Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Fighting back the tears...

We arrived at the hospital to find my Nanny sitting outside with her friend smoking (she does that alot) My Mum and I ran to hug her, we stood together in tears. Finially we broke apart and sat on a bench. She told us that he had come out of sedation early in the morning, she had been sitting with him talking, his mouth kept getting dry so she kept wetting it for him. Nurses kept coming in and asking if she wanted anything and if she thought of anything she wanted then she was to ring the buzzer instead of leaving the room. She didn't understand what they were not telling her. His breathing became different she was close by him, someone knocked on the door and as she looked back round he had gone... he was at peace... he had taken his last breath.

She sat with him a long time on her own then once she was ready she left. My Mum, Dad and Granddad's Sisters had all decided to see him again. I couldn't... I couldn't face it. The last time I had seen him was lovely even if I hadn't expected for it to be the last time I saw him. There was a small room in the hospital where my Nanny, Mum, Granddad's Sisters and I sat while my Dad sorted getting My Granddads things together. I just kept thinking how lucky we were that we had felt the need to go up there on the Saturday and not wait till the Sunday. Everyone kept telling me how he had waited to see me and the amazing bond we had always had. They we're trying to be nice but it just reminded me of how much I love him and how much he had loved me and now he was gone. Gone how is that even possible. Someone who has been here my whole life that played such a part in the person I am is no longer around.

They decided to go to the pub over the road as they all needed a drink... I do not drink for many reasons I espically don't drink around times like these. They kept talking of the memories and the good times and I played along but in side I was broken and craving to be alone. Finially My Granddads Sisters went home and we took my Nanny home. How do you face the house you shared with the love of your life when you have just lost them. How is that possible, she was so strong and brave, I am in awe.

I looked over the little bungalow in a new way now, seeing his shoes and gardening hat where he had left them. Seeing all his faviourite food that would have to be cleared out at some point soon so Nanny could continue with her new unexpected life. She gave my Dad Granddads guitar and she showed me where he now kept the hidden chocolate and gave it to me. I hope that at some point I will get something cherished by my Granddad to keep as well. There was a breif mention of a funeral, but it was to soon for all that yet now there was just this great loss.

We packed up our things in the car, took one last look at my Granddads home, said goodbye and hugged my Nanny and we got in the car to come home. The car is silent the whole way home, I listened to my fighting back tears.

In the week since then I have struggled and cried with a million emotions. The funeral is on Monday and I struggling to deal with this all in my mind it's even harder to find the words.

I hope you understand the lack of posts.


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