(I didn't know if I was going to post this or not but I tell everything else. This might clear up my need to do everything like yesterday and why put the wedding off doesn't sit right with me.)
Its turning out to be a very tough month for me on the 7th it should have been my baby's 1st birthday, I went for an interview for a job that they basically told me I had then decided they didn't need anyone at all which means wedding plans are up in the air once again and it is Mothers day next weekend and that’s hard for me.
But today I am sad because it should be my friend Stuarts Birthday. He should be 24. But sadly he was taken away from us too soon. He was my best friend in the whole world, he became my family because my actual family are useless. He would let me crash at his we liked the same music and T.V. and although he was 5 years older than me and I was about 11 when we became friends it wasn't strange he was like my big brother. We met because I was out late just walking around because my parents liked me out of the way and he saw me and was worried. So he walked with me a chatted asked me why I was out and if my parents knew and as I started telling him about my situation he related and instantly started taking care of me. This continued as I got older, and my parents cared less and less where I was I would stay round his for whole weekends and then when he got his own place I stayed there. (his family we're well off) We would watch One Tree Hill together and he would make dinner and eventually most of his friends just figured I was his little sister. We never let each other down and we clung to each other. We made a family and it worked for us.
He is not like any other person I have met he was old beyond his years and the fact he had money meant he never struggled for anything. This need for him to have a family and look after people led to him getting married at 21 (yeah OK I know I’m doing the same) with a wonderful girl called Millie (she was already pregnant) I was now dating the boyfriend and we began to see less of each other. We still spoke everyday but we had separate lives.
One night I got a phone call in the middle of the night from Millie saying that Stu had been taken to hospital he had been in a fight or something and it was bad. So I jumped in a cab (parents sleeping wouldn't even care I was gone) When I got to the hospital his girlfriend told me that he had just gone out to get something from the shop, bread or milk or something stupid and some one had stabbed him. You know when you watch stuff like Grey's Anatomy and the lead is told bad news and everything slows down and sound goes blurry and they play a song over it all, this is 100% how it felt. Like my heart was stopping and bursting at the same time and as I tried to run to see him I just fell to the ground. This could not be happening this doesn't happen in real life. Not to people you actually know. Doctors kept rushing by but no one would tell us any thing me and Millie sat hand in hand silently waiting for news, seconds felt like days. The family I had made for myself was falling part right in front of me and I was 18. After hours and hours the doctors told us he was stable we could see him but not to expect to much we went in together and I wanted to throw up. He was always so strong and looking after everyone that to see him there helpless was wrong. He was awake and only saying single words and a time he looked in pain.
Millie went to call Stu's Grandmother to tell her he was stable and awake. It was just me and him I was sobbing although I was trying with everything I had to keep it together. I held his hand and he said very slowly, “Hey.....Princess.....Love......You”
I smiled burst into tears and when I open my eyes again he was struggling I didn't understand things were staring to peep, I was so sure he was joking like he always did, trying to pull one over on me. But he wasn't I didn't know what to do. I started shouting for help nurses ran in saying words I didn't understand and I was asked to wait outside. I ran off to find Millie she could tell just from my face. By the time we had got back he was gone. The people were starting to clear out and we knew I collapsed. She screamed and Doctors where talking to her but I didn't hear any of it. Then we sat in silence.
That was last time I saw my best friend. His girlfriend stopped me from going to his funeral because she was mad and upset that I was the last person to talk to him and that was one of the most heart breaking things that has ever happened to me and even now, when he has been gone for a while I find it so hard. I hear songs and watch our programs and films and I think of all the like things he would say about them or the way he would sing certain songs. He would have been here helping me plan my wedding to the boyfriend, The boyfriend and Stu never even got to meet. He would be up there standing next to me on my wedding day. But he gets none of that because someone decided that he didn't deserve it and it breaks my heart all the time.
That's the reason why I find it so difficult to put things off that’s why when and know I want something I try to make it happen because I know you can't count on tomorrow. Because I know what it's like to have family and I know what it's like when that is taken away. Lots of times in my life and been tough and unfair and sometimes it's difficult to see the light and which way to go forward. But you have to for the people that never got the chance.
Love
Simone
xxxx
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