So as you can probably tell from my posts and my tweets things aren't really going to plan...
The boyfriend came home from work the other day and said you know you want to go to university well I think I want to go too. He wants to go to be able to provide for our future family. This is great he finds it hard to do things day after day and could never find a reason good enough to stick at studying for 3 but now he has and it's a lovely one.
So we looked at uni's that do courses we both want and we found 10, even better so we emailed them and are waiting for replies. It's more likely that we'll start next year and not this year. Although we would love to start this year. So the gives us at most about a year and a half at most and at least 5 months.
Then we talked about the fact that we can't stand living with his Mum any more and how we need our own space so second priority is moving out! This all sounds amazing.... but wait a second what about getting married....
The boyfriend got all silent... He explained that we would either have to do it super cheap and just get married or we wait. I freeze and think about this if we don't start until next year, then both our uni courses are 4 years, then we have to find jobs and a home, do that home up and then get married well that means that it could be 6 or 7 years before we get married....
So I squeak what about all this planning and dreaming and hard work I have already put into this wedding? He just looks at me and says sorry. I'm crushed and heart broken. I am also trying to think of every possible way to plan a wedding super cheap that is still amazing and I just can't I have no connections or support system I'm totally lost.
I have always dreamed of going to uni and becoming a teacher and it's amazing that I'm going to get to do that with my best friend/boyfriend but I've been dreaming of getting married a lot longer and put more thought into it and it's really hurting to let it go. I still keep thinking we'll find a way but it is looking impossible.
It's also causing a lot or resentment and fighting between us because he's just OK about waiting and doesn't seem to understand that as well as being something to do it's also a huge amount of what I write about on here and twitter and I love the community on here but without the wedding how to I really fit into that community. It also feels like when we lost the baby all over again. So I'm all over the place at the moment but if you know a fairy godmother please let me know.