Tuesday, 8 March 2011

twinkle twinkle little star...

Yesterday was the sad day, Which means I spent all day doing things, anything I could find keeping my mind off the fact that it should have been my baby's 1st Birthday. Which was working really well I didn't nap, I just had the day to myself doing silly chores and then at half 8 last night I ran out of things to do. I had started watching a film but the main character had what should have been the baby's name so I turned it off and the boyfriend was in the bathroom and tiredness kicked because I had been busy non-stop since 6am. In the silence my mind wondered to what that day could have been, it might have been a celebration of a year of firsts, first words, first time standing, first cuddles and kisses. But it wasn't, all I could do was picture this little person that didn't quite get here. My heart broke and I felt empty and alone and longed for something that I had put to the back of my mind so I could get through each day, but today was so strong in my mind.

The boyfriend returned from the bathroom and I was snapped back into reality and I didn't like is so started to snap at him because he had to ask what was wrong and because he wasn't sad we have always felt differently about the baby. Then he suggested that we use the lantern that we we're given months ago but had no occasions for.

I held the lantern for a while as the fuel burned, this light in all the darkness so beautiful and delicate. I watched it float quickly away becoming so small it looked like one of the stars the emotion inside be boiled up and I felt mad. I had been holding something so beautiful I had no control over it all I could do was watch it disappear and be left with a memory of something beautiful that was gone... I couldn't get it back no matter how much I wanted it.... I sobbed till I couldn't breath.

That's how I feel everyday and I can't make it go away, My baby is gone I had a few months of connection, love, dreams and plans that never came to be and although the pain does ease over time, my heart will always know and be a little bit broken because of it no matter what else might happen.


1 comment:

  1. I have no idea what you must be going through or feeling. But if you ever want anyone to chat to, you have my email. xxx