fights can be worth it...

2011-01-26T13:54:00.005Z

So recently life has handed me rubbish and for a while I was down about it, but it takes so much damn energy, so I let it go.

And the boyfriend and I weren't doing so great and led me to rants like this, but that takes a lot of energy too so I came out and I told him... everything. Even that although I love him if I'm not happy then I'm not going to try so hard and stay when he isn't. We talked, he explained I never let on that things are wrong. I told him that he needs to work harder and grow up and we're talking it a step at a time. But he didn't run he cared enough to talk, to try, to not just walk away. This is huge in my life I've experienced a lot of walking away of people realising that they can't be bothered.

Through all the rubbish and the crap and the fights, even when we shout at each other that we're leaving (I don't do this any more and the boyfriend is going to stop, it's a dangerous game) that for a year now neither of us has moved away or walked off, it was never meant to spell the end. I've never had that before. I trust him to tell me the truth and I know in my heart and head that we'll still be needing and loving each other years from now. We're young this is all new and it's much tougher than I thought.

But I still find him amazing, he's smart, kind and so funny and sometimes I don't see these things because I'm too busy being mad at everyone and everything. Sometimes I think what does he see in me why is he still in this. We are not a very touchy feeling in front of people couple. We don't do loads of making out, we cuddle and share interests and discuss things we feel strongly about. So some times it can feel, is this just a really great friendship and we're kidding ourselves. Then last night as he played on the laptop he looked up to see me crossed legged in the middle of the bed eating a whole tub of lemon sorbet and reading Miss Manners on my kindle and I saw him smile, like he did when were first together. That was bliss.

When you have someone who tells you everything you need with a look. That feels like home. That you trust. Well that's worth the odd childish fight because for everything I say here about him I'm sure he'd love to tell you all his side once in a while. (thank God he doesn't read my blog or he might offer lol) Because the great moments would never be as good if you didn't have to fight for them.

Love
Simone
xxxx

catch up...

2011-01-24T11:00:00.002Z

Hi I just thought we'd have a little catch up...

Well last week was a good week, the gig was amazing but what was even more amazing was the response my little blog got. In three days my blog got 100 views, mind blowing to be honest my average daily views totals at about 15 on a good day. The best thing was that people didn't just like it for the fact I was writing about bands they had seen or like, people were saying they like my writing. I know that you regular readers have commented on liking my writing before, but it's sort of like when your Mum tells you your beautiful and you don't believe her because she's has to say it she's your Mum. Then a stranger comes along and gives you a compliment and your all like wow thanks. I know shameful. So with the new found confidence and the advice you sweet readers gave me before about sit down to write and the thoughts will come, My aim is to post regularly 3 times a week at least not the same days every week and some times it may be more but I trying to make writing my output.

Secondly this blog is me just as I am, no agenda or falseness, so the other night at the gig and from my post I realised that music always has and always will be a huge part of my life. It's like a friend just because I'm having a rough time and it's not doing what I want it to doesn't mean I can give up on it. So there will be more music on the blog. No actual music I promise. (I hate those websites that have music and you can't figure out how to turn it off grrr!) It won't be over the top oooo I wrote one music posts and it really grabbed an audience lets become a music blog, it will be just a, this week I'm spending every hour listening to... Or the occasional this album is amazing and I think you'd like it too.

Lastly I'm sure if you are a bride to be that you have already got A Practical Wedding in your google reader or RSS feed. If you haven't you should so stop planning take a pause from the stress and for God's sake start at the beginning. It will save your soul!! A while back I thought that the boyfriend and I really need to plan not the wedding but the type of marriage we wish to have. It's a whole life time living as individuals in a couple and I want to be sure there is not something serious that we have forgotten to discuss. We will be taking wedding counselling with our Priest but I'd like to know where we stand before we get to that point. As always a few days ago A Practical Wedding jumped to advise with this post Ask Team Practical: Books for Brides & Wives.

Two that came highly recommended were Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding and The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do. I am currently looking into getting the second book. I did buy Miss Manners' Guide last night on my kindle. It is amazing I can't put it down it should be a wedding gift for all brides to be. It's like all the sense and reason your mother should be telling you but she's too busy measuring her hat! I'm only a couple of chapters in and already changing my views about the wedding. To be honest we all already know that what Miss Manners says is completely correct but we read wedding magazines and get caught up in the competition of it all. Once I have read it all I will report back and start to plan out wedding.

I hope you are all well and happy
Love
Simone
xxxx

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything." - Plato

2011-01-21T08:03:00.009Z

Recently there has been a lot of darkness and sadness on this blog and in my life, To be honest it's been a tough two years! Those two years have consisted of, death, unemployment, the break-up of friendships, being kicked out of my family home and depression, Every single obstacle that hit me over those two years took a little bit of who I was away from me. My art was a daily necessity to me before, now I'm uninspired and it's nonexistent. My need for new music used to feed my soul, give me strength, be my whole life, this became unimportant, what could music really do? What could the perfect poetic lyrics do? They didn't find me work or bring in money what good was it really?

I tell you this because last night I went to see WakeyWakey, a Christmas present from the boyfriend. I haven't been to a gig in God knows how long. Last night I could feel the old me starting to come back just getting ready. Choosing a new outfit that I love and made me confident. Getting excited about something! Actually excited could shut up up about it, I don't want to miss this excited.

Once the boyfriend was home we set off. I love traveling by train and I love London even more. We live close enough that we can see the skyline near our house but that feeling as the skyline draws nearer is of awe of this place so filled with everything you think it should burst. So much diversity in everything makes you feel like the world is really out there. It's easy to forget when you spend all day in one place, with nothing to do.

Sorry about the poor quality of all the photo's

When we arrived at Relentless Garage, I couldn't believe how little it was. I've never seen a gig in a space so small but it was so good. We had missed the first warm up Tom Lyons but he got a good response when he came back on later in the night. I had seen on twitter that Casey Shea was going to be warm up. I love love him I have done for over a year now, his song 'Roll your windows down' is easily one of my favorite ever songs. It is the song that I listen to when I am defeated and all hope is gone. It calms me makes me breath and I am able to face another day.

Unfortunately he didn't play it but my word he and his band were incredible such fun and full of energy. They love what they do you could see it and his voice was crazy good. The crowd were still not into the night yet at this point no matter how much the band tried to get them going. It was just a great bonus to see him and although my boyfriend only came for me he ended up really loving Casey! which is always good.

Then after a short break WakeyWakey came on and the whole club went crazy, WakeyWakey is mainly Michael Grubbs but he was joined by a band of backing singer Bailey Tzuke who had a lovely voice, bass player Jimmy Sims who played music that goes straight into your body so you can actually feel it he also had amazing hair lol, drummer Matthew Racher who was so cool to watch play and violinist Oli Langford I can honestly say I've never see someone rock out on a violin before he was the best!

You would not have thought that this band didn't play together every day. They were flawless. Grubbs however was a total winner, natural and funny interacting with the crowd every chance he got. The best parts of the night were the times when he honestly said how much this meant to him how he would remember this night forever. You felt you were really helping, you were at the start of something great or at least just there to witness someones dream come true.

He played all my favorite songs every single one I love and as I stood in front of my boyfriend some times I felt that even though I was totally surrounded by people I was alone that they were playing just for me sensing all my pain and healing me. With lyrics like:
"see it feels bad now but its gonna get better"
"I know you want to stay in bed But it's light outside It's light outside"
"I know you want to rest your head and just forget the night forget the night So you know I am going to stay right here And sit by your side"

These are all the songs and words that get me through those mornings when I can't get up and can't see past today. The crowd were loving every single second there were people from all over Europe, all different ages, all singing and having a great time together. I love the way music can take complete strangers and give them a common interest. There was a man standing next to me that sung so loudly, with such conviction like he had to sing or he would burst it was the greatest thing to see. As the night drew to a close Grubbs announced he would be at the bar to meet every single person that wanted to meet him. he ended the night with "We've come to the end of the night but God hasn't it been a fucking good one". It truly was a great night.

He did go to the bar the greet every person signing things for them and having pictures taken the wait was long but we waited it out. In the meantime Casey Shea was walking around just saying high to everyone and i was so excited because I love him, and now my boyfriend thought he was great to. I said hello and how I love his music and was so excited when I found out he would be warm up. He was gracious and friendly. I told him my boyfriend was now a fan and Casey thanked him, he hugged me and we had a photo together and then he moved on to the next person. It was amazing I was shaking this man his music his words had helped to wake my soul, to help me feel alive.

I was waiting in line to see Michael Grubbs, I was a bit disappointed because we had to sell stuff in order to go there that night (yes we're at that stage) and it's become a tradition that I get a shirt from every gig I go to but we just didn't have the money, also Casey and WakeyWakey had CD's that are so hard to get hold of over here that it killed me not to be able to get them and have them signed it would have been amazing. There was however a poster on the wall next to the merch stand with the bands times on and I asked the merch guys if I could have it they were fine about it. So I went back to Casey and asked him to sign it, I apologised that it wasn't his merch and explained about selling stuff and that I would buy it online when I could. He was so amazing not only didn't he sign the poster "Your the Best, CS" he also gave me one of his t-shirts in fact the last one! That was it this man now forever great in my eyes, biggest smile on my face, this would never happen with a bigger band in a bigger venue.

Then we waited another 35 minuets to see Michael Grubbs, we were one of the last 10 people waiting to see him. He was such a great guy the type of person you could imagine just hanging out with. (oh I so wish I could hang out with him and Casey!) I told him that he was better live than on CD (so true it was mind blowing) and what had happened with Casey and The T-shirt that it had made my day, and that selling stuff to see him had been totally worth it. He said he had no t-shirts left or he would have done the same signed my poster, had a photo with me, said hi to my boyfriend and told us to get home safe. As we left I was walking on air it had been the best night I had, had in years! So many over gig will be seen now.

I had such an amazing time
Love
Simone
xxxx

When it all boils over...

2011-01-19T16:57:00.003Z

This is will be honest and raw. This will probably end up sounding like a rant or like I'm a crazy person. But I don't have any friends, that is not me feeling sorry for myself it's a fact. We all moved away from each other and my bestfriend in the whole world is no longer with us. So in times when the anger and pain get to that point where you feel you could scream, like you could pull your own hair out, I don't have anyone to vent to. So I'm using this space my only space in which to do this.

My boyfriend sucks. Not all the time but recently he does often. When planning Christmas this year I told my family that I would not be getting them anything big they would receive a tin of chocolates and a bottle of wine per couple. My reason for this was that in the 3 & a half years that I have been with my boyfriend we never really did Christmas one of us was always unemployed. My family decided they would all give this as gifts for different reasons. I had also discussed this with the boyfriend and he said, yeah sounds good. So when I got paid in November the first thing I did at midnight as soon as I got paid, was order the boyfriend a brand new xbox along with this I got him other gifts but it was all ordered then and there, he was most important everyone else could go jump. Then he got paid and well he had said he was going to do the same for me, but the first thing he did when he got paid was sort out his presents for his Mum, Brother and Sister-in-Law. This hurt but I get on with it, didn't mention it. He did get gig tickets for us to see a band I really like but he had to be pushed into ordering them. (I didn't want them to sell out)

Then as we got closer to Christmas he got me some DVDs and he kept saying I still had £100 to spend I just had to figure out what I wanted. I told him in the end and as we got even closer to Christmas £100 went to £60 that's fine the money isn't what matters it's the thought. Then as we got really close to Christmas he had no money... none. He said he'd get me something really great after Christmas, but to be honest I didn't want anything, I wanted to be put first, for him to have made sure he got me sorted first like I did for him. It was Christmas I let it go didn't bring it up.

Then after Christmas he owed me money, we got a laptop, I got a kindle and he said he would pay for that to make up as a Christmas present, with the new laptop he downloaded games to play I lent him the money and he was going to pay me back. I also got my new engagement ring as I was getting fed up of waiting for him to get it and I had the money, also it was in the sale 25% off. He said he would give me the money. Then when he gets paid he can't afford to pay me all the money back, he owes his Mum and Brother money. So I say fine I could do with being paid back a bit at a time having lost my job I would probably spend it all. But I'm a bit mad. So he paid me for the laptop, he used the money from selling his old xbox to pay for the kindle, he was going to pay me for the PC games and he would have to owe me for the ring. But then he realised with the money he owed everyone else I wouldn't be able to pay for us to get to the gig he had got me tickets for... so I said why don't you pay for the night out for the gig and owe me the money for the games. (we never go out never!) But he still owed his Brother money and when did he chose to bring this up, the night before I went to my friends 21st, he let me know by saying,
BF: "How much do you think you'll spend tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know why?"
BF: "Oh, no reason"
(nothing said for a bit)
BF: "It's just I still owe my brother some money and I don't have enough"
Me: "Oh right well I don't know how much it will cost but I never go out I just thought I'd enjoy myself."
BF: "oh yeah, I mean have a good time, don't worry about I wasn't asking for the money..."

So I did go out but had money left over so lent it to him. He paid his brother. Then about a week ago he said can you remind me to stop LoveFilm, (he got a free months worth which i told him not to do, because he did it before and ended up owing £100) So last night I said to him are we eating out on Thursday, (Christmas present gig night) He said we'll eat before we go and if I could fill up a bottle of water to bring with me...

I could have cried I said how we never go out together, and how I go out about once a year in general (the whole having no friends thing) how I'm pissed that we can't even eat out and I have to take my own water is not on and that I'm fed up of being over looked by him. He said sorry (not really much will change this now) I left it he did something else and then later I asked him if he stopped LoveFilm he said he had left it too late, it would have to be next month now. I tried to make his see how stupid this is that he always owes someone money, how rubbish it is that I always have to bail him out and got nothing as a reply. Not even a sorry. I got such a headache I got in bed so did he and he didn't say anything. Then this morning he woke me to make his lunch like every morning still not a sorry and I have been stewing all day and I think I'm at my breaking point.

It's not feeling very much like 50/50, It feels a lot like I'm caring and thinking and putting him and us first and he is putting the rest of his world and himself first. Also to top it all off we have been engaged for 2 years and last night watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, I thought why are we no where towards getting married. Money is a factor sure but I'd be happy to get married just me and him and a Priest so why are we not even talking anything wedding. How is our love and want for a marriage (not a wedding, marriage) not making this a priority?

And that's when it all gets scary... Am I in this more than him?

Love
Simone
xxxx

Starting to feel as though someone's out to get me...

2011-01-11T09:12:00.001Z

On Sunday night at midnight I was completely fine cuddled up to the boyfriend watching 'How I Met Your Mother' an hour later my left shoulder starts to ache and the ache becomes serious pain not because I'm moving it, its just increasing. This pain starts to move down to my elbow and my hand starts going numb with pins and needles. The boyfriend looks up my symptoms and tells me he can't find anything thing. He is Lying to me. He makes me call NHS Direct.

I fight him on this matter telling him it's probably nothing. (I always under play sickness something drilled into me by my Mum) He starts to look very nervous when I do this, I know he has found something he's not telling me so I panic.
Me: "What did you find just tell me!"
Him: "Please don't panic but this can be the symptoms of a heart attack..."

I'm on the phone to NHS Direct tell them my symptoms the woman sounds worried, but they have no free nurses to talk to me and they say they will call me back. I'm feeling so much worse I'm starting to shake, I'm crying because the pain and I'm scared. They call me back the nurse asks me if I've ever had a heart attack before...! I haven't I'm so scared so is the boyfriend.

They send a paramedic and he does some test, he's not really saying anything apart from wait for the ambulance to get here. It is here soon after and the do an ECG and check my blood pressure and confirm I'm not having a heart attack... thank God! As the fear is going away I realise we have no money to get home Kyle runs in to get some. But neither of us have coats on I'm wearing bed shocks and pumps I'm going to regret this later. I feel silly now they made me think it was a heart attack and now I'm going to hospital it could be nothing.

We get to hospital and the pain is moving its all in my mouth, neck and back. I have a terrible headache. We have to wait for 4 hours to see someone despite being the only people in A&E. The waiting is fine to start with we were just grateful it wasn't a heart attack but the longer we're there tiredness sets in and my pain gets worse. Finally I do get to see a doctor and he makes me feel a bit stupid he tells me I've got acid reflux which means my stomach acid come up out of stomach and burns my insides. He sends me home without giving me any thing.

We get outside I cry I feel so stupid. The boyfriend will now miss work, we have to get the bus home its freezing and we have no coats. I'm so embarrassed I don't say a word all the way home. All I'm thinking is so far in the last month I've lost my job, I've realised I'm not really in touch with any of my friends and I've been taken to hospital and feels so stupid. We have to walk quiet away from away from the bus stop to home. I'm in pain, freezing cold and can't really breath.

We get in we've both had enough it's been a rubbish night the boyfriend makes me tea which in my tired state I spill on myself and burn my hand. This is the final straw I burst into tears and run off to bed but there is no comfortable way to sleep.

The whole night the boyfriend was amazing I really don't know what I would have done without him. This acid reflux means I will have to completely change my diet. Its a day later and I'm still sore.

So that was my rubbish Sunday night.
Love
Simone
xxxx

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Help dress dilemma...

2011-01-06T16:06:00.009Z

What a day I had yesterday I started writing the Christmas post and this post and my computer started beeping violently at me, and then it wouldn't turn on, then it sorted its self out. (the same thing happened later on with mother-in-law to be's laptop how strange!) Then The two Dresses and pair of shoes in this post that I ordered on Wednesday for next day delivery and paid extra postage for never turned up! The party is tonight! and at this rate I'm gonna have to throw something together. I emailed ASOS at 10pm last night (they delivery until 9pm) saying my stuff was missing they sent an auto-message saying they would reply in 24 hours, yeah thanks will be too late by then. So fingers crossed by some miracle stuff arrives!!! I've never had a problem before and I love there stuff so much. now on the the post....

So I told you Friday would be a little fashion show well because it's my best friends 21st. Well I ordered two dresses, I like both but didn't know how dressy the party would be but now much friend has mentioned she shall be purchasing a killer dress and I can't decide which one to wear.

The first I got mainly because it was £9, yes I know you should never buy something just because it was cheap but it met all the requirements, had sleeves, wasn't black, was a dress. Also it meant I could purchase dream shoes (I'll come back to this)

Its from ASOS yes it is my favourite shop, but I'm only just realising how much it's like the dress I wore to my sisters Wedding...

The second dress I have wanted it since August, for my sisters Hen Party but I couldn't justify the price then but it's in the sale, I have also seen it on someone else my size and it looked stunning! However it is black and it doesn't have sleeves but it is a dress.
Again From ASOS really I'm turning into a walking advert for them. The only thing I don't love about ASOS is the very grumpy model.

So my question ladies is which one? Neither dress is actually here yet but if by some miracle they both appear which one would you pick I'm taking both dresses with me and will have my phone so any time today your opinion would help.

So will be wearing one of those dresses and as you might remember from the discussion of the outfit for Big Sisters Wedding that I wore flat shoes the reason for this when I wear heels it resembles an elephant in stilettos A) because I am stupidly clumsy B) because I never wear them. Nothing to do with size I've seen girls my size rock a pair of heels. I have only once worn a pair of heels that could be kept on comfortably all night and they were shocking pink wedge shoes from Evans, they looked like Spice Girls/hooker shoes... not your regular wear type of heel but when looking for a dress I found these...
I Love them! I find it so0 hard to find shoes so I got them and they are the same style as the the dream shoes but in black so fingers crossed I can rock them.

Makeup
Well thanks to Jenny I am now a complete convert to false eyelashes loved them as my sisters party and the fact it looks like eyeliner to amazing! So night will be all about the eyes smokey loveliness, I like my eyes about me most so am quite good at doing my own eye makeup. If wearing the Purple dress I shall be wearing Purple smokey eyes which is a good look on me with my green eyes and dark hair and if wearing the black dress I will be going silver and grey smokey.

With simple lips a natural colours light plum/pink. Nails I'm thinking Black with the purple dress or a colour maybe with the back dress maybe even grey/silver. I have no idea what accessories i will be wearing yet.

Hair I'm going to wear my hair down, but I am undecided if it will be straight or wavy yet...

So ladies your thoughts are welcome and encouraged what do you think?

love
Simone
xxxx

Did I ever mention I used to be kick ass...

2011-01-05T16:00:00.004Z

Seriously not to blow my own trumpet but I was. Not that I had a clue...

Look at that girl above with her hair she cut herself but still rocked it like some professional cut it, the leopard print scarf stolen from my Mum. I was 17 it was in my first year of college, I was the kid that knew all these new bands that no one else had ever heard of, and they would always ask me what they should be listening to or I'd be in the corner listening to my iPod drawing. Yeah I was That kid.

The girl next to me is my best friend in the whole world we met first day of high school we've been friends ever since. She'll be my maid of honour.

We we're different but we totally got each other, I was loud and by this point being raised as an only child (Sisters were grown up and moved out) and my parents we're really interested, I had left school to go to college, I had loads of friends that were loud and crazy that I had to look after.

She was shy, came from a family where her siblings were close to her age and her parents cared, they had an amazing non council house. She stayed on at sixth form. She was the only friend I had were I could be me, be loud because she always had my back she did all the thinking for me.

We got her into clubs blagging using her bank card as her I.D., we went shopping in Camden at the weekend. We saw live bands. We were awesome and some of the the best times I've ever had are with this amazing girl!

At the weekend she turns 21! I have no idea how we got to this point but for the first time in years we're meeting up and going out for the night. I'm so excited!!!!

So Tomorrow will be Christmas catch up then Friday will be what I'm wearing to the party day!!!

Love
Simone
xxxx

It really does,,,

2011-01-03T04:54:00.008Z

Image from here

Hello most loved readers, yes I'm back I know my last post would have given the feeling that I had found myself a hole and I had laid down and died in it... Well it was close but here I am standing, breathing and optimistic. That's right no depression sneaking back in over here, I talked it all through with the boyfriend every single feeling, (bottling it up is not the answer... ever!) I had 5 or 6 very long baths with candles and music and had a good old talking to myself. I came to the conclusion we're still doing twice as well as we were last year, the boyfriend still has his job and the mother-in-law to be is lovely and fine about the whole situation. We don't own a place the only commitments we have are our phone bills and they are in the boyfriends name. We got the things we desperately needed when we had no money, with the job just gone.

But the picture pretty much sums up how I have been feeling, as a kid I never fitted in a longed to be older, to have a say, to be in charge because I had dreams and knew what I wanted, now I'm here and it does truly suck some times and I think what did I think would be so magical about having to be the one handling everything? I was crazy, any chance I could go back? yeah thought not.

So with that in mind I figured I'm 20 I'm not meant to have it all figured out right? I know people twice as old as me that never found a 'path'. So I the plan for now is get a job, yes any job, even retail (shudder!) and while there look for a better job it is always easier to find a job when you have one. Also look into courses to get me where I want to be, I 'd love to work with children, day care or nursery but the real goal in the end is primary school teacher I'm not sure how you get there without doing uni full time but I will find out. Also working in retail in the mean time means I get to wear lovely clothes as uniform and have my hair any way I like so I'm looking for a bright side.

I will make this year awesome even if it kills me. It's sort of freeing in away to look at your life and just think, yeah I have no idea what comes next, but what if its great... The boyfriend goes back to work on Tuesday so will do Christmas catch-up then. But enough about me how are all of you?

Love
Simone
xxxx

Some bad news...

2010-12-24T02:24:00.001Z

Yeah I know its Christmas Eve and I don't mean to be a scrooge, but you know the job that sounded too good to be true, my dream job... well it was too good they emailed me today saying as my CRB check was taking too long to come back they won't be employing me any more after the 31th of December!

I received this email just as I got off the train to go stay with my Mum and Dad till Christmas Eve evening, just as my Mum was driving round to pick me up. I had seconds to get this news register it and then put it aside until after Christmas.

I'm heart broken I so wanted this job I would have worked my bum off for this job now I'm going to have to go back to retail which destroys my soul. I'll do anything (well almost anything) but I cannot be broke again, not for another year.

The boyfriend knows and although we haven't really been able to talk much because I don't want my family to worry yet. (I've some how got to tell them between Christmas, Mums birthday 30th Dec & new year) He has send me loads of texts telling me how its going to be ok. I don't feel very merry now... I just want to cry a lot we went through so much last year I really thought 2011 was going to be a good year.

They have said they will keep me in mind if there is a vacancy when my CRB check comes back.

I want to fall into a very dark hole...

Love
Simone
xxxx

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A wish list...

2010-12-22T16:27:00.011Z

OK so I've seen a few different blogs do gift guides, I'm not going to do that I have loved these gift guides because I rubbish at think of what to get people I don't really know. If I know you well you will get an awesome gift if I don't well then I'm afraid it can be dire...

So when I was little my Mum used to give me the Argos book and tell me to cut out everything I wanted and we would send it to Father Christmas. Just for fun and because no asks me to do it any more I thought I might do it on here it might inspire you, it might not. But You guys advised if I sat down and wrote the ideas would and its almost Christmas so my thoughts are all about the pressies!

1. Kindle 3 - £109, 2. Leather Kindle Case With Light - £49.99, 3. Books From The Kindle Store

So first up the boyfriend and I are big on reading. My Mum used to come in at 3am to find me with a torch under the covers unable to put a book down. I love the fact that my imagination works in over drive when I read I see everything so clearly it's like watching a film. We have limited space in our room as it is, so being able to have all these book in something that's smaller than one book I love! Also it has a special screen that won't hurt your eyes, so that's why I want it instead of just using a Kindle app. The Case is Great because the boyfriend and read in bed and if one wants to read after the other it wouldn't be a problem, also I'm stupidly clumsy and drop everything so I need something to protect it.

4. LG LCD HD TV - £252, 5. Grey's Anatomy All Seasons - £111, 6. Private Practice Seasons 1-3 - £52, 7. Brothers & Sisters All - £50, 8. Son's of Anarchy Seasons 1-3 - £44
At the moment our TV is so old and huge and like I said above space is an issue, when you have a bedroom, living, study and storage space all in one ordinary sized room. This TV is 26" and is the best one I found for the price it has really good reviews. The boyfriend wants it for the gaming like xbox 360 he got for Christmas and I want it for TV shows and films. I am addicted to TV Boxsets and My most wanted ones at the moment would be Grey's Anatomy because it is my favourite every show, Private Practice it didn't really impress me all that much in the beginning but is really starting to pick up now, Brothers & Sisters I used to really love this but I feel it is slipping slightly I really hope it picks up again and Sons of Anarchy which the boyfriend suggested at first and I didn't really think it would be my thing, now I'm hooked and he doesn't watch it any more I love it.

9. Acer Aspire 5742z - £400, 10. The Sims 2 With All Expansion Packs, 11. The Sims 3
I got a laptop for my 16th birthday and I loved it but this year it died just gave up and could not be fixed, Then someone gave us a desktop but that died to so we have been without our own computer and it kills me. It mainly kills me because my Itunes and Ipod cannot be updated which I normally do everyday. Also it means that I can't just write posts and ideas leave them and come back, because we use someone else's computer and some of my post are so personal. I hate to be so dependant on technology but I can't live without it now. I love the Sims series of games its the only games I really play, a whole evening can fly past while I play this I don't understand why I'm so hooked but I am and I haven't played Sims 3 yet but I really want to.

12. Emerald Cut Antique Ring 2.4ct - Tru Diamonds - £100, 13. Emerald Cut Earrings 1ct - Tru Diamonds - £60, 14. Leather Jewelry Box - £50
I have been unable to wear my engagement ring because my fingers have swollen so badly because of medication and it really upsets me. I wanted to find a ring I loved, but all the styles I loved were costly and the only good fake websites I could find were in the US but one day I was looking through a magazine from the paper that was is the kitchen and it was advertising this UK website found this ring and I love it. Then I had a look around the website and found these earrings that match the centre stone, I have a lot of 'Junk Jewelry' but I'm starting to feel a little old for it so am looking it to jewelry I could keep for a long time. If I'm going to be getting all this lovely new bling I should really have something lovely to keep it in and this monster of a box would easily fit in all the jewelry I could ever own.

15. Red Leather Laptop Shoulder Bag - Ebay - £50, 16. Small Gold Plated Pewter Phonograph Music Box Necklace - Etsy - £14, 17. Vivienne Westwood & Melissa Lady Dragon Shoe - £120, 18. Asos Curve Belted Popper Coat - £47.50
I love this bad it would look amazing with the fur coat I got this year and the Asos Coat also it holds a laptop and has extra pockets for my kindle and all the other junk I carry around. I know I said no junk jewelry but I love this necklace and it would be perfect for the wedding and I do love a gramophone. Ahhh the lady dragons that are totally sold out unless you want to pay £400 for the only pair in this colour I could find *sob* no lovely wedding shoes for me I can't find the red heart one either so I shall have to go bare foot. I love this coat I have a fur coat for dressy occasions or just when I'm rocking out, I have a parka that was the best thing I have ever got since we have had so much snow, but spring will soon be here and I need a 'I'm totally grown up enough for this new job I have' coat and I think this might be it and they put it in the sale today!

19. The Sakura Bath Ballistic - Lush - £3.20 each, 20. Honey I Washed The Kids Soap - Lush - £2.95 per 100g
I had to finish with bath products everyone always gets you smellies for Christmas my if I have get them then I'd love them from Lush. I have very sensitive skin and their product smell amazing and I've never had a reaction to any of there products. These are just my two all time favourites that I go back to time and time again. The Sakura Bath Ballistic smells amazing I put it in the bath and then wash my hair in the bath too and I smell like it until I wash again and it makes my hair and skin so soft! Honey I Washed The Kid Soap I my favourite smell ever! The first product I ever got from Lush and years on you still can't beat it.

I think it probably more likely that I'll end up buying myself this stuff through out the year. I hope you get everything you wish for. Please comment and let me know all the things you want.

Love Simone

Merry Christmas...

2010-12-21T12:55:00.004Z

I come from a big family:

Mum & Dad
Brother
Sister 1, her new Husband & my 19 year old Nephew
Sister 2, her Boyfriend, my Niece and Step Nephew
Two sets of living Grandparents, all on my dads side a very long story.
Then there is all the other family that comes further out after these.

When I was little things were not all ways perfect in fact when I got older some times it was pretty damn hard, But when I was tiny my Mum and Dad went all out over Christmas, it was a big deal.

I was ill a lot as a child, I mean deaf in one ear, had a illness only 1 in 30,000 people get, life support machines and always needing operations, illness. So I think this is one of the reasons my family went all out some times I would be let out only for Christmas Eve and Christmas day then I would Have to go back. Also I'm my Dads only child, my Mum was 38 when she had me and her pregnancy with me almost made it so she couldn't walk again so they knew that I would be the last child. Let me tell you how some of the really special Christmases went.

One year my Dad asked his friend to come over on Christmas Eve after I had gone to bed, he asked his friend to help him blow up 100's of balloons. (I was crazy about balloons I still love them but as a kid, balloons were only for very special occasions) The reason for blowing up all these balloons was that my Christmas present was a huge toy train that I think you could sit in or at least put your toys in and it lit up and blew air out the top like a steam train. When we went down stairs I had to wait in the hall while my Dad went in, he shouted out that I could come in, as I came in he turned the train on. I stood mouth open in awe, as the brightly lit train went round and it puffed as all these balloons went up in the air. Yeah I know right straight out of a film.

Then there was the year I was really sick I was let out of hospital just for Christmas and when I woke up there was glitter on my nose this was exciting enough but went I looked on the floor there were giant glitter footprints, I followed them until I got to my Mum and Dad's room. (Now in context we didn't have a fireplace and I was scared this would mean that Father Christmas wouldn't come to our house, so every Christmas Eve my Dad would open our back door to let Father Christmas in and leave it a little while and then let him out again. My Dad actually opened the door and waited and let him out again every year in case I was up and didn't hear the door.) So when I told my Mum and Dad about all the glitter, my Dad reminded me that one of the things I'd asked Father Christmas for in my phone call to him that year (I will explain) was that I could be well enough to spend Christmas at home. My Dad explained that Father Christmas wanted to make sure himself that I was well so came up to see me, and had kissed me on the nose. The glitter footprints went all the way from the back door up the stairs to my room. I know your thinking glitter? Father Christmas is magical, he flies through the sky, knows everyone, fits down chimneys when he walks he leaves glitter behind its the magic.

Now the phone call to Father Christmas, every year I would get a phone call from Father Christmas asking what I want for Christmas and asking me if I had been good. This was actually my Grandad not that I knew, as I got older and my Grandad passes away my other Grandad would write me letters covered with Christmas stickers and glitter from Father Christmas.

We always went to Church on Christmas Eve . It was the one time a year that we went food shopping as a family (my Dad never came shopping he used to spend to much lol) and it was the only time you didn't have to ask if you could have something you just put it in the trolley. Now I know your now thinking whoa what did your parents do as jobs well my Mum worked at Fords in catering and my Dad worked for BT. I never got just because treats, I would ask for balloons and treats through out the year and my Mum would say if I had it then I wouldn't get so much on our family Holiday or a Christmas I always choose the twice a year option which I'm glad I did.

Christmas was all about love, family, faith, colour, noise, happiness and presents even up till I was 16 loads of presents. We never traveled people always came to us, dinner was huge, the whole house was decorated, Everyone one spent the whole day together and that's the Christmas I grew up with. I thought everyone celebrated Christmas like this.

Then life went a bit pear shaped and I got kicked out. I moved in with the boyfriend and his family, he buys presents for (including me) 5 people, that's it. They decorate one room of the house. They have chicken for Christmas dinner, they don't go to church, they don't spend the whole day together just dinner, they don't watch Christmas TV and they don't dress up special for the day. I asked The boyfriend when he last had a Christmas with loads of presents and fuss and he said he was about 8.

The first year I was here was a total shock, I just couldn't get my head round it, the quiet, the ordinariness of it all. To add to the shock my family were still not really talking to me and I had no friends here. I cried on my own in the bathroom lots that year and on the phone to Sister 1. She explained most people don't do Christmas to the extreme that our family do, give it a chance go with it I had a chance to take the best parts of both and make them my own. That year we had no money and didn't get each other gifts, and we didn't decorate our room and I was lonely I didn't really know the boyfriends Mum very well and she didn't really like me. I didn't miss the presents or dinner I wanted the big family atmosphere. I just wanted Christmas to slip by.

This year I started to feel the same, we're not having a Christmas party or family get together because Sister 1 was on honeymoon until mid way through December and Sister 2 lives a while away and it keeps snowing. So I just dropped all presents at Mums for everyone to get at some point. The only friend I had here moved away because she broke up with her boyfriend and my best friend has loads of uni work to do so will be staying at uni. I could see a Christmas of crying in the bathroom all over again.

Then the boyfriend and I were shopping for presents and he got me an advent candle like I used to get when I was little. (we had calendars too) and I've been lighting it. He also suggested decorating in our room, we haven't done this before but we have a little 2 foot tree that is decorated, we hung coloured lights above our bed and hung our cards up. I was surprised but it really makes a difference. He has also tried to be more excited about Christmas in general he isn't religious and his best part is that he gets time off work so he is trying harder to get in the spirit. I'm trying not expect so much and not to compare it to how Christmas used to be. It feels like we're doing our own Christmas It might not be what it used to be, but gives me the same feelings.

So I hope you spend Christmas happy and surrounded by love, because after all the presents and the food it's not what Christmas is about. If you need reminding of what Christmas is about look at this post on The Bloggess, It made me cry that's what Christmas is about, helping each other. I know now if you have Christmas like I had as a child, you we're lucky and blessed because some people don't even get what I have now I would give up Christmas completely for all children to have presents and be loved.

So Merry Christmas, I will be thinking of all the blogging people on Christmas day and your families, A huge amount of love and prayers go to Jennifer, Little Wife To Little Mama, Claire, Spare Thoughts, Lottie, Sarah and everyone else that comments on my posts, you make me feel visible in a world that so easily makes people feel invisible you encourage me to write and be honest and give my voice strength lets hope all of us are still being honest and upfront this time next year. I also love and pray for anyone one that just reads my words and if you come back time and time again thank you, you are loved by me very much.

Love you all where every you are
Simone
xxxx

Upping my game...

2010-12-19T02:21:00.001Z

Soooo what’s the deal Simone? You write a huge post once every couple of weeks and you call this a blog? That’s pretty much what I would be saying if I were a reader of this blog.

The write up of my sisters wedding didn’t really go to plan. I couldn’t really figure out why I was becoming so hard to write about and then I realised it’s not my day to tell. I don’t know the feelings and the secrets and that’s why blogs and magazines use real brides because they remember where as I am forgetting not everything but the details some of the emotions, my story will never be as good as my sister’s because she was the bride end of (also Big Sis totally not interested in writing about the wedding) Sorry folks.

Also, I'm struggling personally to find and hear my own voice. The boyfriend always says don’t write unless you suddenly get that urge to write, that there is something you need to tell everyone. He of course is totally right. (damn him)
What I can tell you about the wedding that I think you need to know is, How crazy jealous I was all day that overwhelming excitement that I felt the day before my sisters wedding and on the day was always slightly shadowed by the green eyed monster. I got engaged first why is this not my wedding, when ever my sister received some thing or someone did something I thought I hope people do this for me on my wedding day. I hate it; I really hate to admit that. But you it's the ugly truth.

On a better note the best things about my Sisters wedding for me were. Being the calm in my Sisters storm Sister 1 (bride) is very much like me but more of a control freak. Sister 2 (middle sister) is like a bull in a china shop 24/7 always loud, everything always has to be done now and never thinks before she speaks we love her for this. However on the wedding day the house was already loud enough, with 4 little bridesmaids, Mum, the hairdresser and two sisters. With food being cooked, hair being done, children’s DVD’s on and everyone having to get ready. I know how to be the stage hand, I knew what had to be done, when it had to be done, I knew how to keep all the girls entertained, I knew when Mum and Sister were being too much for Emma, I knew when she need everyone to back off. I know her better than I know anyone really.
The best part of the whole day was when everyone else was down stairs it was just Emma, Mum and Me in my old room. Mum had just got Emma into her dress and the calm and excitement she had felt all day suddenly turned into silence and nervousness. She got uncontrollable shakes and her eyes started to water. She tried to put her jewellery on but was shaking too much, so without making a huge deal I took over and put it on for her. She looked at me and said
“Simone, you’d tell me if I look stupid wouldn’t you, you wouldn’t let me go out in front of all those people if I looked silly would you.”
I started to tear up my sister who always had my back always looked out for me suddenly everything had been reversed. So I told her the truth
“Of course I wouldn’t tell you, you think I’m crazy we don’t exactly have a back up outfit…”
She laughed, thank the lord she laughed! That really could have backfired, but then seriously I said,
“You look the most beautiful I have ever seen you look, I love you to pieces!”
*Huge hug*
“Plus you look SO slim!”
Then I pinned on her something borrowed that I was lending her a red rose brooch.

My Second best bit of the day was at the end of the night she came to me and said to me I’d like you to have my bouquet, for everything you’ve done I love you so much. I was in tears again.

But something was not so great The boyfriend spent the whole reception looking like he would have loved to have been anywhere else, and using his phone continuously all night, yes really. Which meant that I spend the whole night with people asking if he was ok. Even my Sister, the bride! What do you say when the person you brought to your sisters wedding has a face like thunder and everyone thinks he's rude... there is not really anything you can say or do apart from tell them he he's happy on his phone don't worry about him and try and have a good time yourself. I call him on it a few times and he apologized but said after all I should know he hates parties... a few days before he said he would be fine if I got him really drunk at 10pm he decided he wasn't going to drink anymore (this now makes me furious if you read about the following Friday)

So I am so happy for my Sister her wedding was lovely! but I guess I felt resent towards her and let down by the boyfriend so writing about every detail would have been hard.

love
Simone
xxxx

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Disheartened...

2010-12-08T01:25:00.001Z

Today I brought a wedding magazine I used to do this a few times a month, now I do it maybe once every 4 months.

Today I got one because I'm not really one to follow celebrities, I guess I just don't care enough about who another person is dating, what/who they are wearing or if they are perceived as far or thin this week. I find fashion magazines off putting as a larger person I find these magazine are not made for me. Not only that but they are just not my style. So I got the wedding mag as a fall back, last resort if you will.

I have had it mear hours and I'm irritated firstly at myself for spending £5 on a mag (I could have got a book, always look for a book before even looking at the bridal mags, come now Simone!) that I should have known would have left me irritated and without inspiration.

But mostly I'm irritated at bridal magazines for a whole year they advertise the same dresses, the same themes, the same honeymoons just in different colours and with different models and each time they charge £5! The two things that really opened my eyes on this occasion were,
1. Here get this celebrities wedding look for your self, here is a similar wedding dress/engagement ring for £10,000! I kid you not they haven't even tried to scale this down.

2. After looking through pages of adverts for the must have dresses and looking at the must have dress styles for 2011 they have a piece written by an 'expert' on wedding dresses. It says brides should look for a timeless dress so when you look back on your wedding photos it won't look dated. Seriously you can't see the irony in printing this wedding mag? After all that selling and all the adverts (my god there are so many!) the 'experts' answer is ignore the wedding mag.

I guess my point is I'm glad I found blogs, yes they still have trends, what's in and what isn't but there is far more variety. Blogs are much more accommodating to a couple on a budget, hey even to a couple at all. (four pages that's all that grooms to be got in the mag) There is a much greater range of themes, colours, people on blogs than in the mags and I honestly don't think I'll buy another but I would find it much more difficult to give up blogs.

Also on a personal moan I'm just not getting off the ground with our wedding, my mum is done with weddings now since my sister had hers, my dad is trying to push my other sister's fiance into setting a date, (hello ready and raring to go over here) the boyfriends new motto to everything is can't it wait till the new year and my best friend/maid of honour is living it up at uni.

Also to add to my wedding planning blues the I don't need a real diamond or even a costly fake engagement ring, ring turned my finger green so I am once again without engagement ring. I know that this doesn't make our engagement or intent to marry any less its just, I know the things I want are a way off into the future, laptop, wedding, flat and baby (funny how things the boyfriend wants such as xbox and fast internet are always sorted... just saying) but I am engaged I love being engaged and I would very much like a ring... *grumble grumble stamp foot and pout*

Sorry for all the ranting, feel free to rant right back,
Love
Simone
xxxx

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Oh what a week...

2010-12-06T20:06:00.018Z

So I haven't posted since last Monday, I promised I would fill you all in about my Sisters wedding and then I sort of disappeared sorry about that but what a week it was!

Sunday: I stayed up till midnight because I got paid from my new job that I haven't actually started yet because they are waiting for my CRB check to come back. Yeah I know it sounds to good to be true, (that’s why I waited up) but its actually happening, the month before Christmas and I haven't actually even been trained for the job yet! So being the optimist I am I brought all my Christmas presents online right there and then before some one realised they had made a mistake and would try to take it all back. (They never did try to take it back!) Then it was time for bed as the boyfriend had work the next morning.

Monday: The boyfriend and I got up; He got ready for work I made his lunch and sorted washing a boring stuff like that I posted on the blog. The we met on the bus the boyfriend gets home from work that if you stay on it goes all the way to a Lakeside shopping centre. We tried Gourmet Burger for the first time we loved it!

Also they serve Coca-Cola in the glass bottles boyfriend commented when he saw them about how happy he knew I would be. (First picture with the boyfriend in well sort of) So having just been paid we did the only thing to do spend it! I had after all sorted all my Christmas presents so we treated ourselves :) Also I booked an appointment at the opticians because not having the right glasses was now making me have headaches and feel sick!

Tuesday: The boyfriend felt rubbish the next day sometimes he just gets these hideous stomach ache and is sick for no reason what so ever, in the middle of the night we had decided that he wouldn't be going to work the next day. When we woke and opened the curtains there was snow... everywhere! But I had made my appointment at the opticians and was determined that a bit of snow wouldn't stop me. I got to the bus stop the bus arrived on time (I was shocked) it took slightly longer to get to Lakeside, but as the bus got closer all the outside parking was empty! Not a car in sight I thought it was closed it wasn't but inside it was pretty dead! I had my eye test done I had already picked out my frames they were Huge Boss frames that would cost £140 which almost killed me.

*Sorry for the horrible picture I will explain*

I'm really picky about frames because
1. I have a huge head and wide face, which means normally glasses look tiny on my face.
2. I hate this new trend of skinny glasses because all I do is look over and under them.
3. If they are not wide then I constantly notice the frame and it drives me crazy!
So I thought old school Ray Bans might be a good option I have been looking at them for well over a year and half but when actually tried them on they are tiny, made my head look huge. Also now every other hipster is now wear them! So not cool. (Sound like my mother) So I have the perfect frames then they inform me that lenses will be another £100!!! I don't really have a lot of choice but they say if I do have stuff to do then they can have them ready in 1 hour, £240 for glasses I should hope so lol. So I went and got some pyjamas, (See above picture.) and went and had something to eat. Got my glasses LOVE them and head of to the bus stop...

Well this is where it all goes wrong when I get to the bus stop it is like a blizzard out side the snow is seriously deep and it's freezing! I got to the bus stop at 4.45pm all other buses are coming every 20 minuets, my bus is delayed so I wait... and I wait, someone asks another bus driver if our bus is still running he informs us that it is, so I wait. Then I call the boyfriend to tell him what’s going on and he tells me it took his Mum an hour and a half to drive home from close to Lakeside to our house! Which meant even when the bus did turn up I wouldn't be home for ages. Ok its fine I said I wasn't going to let the snow get in my way. (Although it was sort of kicking my ass)

*This is me time with my new glases on waiting in the cold for the bus, I'm so bored*

I kid you not at 6.30pm our bus is still nowhere in sight, but every other bus is still coming every 20 minuets! So I text the Future Mother-In-Law and explain how long I have been waiting and that I am hearing they have closed the QE2 bridge that you sort of have to go near in order to get home by bus and that it will take me hours even if the bus does turn up. She at that point is cooking, she says if the bus is not there by 7.30pm she will come and get me (this is huge the weather was shocking! I could have kissed her) I am very grateful, happy even and then my phone flashes...

Low battery please connect charger less 10%. OH COME ON, GIVE ME A BREAK! I have to turn my phone off and keep asking the people that are also stuck what the time is, and slowly they are getting picked up or taking other buses. I finally text at 7.20pm I really don't think the bus is going to show. I get a speedy reply of we're on our way! (Love the boyfriend and his Mum) But an hour later I'm still waiting I expected this though but now my phone is totally dead and I'm starting to lose my mind. And then at 8.20pm the bus turns up... :-O seriously! I can't contact anyone have no idea where The boyfriend is so I stay at the bus stop and watch the bus I have been waiting 4 hours for drive off. 10 minuets later the boyfriend and his Mum turn up and ask if that was the bus that just went past it is all I can do not to cry!

The photo of me in my new PJ's is once I finally got home I have been standing for 6 hours solid and was so glad to be in the warm.

Wednesday and Thursday Christmas present slowly arrived despite the snow, the boyfriend is still off work due to still being ill so I have to play in the snow on my own in our garden while he takes pictures of me room the computer room of our house. On Thursday night the boyfriend is feeling better and we go on a midnight walking in the snow to Tesco (24hr one) To get goodies.

*Not the coolest picture ever but I really love snow well at least when I'm not stuck at a bus stop*

Friday: I decide to give the boyfriend one of his Christmas present early, and its his biggest one because he has been ill for a whole week and I know its killing him to know its under the bed. I give him his brand new xbox 360 the new black Thin one and watch him open it is amazing. Recently we haven't stuck to actual date for celebrations, valentines, anniversaries and so on thought why not keep with it. I can't remember the last time I got him a proper present for his birthday, Christmas or other occasion because we have been so broke and its just how I wanted it to be!

I feels like the week has wound down slightly from the beginning of the week and I'm so glad. The boyfriend is going out with his friends for the night I have a bath. When I get out he texts me ‘looks like a lock in not going to be home till late,’ this is totally fine with me I still have Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy to watch. I watch these and Disney's Sword In The Stone because we've only just got it and I so tried I'm falling asleep. I text the boyfriend to let him know I'm going to sleep (no reply) and I turn everything off and go to sleep.

10 minuets later I can hear shouting out side, and I think please God don't let be the boyfriend... Then our front door opens, oh no it is... OK well I know he's drunk from the shouting, but how drunk are we talking. This is easy to figure out with the boyfriend because the drunker he gets the more he bumps into stuff and the more unintentional noise is made... They is a lot of bumping into things and I know this is going to be hilarious because the boyfriend is one funny drunk... expect that as he walks through the door he is drunker than I have ever seen him he is totally white and he doesn't think anything is very funny at all. He fell over and on the ice and snow and has really damaged his hip, which he keeps calling his ankle. He actually can't stand up and he is trying to undress himself so I jump to his rescue.

I don't understand how he is this drunk, he sort of explains that he only got one round and everyone else was buying drinks and he keeps telling me it was worth it to be in with them down the pub (this has never mattered before but now is of top importance like it is the only thing he has ever wanted) I'm totally confused, then he goes on to tell me he has been dancing. I almost fall over at this information; if there are certain things I know about the boyfriend it is that,
1. He looks down on people that get this drunk. He normally doesn't see the point or he doesn’t drink at all.
2. He hates dancing and parties, which has lead to endless fights between us this happened only last week at my Sisters wedding.

But here he is all of those things it's like I've never met him before. I finally get him into bed. I go to get a drink when I get down stairs the shoe rack is broken, all of the coats are on the floor and the cats look truly scared and I can't blame them. When I return he is half asleep so I sit reading I want to make sure he is ok I have asked if he feels sick but he assures me he doesn't. As I'm reading his breathing changes and I know it means he is going to be sick I jump up and get the bathroom door wedged open, make sure there is a clear path to the toilet. I then haul him out of bed because his hip hurts and he is too drunk to stand on his own. I get him there on time he is sick and it is not pretty I run around getting drinks and cleaning up for another 2 hours while this happens on and off. He keeps telling me how sorry he is, how he knows how mad he would be if I came home like this (which he would!) how much he appreciates me, and how nice I am being. Which is actually quite funny but I'm totally exhausted at this point.

He finally stops being sick at quarter to 5, and he is asleep by 5am snoring and everything. I stay up till 6am just to make sure he is ok, at which point I can no longer fight sleep. As I drift off I remember we are both meant to be going shopping in the morning with his Mum and I know I'll be going alone.
Saturday: I wake up at half 11 and Future Mother-In-Law and I do indeed go shopping the rest of the day consisted of naps and TV watching and retelling the events that unfolded the night before.

Sunday: I cooked my first ever Beef Roast Dinner and it is delicious!

So that was last week, sorry the post was so long but so much happened I just had to share! I will continue this week with my sisters wedding and other stuff too. And will catch up with Advent. Hope your week was better. Also praying this week will be less eventful.

Love
Simone
xxxx

Getting ready for my sisters big day...

2010-11-29T11:28:00.003Z

Morning ladies so the wedding was amazing and this week will be me retelling it in all its glory; this is the first photos of me on the blog! eek!!

My planning started Friday night I was waiting up till 12 to make sure I had been paid. (Thank God I was or I would have missed the whole thing) My Sister wasn't having any adult bridesmaids so didn't have a maid of honour I thought I would do the little things I knew my mum wouldn't think of, so I made a play list of love songs and songs I know my sister loves. (More on that later) Then once I was paid it was off to bed. (I’m sorry not so exciting yet lol)

When I woke up I was stupidly excited like it was Christmas, I hate to think what I'll be like when the Boyfriend and I get married. All packed and ready I went to Mums early on Friday by train, where she picked me up we went home quickly to drop my stuff off my Sister Becky called to say she was also so excited. Then we went to the town centre to meet my Sister Emma and Husband-to-be Tony at Starbucks. (This is not related in anyway but for three weeks now I have given up sugar in tea and I'm just a little bit proud of my self anyway lol) They were both so excited He was going to get his haircut and she needed make-up, eyebrows threading and a pedicure. While she went and had her eyebrows done Mum and I went to buy all the banners and balloons to decorate the house. While trying to pick a card Mum cried when she read one I mean tears down her eyes crying not just tearing up so she declared it to be the one lol. I decided that I would get Emma some helium balloons just as a gift but would get these when she wasn't around.

The girls went to boots (earned my Mum some points lol) Purchasing false eyelashes, (thanks Jenny! great tip) False stick on nails for Emma and loads of other stuff now the plan was to go and have our nails done for Mum and I and Emma to have her pedicure but they had no room :( so we all agreed we'd go back in the morning good job the wedding was until 4.30pm. So we parted ways as Sis and her H-T-B Tony still had stuff to do. I had my blunt fringe cut in for £2 yeah I know right I was so happy! Then it was on to By the Balloons as we were discussing where to go to get the balloons My sister appeared behind us she didn't hear anything but Mum and I must have looked so guilty then we had to try and get rid of her...

Without Emma and Tony, Mum and I went to 'The Balloon Man' of course to get balloons where else would you go really. This man is amazing I've been buying balloons from him since the start of secondary school on friend’s birthdays. We purchased 3 helium balloons, two round ones in her wedding colours of burgundy The Balloon man wrote on these 'Mrs *Last Name*' on and the other one 'Bride To Be' and a white heart one that said 'Best Wishes On Your Wedding Day' we love a balloon in our family so was so excited I knew she'd love It.

Later that evening Emma's friend and hair dresser Yazz turned up to set Emma and The eldest bridesmaids hair in rollers, she was amazing she's so lovely she was at Emma's hen party. She brought with her 2 bottles of wine :D. When Emma arrived she brought 3 bottles of wine with her, and mum had some wine and champagne in the fridge lol. I put on the play list I had made the night before and gave Emma her balloons she loved them. Now in my family at parties I am normally the one in charge of the music I know what each member of my families favourite songs are I know what order to play them in so that everything is balanced it's something I'm actually very proud of. When I put the play list on my sister said song after song "Oh Simone I love this one" I was so happy laughing and we we’re having a great time having fun having our hair done.

As we finished bottle after bottle of wine we got drunker and drunker we watched a video Emma's friend had made for her and Tony for the wedding and before we knew it in was 11.30 at but of course we stayed up till midnight to see in the wedding day! We all went to bed excited and very drunk...

More tomorrow with more pictures.
Love
Simone
xxxx

Sunday best...

2010-11-25T12:49:00.010Z

...well Saturday Best in this case...

Well today is the last day I'm at home before my Sister's wedding. Early tomorrow I shall be on a train to my Mums to help her get the house in shape (Sisters getting ready there and my Mum wants the house to look good in the photos) Then we have a day of getting ourselves ready (nails done, full fringe cut in, etc) Then the evening we will be sorting the church and I will be spending the night with my Mum and Bride to be sister and I can't wait! Having my favourite home cooked meal braised steak and dumplings :D

So I thought you might like to know what I'm going to wear on this very special day because I love my outfit!

So first up is The coat which I spent a whole year lusting over and shall get its debut at the wedding.

This coat will be my saving grace because it is supposed to snow this weekend and it means I can be warm and still look good *win win*

Under this I shall be wearing a fabulous green dress from ASOS which was also a bargain because I used an online discount code again and got it for like half price *result* :)

When the dress arrived and I saw it on the hanger it really wasn't all that, I thought I'd made a huge mistake, but when you put it on OMG it's amazing it fits so well it's a great shape and the shirt comes out at the waist slightly it makes me feel confident and so happy (unlike the model wearing it what's up with her face?)

This will be warn with very thick black tights because hate my legs and its going to snow people!!! (I figured you know what tights look like they're not the most interesting now are they) I shall also be wearing big pull everything in knickers you know the kind you all have them but if your looking for a pair and your size 14 or over then head to YOURS clothing because they are comfortable and a steal at under £10 (some are less than £5 at the moment) Also checkout the bras a whole range of sizes and that make your boobs look A-MAZ-ING! For like £12 a bra!

Now we all ladies here so on to the shoes... you may be a little disappointed they are flats (the boyfriend begged please to not buy heels you won't enjoy yourself you will moan all night and you want to enjoy yourself, right?) So I took his advice but would you look at these...

I LOVE THEM! I thought for the day my dress is nice with the coat but in the evening when the coat comes off (believe me I'm not happy about it but apparently I'll get to hot or it'll be rude or something) The dress is a little plain and with out heels I thought it wouldn't look dressy enough.

Jewellery is difficult because my Sister is not having any adult bridesmaids me and my sister have taken the roles but don't have to wear the dresses or walk down the aisle (thank you!) but she got us these (see above) But ours have diamonds in the middle of the flowers which I love but with a fur coat and pearls I’m a little scared I might end up looking like this (see below) Glamorous yes, fun and ready to party not so much! So I thought for The wedding I will wear some small pearl earrings and a pearl necklace but in the evening I might put something more sparkly on not that I know what yet!

Finally the hair (see below) elegant and simple I have no idea how to do my make up for this look any suggestions would be great!

So let me know what you think and I want you all to keep in mind my Big Sister and Anna of Anna and the ring fame as she is also getting married (they both make me so jealous in what to be married like... NOW)

Lots of love and excitement
Simone
xxxx

Sharing the love...

2010-11-24T08:08:00.005Z

This morning I woke and when I got round to looking at my RSS reader on my phone (as it's only just gone 8am you can tell this is the first thing I do) I saw this 'loveiness' post from My Spare Thoughts Saying that she thinks my blog is lovely! Well this led to me running into the kitchen to tell the boyfriend and him giving that blank look (the one that says I know your blog means the world to you but I just don't understand it) so I will also pass the love on, So my 15 most lovely/loved blogs are...

Lottie Really Loves. because we are just too a like it scares me and I love what she says.

The Urban Boheme because she's super lovely and I look forward to every single post of hers

Anna and The Ring because my god planning her wedding has not been a walk the park, she loves and fosters cats! She is also getting married on the same day as my sister.

From becoming a wife to becoming a mama because I love this blog she found me then I couldn't stop reading her blog oh the power of comments.

Daydreams in lace because I loved reading about all her wedding planning and now can't wait to hear all about the wedding!

What Possessed Me Because no blog makes me laugh loud or makes me say so true as much.

My Spare Thoughts Because this blog is witty well written insightful and I never miss a post

Peonies and Polaroids because this blog warms my heart it's honest and lovely and includes photos, rabbits and new born twins!

Pacing the panic room So funny! A beautiful account of family. Also the only Blog I read written by a man. (not happy about this fact will do more to change it)

I am baker because I am so in awe of this woman's talents and her ability and confidence to completely change recipes. I want so of her biscuits!

Hi-Fi Weddings because I'm all about the soundtrack and no one knows music better than these guys.

Any other wedding because this is a resent find I wish I had found so much earlier! Just makes so much sense.

A Practical Wedding because I love the community, the care for each other and the true honest advice that I go here when I'm lost.

Rock My Wedding because This is the second blog I found and I love it more everyday being a UK bride it can be hard to find the inspiration so this is where I go.

Savoir Weddings because I love everything that it posted and if I could afford a wedding planner I'd so be calling them.

Check them out I love all of them and you need them in your life :D

Love
Simone
xxxx

Our random little world

2010-11-20T11:14:00.005Z

Happy Weekend! I hope you relaxing or just doing all the things you like. So far this morning the boyfriend and I sat in bed and listened to Radiohead then he made me bacon sandwiches and tea :D so it already a pretty good weekend.

The boyfriend works for a small company where there are only three people in the office the boyfriend, another woman and their boss who doesn’t come in until after 2pm. So he spends a fair bit of time looking at all sorts of funny things and oddities on the websites. He then sends me this and we both laugh its always childish and a totally waste of time so I thought I’d share them with you every Saturday! They could be pictures, websites, jokes or videos hope you like.

The Scale of things...

http://thechive.com/2009/09/21/small-earth-big-universe/

Wall-e is one of my fave films ever this made me scream when I saw it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As7UQtKX00c

Now I love really bad joke really terrible ones I'm sorry...

'I once threw a boomerang to a ghost. That'll come back to haunt me.'

'Went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, turns out I picked 7up.'

Awww!

When the Boyfriend sent me this picture the title of the email was Best picture Ever!

So this is the random stuff that makes us giggle though you might like it too think i'll do this every saturday.

Love
Simone & The Boyfriend
xxxx

Here comes the bride…

2010-11-19T20:16:00.005Z

That’s my big sister and me, I’m only just born in this photo I think she’s 16, see that look of love and care she still looks at me like that even now I’m big, grown and no where near as cute but still with loads of hair. She’s the one person I run to knowing I can tell her anything and she’ll face it with me. She has been my rock as my family and I went through tough times she was the one that told me to suck it up say sorry and be part of our family because it’s the only one I’m gonna get. She also tells my mum to give me a break when she’s being too much. My sister is the best family and friend I could have ever been given, fact, end of…

One Saturday the 27th of November 2010 my sister is getting married. I am so overjoyed for her. She was married before it didn’t work out but she handled it with such grace and dignity even though the guy was a tool. She said after that she’d never get married again and it was sad because if anyone deserves the happy ending its my sister.

The man she is marring is perfect for her. My sister won’t mind me saying she’s a total control freak, is loud out going, life and soul of everyday life and tries to look after everyone, I mean everyone. He on the other hand is so laid back, funny, lets her be a control freak but knows when she needs help and most of all looks after her as much as she looks after everyone else. They are different but are exactly what the other one needs. You may ask how did they meet well they went to school together. Yup that’s right went to school together when they we’re little, then one day many years on met up again and it sort of went from there.

So perfect and do you want to know how I know its perfect? Because of the huge smile that’s been on my sisters face since they got together, her watery eyes at the rehearsal last week when the reverend was just talking through the wedding also because of the fact she said when they got engaged I just want to marry him tomorrow I could do without all the bits and bobs I just want to be his wife. I’m so excited to be reading at their wedding, to be a part of such a special day in their lives together.

So to my sister who I won’t actually let read my blog yet good luck, well done and thank you for showing us how true love is possible. I love you…

You will hear so much more about the wedding before next week and after. This time next week we’ll both be staying at my mum’s house before the wedding and I can’t wait!!!

Love
Simone
xxxx

P.S. sorry about poor quality of the photo.

The engagement / pre-wedding shoot...

2010-11-18T21:12:00.001Z

I already know who I want as our photographer for the wedding I found her a year ago and her pictures are so light and beautiful but they convey such emotion and no matter how many weddings I look at I haven't once been swayed by another photographers art. (I shall reveal who at a later date.)

I am shy person in front of cameras but the boyfriend is super shy and hates the idea of being centre of attention at the wedding so when I mentioned an engagement shoot it went a lot like this...

Simone: how do you feel about having an engagement shoot?
The boyfriend: *completely blank look* a what now?
S: oh its a shoot with the wedding photographer before the wedding so we can get used to being infront of the camera.
TB: *blank but scared look*
S: yeah that's pretty much how I thought this conversation would go...

Which kills me because I had all these great places for us to go and take our photos but its not always about me...
Are you having one of these shoots or did you have one if so how was it and where did you go?

Love
Simone
xxxx

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Fear...

2010-11-18T09:11:00.001Z

I know this blog is sometimes a mix of all different topics but today is going to be an odd one it is very personal to me and isn’t an easy topic…
I have a huge fear of death, not just your ordinary I don’t want to die an actual when I think about it I can’t breath fear. This is called Thanatophobia. This isn’t a recent addition to my fear list either I have been afraid of death since I was maybe 6 or 7. I would beg my Mum before I go to bed not to leave me and not to die; no one knows why I did it. I would have nightmares about being dead I would also have nightmares about being in a car and not knowing how to drive it from an early age where I would wake just before the crash. (Which points to loss of or feeling out of control, but at 7 how much control of your life can you really expect.) I am afraid of double-decker buses, fast trains, going fast in cars and airplanes all for fear of dying and again I have been afraid of these things since I was in primary school.

I am not one of those people that longs to be young forever, the peter pan syndrome some call it. I would happily grow old with the boyfriend and have a family and reach my goals, it is more the actual being dead part, or more the not being able to come back.

My first really full on panic attack about death was when I was 16 I was sitting on the edge of the bath waiting for the shower to warm up and it hit me this life doesn’t last forever one day I will die. I sat there unable to breath feeling dizzy and powerless to what is the inevitable. When I was young I believed in God without a doubt I knew there was a haven and I knew there was a life after this one; But I also believed in Father Christmas… Now as an adult who believes in science and knows more about life I struggle with religion. I want so much to hand my life to someone else, to believe in something bigger than me, that someone has a plan for each of us, that we are not all merely coincidence but I find it difficult. I fear the unknown I do not like surprises and death is the most unknown thing of all.
It’s a fear I will have to struggle with everyday after all the circumstances won’t change but this fear sometimes could get in the way of living the life I have. Do you know what makes it even worse? Some people take lives selfishly. I have experience of a friends life being taken and the thought of that person who was kind and clever only getting one life, one chance and it got taken away by someone who still gets to have theirs well it really doesn’t sit well with me.
Two things make this fear manageable one is that I’m realistic, I hope for a heaven but if there is not one I will have lived my life knowing you only get one shot. The second is that know one else knows either an afterlife has not been proved or disproved it might still be there.

So I will leave you with two things I have to think of when these thoughts come to mind and I start to panic the first is something I read on the internet while searching about fear of death. That if you were to play chess over and over again, the games would eventually be repeated, it’s just how it works out there are only so many moves. Maybe this happens with life maybe one day it will all get repeated again although if it does I’d like not to have this fear the second time round…

The second is from one of the Harry Potter books (childish but I’ve never forgotten it) “To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” Albus Dumbledore. Please let me know if you have ever had this feeling it would help to know I’m not the only one or if you fear anything else.

Sorry it’s not very uplifting I’ll blog about something better later.
Love
Simone
xxxx

What a modern bride should never say...

2010-11-16T21:50:00.001Z

I know that being a bride at the moment that most of the time I'm expected to have an out there never done before wedding that breaks with traditions and starts my own and I'm totally in support of anyway people want to celebrate there wedding.

But I'm gonna say what your not supposed to say... I think I want the white wedding, the fruit tiered cake, the flowers and tradition. I am one of those girls that dreamt of getting married from a young age. I did find my prince and I want the wedding Disney promised me.

I do not how ever want to be ripped off by the WIC, the knot or bridal magazines. I do not want to look like Jordan in a carriage and huge pink dress. But I would like occasion and elegance on a budget.

I tell you this because although I love love love the individual I went to the end of the earth and back to make my wedding unique style on all the blogs now, I some times feel that all that effort to stand out is another distraction. I also think that trying to plan a wedding to what is on trend such as or wedding dress, colours or theme (vintage) that will one day be out of date and you may look back and be like was that really us or was it what everyone said was cool.

If you as couple only ever buy vintage or are always Eco friendly and you make this a huge part of your day I admire you. If you always break tradition and do it in your wedding or if you stick to tradition because this is an important part of your wedding then you inspire me.

I just wanted everyone to know I totally dig tradition and trying to feel like a princess for today. And if that makes me uncool in blog land then so be it but I'm sticking by my guns.

Oh and by the way I know loads of people will hate it but totally excited about the royal wedding. Congrats!

Love
Wanna be princess
Simone
xxxx

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I'm sick

2010-11-15T11:53:00.002Z

Everyone in our house has had this cold for weeks and I avoided it but now I've got it and its kicking my ass. I'm living off sudafed, chest cough medicine, vicks, tissues and sherry. (see picture above) All of this was brought for by my mum over the weekend while I stayed at hers for my sisters wedding rehearsal. It was like being a kid again I was looked after the whole time. (I know I bitch about her a lot but she totally pulled through this weekend even picking me up and dropping me off)

When I get home I am less cared for, the boyfriend has been in doors all weekend playing his xbox. The room is a total mess, the 2 loads of washing I sorted before I left one was done just before I came home other one still on the floor. The boyfriend huffs when I ask for any type of help.

This morning I get up with him at 7 even though I feel like crap, I make his lunch, make him coffee, tumble dry the things he needs, I hang the washing he put on but didn't sort out after he asks me to take his clothes up that are now dry... I do and I download his programs.

But when I asked him to bring cups down did he no. When I called him on not tiding this weekend or this morning does he say sorry no he starts a fight and storms off to work. Leaving me to tidy everything when its taking all my effort to stand and I know I'm having a rant and I'm sorry but today this just too much...

Love a very sick Un-looked-after and put out
Simone
xxxx

Just my life really…

2010-11-12T11:41:00.000Z

So this is just a post to tell you what going. Today I went and gave all my account details to my new job so I can be paid at the end of this month, hooray! While I was there I saw my name up with all the other training advisers and it was so good that I had to call the boyfriend at work and tell him.

This weekend is my sisters wedding rehearsal and I’m doing a reading, (I’m dysexic by the way so I’m starting to worry that I’ll just forget how to read) I shall tell of the reading closer to the wedding. But I had free rein to pick the reading and when my sister read it she cried so I’m glad she loves it. Not long to the wedding now and we’re all getting very excited.

The rehearsal is on Sunday but the trains are complete rubbish that day (what a surprise) and it would take me like an hour and a half to get there and it starts at 11am so you get forget me getting up that early. So I’m stay at Mum and Dad’s Saturday, which is ok but they have the most uncomfortable sofa bed EVER! But shock horror my Mum is coming to get me! Which is almost unheard of. My Dad will finally have fixed our computer and we will have it home on Sunday thank goodness. I will also get to see Mum’s lovely ginger cats Fat Head and Grumpy. (Not their real names but that’s what I call them) At the moment we’re using future mothering laws computer but I can’t wait to have my Itunes and pictures back!

This all adds up to a very good weekend for the boyfriend who has our room to himself to play Rock Band 3 and other such xbox 360 treats.

So I hope your Friday is going well I might post again before Monday I may not (it’s one of those lazy weekends you see) but I will defiantly be here Monday to tell you about the rehearsal! Sorry for the not very exciting post but it is very exciting to me!

Love
Simone
xxxx

THE Shoe...

2010-11-11T13:24:00.000Z

Colour scheme, as I’ve mentioned the Cathedral and hall are White/Ivory and gold so we’re going to roll with that. But we’re also going to add black to the mix and the boyfriend and I are music crazy it one of the reasons we fist liked each other so we’re going sophisticated music notes and old school records my friends and family would expect nothing less.

But I’m not going to talk about that today I’m going to talk about something much more materialistic. Shoes of course I am a girl after all. Not just any shoes but THE Shoes. This may seem wrong as it’s a wedding surely it should be THE dress, however I have size 8/9 feet, huge! I find it so difficult to find shoes in my size that I love and that are comfortable. To be honest I will where the dress one but shoes can be my piece of wedding until they fall apart.

I find it so difficult to spend money on myself I find it much easier to justify spending my money on others. Until last year I found out my favourite designer Ms Vivienne Westwood had made these shoes!

I fell totally head over heels in love. The boyfriend could tell you that I would not shut up about them and they come in my size, but at the time funds would have never matched up to the dream, so I watched as they started to sell out everywhere and got over my dream.

Then last weekend I was searching the Internet and saw these…

Ms Westwood I love you they are in our colours in my size and the go on sale just as I get paid for my new job. I can’t believe my luck so they hopefully shall be my wedding shoes!!! It’s a lot of money to spend on my self but just this once I think I might actually do it. After all I can’t have one of her dresses although I do wish.

I know they will be so popular as wedding shoes so I'm hoping i get a pair before they run out and if I don't I'm sure I'll let you know.

Love
Simone
xxxx

The dress search is on...

2010-11-10T17:39:00.002Z

I find it super difficult to spend money on my self and I love to have a style. Maybe not up-to-date fashion sort of styles more my own personal style. I have tried many different styles, I have been an emo with involved so much hair dye my hair looked like straw. Hippy styles where I wore a lot of sun dresses and then there was the phase where I was crazy about junk jewellery. I’m pretty sure most people do this in they teenage years.

Then I went through a stage of have no money, none what so ever. I got clothes from charity shops (which in no way is a bad thing there are some real finds out there) or family members would see the holes in my clothes and buy me some new ones. While I was unemployed I put on weight like crazy by not exercising and eating pretty much everything. But I’m starting to build up a collection of clothes, I’m starting to lose weight slowly and in a health way (more balanced meals, cutting right down on junk food, no fizzy drinks and smaller portions).

The reason I tell you this is the dreaded wedding dress search. Now I have mentioned before that I haven’t had the best start with the wedding dress hunt. My Mum offered to buy my dress for me… as long as I lost a certain amount of weight, and she wouldn’t even start talking about the dress let alone looking for it until I had lost the amount of weight that she would like. On top of that we had completely different styles of dress in mind.

My Mum kept pointing out big over the top wedding dresses and with crystals and sparkles galore. Which I can totally understand people wanting you only get one chance to rock the fairy princess dress but its just not my style. So I very politely told my Mum that I would but my own dress and she could buy something amazing to wear, she was quite happy with this.

So I have simple tastes and the type of dress I’m looking at is this one but with a white sash…

I saw it and knew that it was just right as it’s a small short wedding it's big enough to rock at a Cathedral not to much that I’m going to feel silly wearing it in the Cathedral hall after! Only problem is its from Aria Dress which means its American and I’m worried about buying my dress online. By the way I didn't even know of this company until it was featured on Rock n' Roll bride! I love wedding blogs! Has anyone done it? Any tips? Because I love it! If not I think I might look into having a dress made but where do I start looking for someone. I’m sure this will be a recurring topic.

Tell me what you think, what dresses do you have in mind?

Love
Simone
xxxx

Over complicating things…

2010-11-10T08:37:00.002Z

I have a tendency to over complicate things it drives the boyfriend crazy and makes me go a bit mad. As I said before the boyfriend is not religious but I am, so I was going crazy trying to find a venue that is very us when he has no problems with getting married in a church. Because he knows how much it means to me.

It is the dream to get married in a church really and I have a very good friend who is an amazing priest (more on him later). So once again getting married in the church is the simple thing to do. I love a Cathedral near as and it has the MOST amazing hall, cream walls wooden floor, gold wall lights, huge cream and gold curtains and great windows. The Cathedral is beautiful inside and the hall is on the same sight, and to hire it for the whole day would be around £400.

Cathedral Out side

See perfect in every way, now I know your expecting me to tell you a downside but there isn’t one. That’s me over complicating things. I went to school down the road from the Cathedral and every time I went it was special and really had sense of God and beauty. Me and my Mum even used to joke when I was little and we went to other weddings, well this wedding is nice but it’s not going to be as nice as my wedding at the Cathedral.

Cathedral Inside

The reason it sounds perfect and the dream is because it is. The reason I kept doubting my self… because when is it ever that easy? When do you hear the bride say of its central for everyone, has great reception on the sight, is a bargain and is my dream, oh yeah never!

Cathedral Hall Outside

So I have stopped over complicating it and can announce our venue will be at Brentwood Cathedral. Also the Cathedral is White and Gold everywhere and some things I have already decided on come in white and Gold. So why not just go with the colour scheme we already have.

Cathedral Hall Inside

The only problem I still have is that we are only going to have 60 guest maybe less, the Cathedral could quite comfortably fit my whole senior school in it so I don’t want it to feel like lots of empty space so I need to think about that.

Love
Simone
xxxx

All photo's from Brentwood Cathedral Website

A love story very close to my heart…

2010-11-09T11:40:00.001Z

You know how you see films and read stories about people that we’re meant to be. They make you wish for that kind of love in your life. However its something you rarely see in everyday life. You hear of 50% divorce rates, people in love unable to get married because of their sexuality and weddings being a time for companies to rip you off. But sometimes you need that true love story to know that it’s possible.

Well I have one of those in my family; I’d like to tell you about Richard and Dorothy my Grandparents. They met when they were 11 and they were a couple from then on really, when they were 18 they got engaged. This is there engagement photo.

They got married this is them at their wedding…

They had 5 children my mum being the youngest 2 girls and 3 boys. She was tough and abrupt, he was happy go lucky always the life and soul they we’re opposites but they worked. They spent their whole lives together when my mum was born my Nan had, had enough she went out to work and my Granddad stayed at home to raise my mum. Which was almost unheard of then. They had my Mum really late in life my mum’s sister is 18 years older than she is so they we’re quite old by the time I was born and I don’t remember loads about them as a couple from my own experience but the stories are amazing.

This is where it turns a little bit into film of The Notebook. My Nan developed Alzheimer's. It was bad; she would bite people and think my Dad was her son. Here is a picture of both of them holding me. My Nan has Alzheimer’s badly by this stage.

She became violent and he was old and as much as he wanted to look after her by himself he couldn’t. She was taken to live in a home so I never really got to see her much once she lived there. He visited her every single day without fail. But she got worse and worse and was slowly slipping away. Eventually she passed away and it was the end of my Granddad’s world he had seen this same person everyday since he was 11. I do remember more about my Granddad and I remember him telling me about her and you could tell from the way he spoke about her and the way he looked when talking about her that he was heart broken. She truly was the centre of everything for him. I didn’t see it then I was young but looking back now it was clear. He was still loving and fun but the sparkle in his eye had gone he was lonely without her.

He passed away less than a year after she died. He became ill his body started shutting down and the doctors couldn’t find a cause. The doctors told my Mum and Dad it happened a lot with couples that had been together a long time once one went the other of would give up and pass away soon after. I remember clearly my Granddad being in hospital I would sit and talk with him while my parents would talk to doctors he would tell me he was ok, he was going to be with my Nan. When I would ask him where it hurt or why he was sick he used to tell me everything hurt and he was sick because he had a broken heart. (When I was little I thought this meant he had heart problems but he didn’t)

The last thing my Granddad said to me was “Simone life is like a Merry-go-round, It’s so beautiful and fun that when it stops and it’s time to get off, all you want to do is go round again.” I was little but as I’ve grown older I truly appreciate how beautiful these words are to have a person in your life that you could keep going round and round with and never be unhappy, to have a life so fulfilling and joyous that you wish you could do it all again exactly the same.

Love
Simone
xxxx

I need a wedding planner...

2010-11-08T22:04:00.004Z

Ok so here’s the deal we’re having a super small wedding just 58 people, which will include everyone we need there. We don’t want a party or a disco as I’ve said before just a dinner with these special 58. We want a killer honeymoon hopefully to New York we have never been on holiday together before and if we’re having a honeymoon well you better believe we are going to do it right.

These are all the simple parts of the wedding, I know who we want there because these are immediate family and very best friends and that’s it. So when I started looking at blogs the type of wedding I fell in love with were the ones where everyone pitches in and a friend makes the cake and the car is one of the family members. You know what I’m on about the one where you can see the love in the air in the pictures and everyone is glowing and you cry just thinking about this wedding of people you’ve never met.

Sounds easy enough when you’re from a huge family right… WRONG. My Mum and Dad are all about looking good to other people and talking a big talk but there is nothing really behind it as I have found out from the wedding my sister is currently planning. My mum wants to show up on the day with a huge hat and take credit for all the things she hasn’t done. My Dad would be more helpful but that would involve my mum letting him. The only experience I have of me my Mum and wedding planning so far is her telling me she won’t look at wedding dresses with me until I lose weight.

Ok so my parents are a no go but what about my future Mother-in-law I hear you ask. Well she wasn’t overjoyed when we got engaged and we have completely different ideas about what a wedding should be. My Mum and Dad got married for £100 in the 80’s which was my Mum’s fourth marriage and my Dad’s first and he planned the whole thing. Future Mother-in-law got married in a registry office with just her husband and her Mother-in-law no party no celebration just to get married. Which is what they all wanted but they think that we should do it like they did it and aren’t up for helping with a wedding that isn’t what they had.

I am close to my sister (sister 1) but at the moment she is planning her wedding which is in 3 weeks and then there is Christmas and I know if I was her I would want a break for a while before planning another wedding. I have my best friend and my maid of honour but she has started a new uni she left the one she was at before and she is ages away.

So that leaves just the boyfriend and me. The boyfriend had been to one wedding in his whole life. His brothers and it was expensive and he didn’t really take much notice of it. I have been to loads but to plan one on your own with no one to really help is getting me down. To be honest it all feels a bit much I don’t even know where to start. I would like to get the boyfriend and I to New York and get married there but when we get home our Mum’s would kill us. So I’m thinking a wedding planner may become my new best friend the only problem is like with all things wedding there is so much choice and with such a small wedding and budget it seems a bit extravagant. So where do I start when trying to find someone to make my wedding dreams come true?

Love and please help
Simone
xxxx

Opposites make for difficult wedding planning...

2010-11-08T08:36:00.000Z

The boyfriend is the man of my dreams. Not because we saw each other over a crowded room and just knew we were going to get married believe me we didn’t. We went to the same college we were two people in a huge group of friends but we were the odd ones in the group. He was shy and I was an ‘emo’ with a different colour fringe each week. One day I looked at his Ipod and he was not a ‘chav’ as I had thought; He liked good music, my kind of music. When you are sixteen that is all the evidence you need for this guy to become your crush. So he did and a year later he asked me out. (I will explain more at a later date)

So when your first attraction is based on music taste you never think it will last more than a summer. Believe me, my friends were so surprised that we were still together after the summer. We had grown close found out about each other, found what we liked and disliked. We had totally different backgrounds and totally different beliefs, but this teenage boy wasn’t like the others, he was smart, funny and down to earth.

I am manic, emotional, irrational and loud. He is the opposite to all of the things I am but he knows me no one else knows when I need to be left alone and when I need help. We’re perfect because we work at it not because we’re meant to be. We are only twenty but we’ve really been up against in the last 3 years and together just the two of us we made it through and got stronger every time.

All sounds great right all our differences are what make our relationship work. These differences will get us through a life time you know what is super difficult when you’re two individuals in one relationship, Planning a wedding!

Most things are easy the most important things for our wedding are,
1. Showing our love and the commitment we wish to make to one another.
2. Music, well music never stopped being a huge part of our lives and I think it always will be.
3. Great food that we actually like, we’re not party people we’re put your favourite songs on in the background and have good dinner with loved ones sort of people.
4. Photography because I have a huge appreciation of the art and because I want to be able to show my children how we got married.
5. Having just the people that really know and love us there. I come from a huge family it would be easy to invite everyone but who has actually met the boyfriend, who will actually want to be there to see us married not just to say they we’re invited.

The most difficult thing that we don’t agree on is that I’m catholic and the boyfriend doesn’t follow religion, he’s happy for everyone to believe what they want, he just doesn’t want or need it in his life. So on a day that is supposed to be about both of us it is difficult to plan a wedding where opinions are so different.

I wish I were an American bride. Where you can get married anywhere you want and have a friend ordained to marry you. Because I would like someone that knows and cares about us to marry us (which we have but he is a catholic priest that can only marry us in a catholic church.) But in a place that makes both of us feel comfortable and is beautiful. I’m totally stuck and can’t think of how to find a compromise. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Love
Simone
xxxx

When you wish upon a star your dreams come true....

2010-11-06T00:59:00.002Z

I am sitting in bed at one in the morning the boyfriend is sleeping peacefully next to me as it is a Friday which means no horrible alarms to snap us from dreaming tomorrow morning. I can't sleep so I'm sitting in the dark listening to him breath and thinking.

This is when I think best in the dark in the silence. Today was my last shift at my retail job and hopefully I will never have to work in retail again. It is hard tiring work and its the only type full time work I have done. I love people what they do, say or the way they act. People surprise and inspire me. But this love and need for knowledge can be slightly crushed when you work in retail. People shopping is not us at our best or even or most interesting it is us being rude and in a rush. Any way I'm getting off topic...

This time last year I was probably doing the same thing at this time of night sitting in the darkness thinking. I didn't know it but I was about to have a break down. People I worked with were mean and the customers were rude. I had or was just getting over swine flu. The boyfriend didn't have a job. We had lost our baby. I had stopped talking to everyone. The boyfriend in a few weeks time last year would have been holding my hand on the way to the doctors where I would be put on anti-depressants.

So I was in the depths of depression. Sharing a broken single bed with the boyfriend. I would look out the window and watch the stars because when you hit bottom and you've got nothing all you can do is wish. I would wish and pray. I would ask for the boyfriend to get a job; for my soul and body not to hurt any more; for the loss of the baby to bring us closer and not rip us apart; for us to some how to get closer to our dreams so we wouldn't have to work at jobs that made us feel worthless; for us to have some friends so we would have someone else to talk to.

One year on and that really all it is maybe even to the day, we have a king-size bed. The boyfriend has a job he likes when he was ill a couple of weeks ago he still really wanted to go in even though he was so sick they would have sent him home. I'm about to get a job with amazing money that is so close and a great step to my dream job. I'm happy really happy with just the simple things like having a great cuddle with the boyfriend or having a really great dinner together this was lost on me last year. I still ache when I see babies or pregnant women but to get through that together has made us so strong. Yes I'd love a baby when its time but right now it would just be a replacement for what I lost and a child should never have to be anything than its self. It would never fill the hole anyway but it shouldn't have to. I have met loads of people through my sister and through work, but I've also got closer to my old friends and so has the boyfriend.

So I don't care if it was the wishing on stars, the prayers, luck or fight and drive but we have made it together just us two. I'm the most grateful person to be here, happy, healthy and in love. I so amazed out how far we have come and excited at what could come next.

Love
A very honest and sleepy
Simone
xxxx

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funfairs and fireworks...

2010-11-05T12:15:00.002Z

Its fireworks night and I really love it, I didn’t so much when I was a kid I had hearing problems that meant it was always to loud but one night 3 years ago changed all that.

The first year the boyfriend and I were together he told me about this huge funfair that gets set up on a farm near us and they do fireworks as well. Some things you should know about the boyfriend and me, we’re not crazy about going out and having a wild time we’re old souls. Secondly, we’re not big on public displays of romance or affection. We’re very private and it works for us.

So we went to the fair now I get motion sickness if I get up to quickly (honestly I’m terrible!) and we got there and he said come on the waltzer with me. (Now I thought it would be like the ones I have been on before the little kiddie ones that go slow WRONG!) So blinded by love I went on it. I was almost sick, felt like my neck had been broken and I couldn’t see what direction to walk in order to get off. The boyfriend found this most amusing.

But this rest of the night was amazing I didn’t pay for a single thing all night, I had my first ever lemon and lime slush and now when ever I have one it takes me right back to that night and how in love and young I was. Its beautiful standing in a field that is normally empty and dark, but is for one night filled with all different kind of people and the bright lights and sounds of the rides and stalls.

We share hot donuts and I have sickly sweet treats like dummy rocks and honeycomb at the back of the fair where it’s dark and wait with everyone else for the fireworks. Excited children on sugar highs, playing with all the things they have won, surround us. And the fireworks start and their amazing well worth the money we paid to get in and everything goes quite apart from the children wowing at their favourite fireworks. The boyfriend holds me tight as we watch the fireworks everything is perfect and I have a huge smile on my face one of the best nights of my life.

Now we go every year we went last night and it was just as romantic and perfect as the first year. Filled with warm donuts, lemon and lime shushes and cuddles under the exploding fireworks. I could never fully do justice with words how much I love this night spent with the boyfriend and how romantic it is but I’m sure everyone has one night that they know changed their relationship forever in the most amazing way!

Love
Simone
xxxx