Depression is a huge subject; many people suffer from it without even knowing. Some people think it’s just the way they are feeling, sad and down but there friends and family know it’s more than that. This was my case I think I had been depressed for a very long time before drugs and drink before the loss of loved ones and my very best friend, before the miscarriage of a child I really wanted. Even before all of that I had always kept my feelings hidden and dealt with it on my own so no one saw the way I picked myself apart the way I hurt myself to deal with the emotional pain I couldn’t see so couldn’t do anything about.
Until I started to live with the boyfriend and there was no hiding from my mood swings, my unwillingness to face everyday and get out of bed. This also made it difficult to hide anger, tears and hurting myself. The boyfriend took me to the doctor and they put me on anti-depressants and it feels like the whole world is ganging up on you that they all think your crazy. But I loved the boyfriend and could see the look on his face when the depression set in, that it was too much for him to take. I did it more for him than for me and the pills are horrible; for the fist two weeks they make you stupid tired, you are like some dazed confused mess stumbling around wanting to eat every 30 seconds and before the pills make it better they make it so much worse if you had a suicidal feeling before the pills you sure as hell want to kill your self every moment of everyday, everything you did wrong everything you hate about yourself and everyone else is in the forefront of your mind all the time. But these feelings now come out and you tell people how you feel inside and its rubbish for you and the ones you love.
I tell you this because on Monday I had to go back on the pills because I start a new job on Friday and that could send me over the edge if I’m not on the anti-depressants. But the thing that is killing me that I honestly felt like I was doing ok. Felt I was managing my feelings and emotions well. That I was getting over the loss of loved ones, the miscarriage, the cancelled wedding and the fact we’re not going to be moving out for ages and then the pills are back and so is all the rubbish. But my loved ones need this and I need them so that’s the compromise. It’s not always easy but I guess it’s for the best. Music however helps. Loud emotional music chases away the pain so hang in there loved ones and hopefully there’s light at the end of the two weeks.
Song for today: Wakey!Wakey! – Light Outside