Yesterday while the boyfriend was at work I sat down and really broke down what was bothering me. It turned out the problem is I’m a sum of other peoples dreams, my Mother wanted be to be cool and popular like her but good at drawing because she wasn’t and to travel the world because when she was young she did for a bit. My Father wanted me to be intelligent, edgy, and open minded, not be one of the cool kids, he wanted me to go to university because he couldn’t. They both wanted me to change the world I don’t mean just leave a mark I mean they really wanted me to make a difference. So my parents did things like send me to a good school away from our home (this led to not having many friends out of school), Make me try every extreme sport there is and tell me that having everything and doing everything was the only way to have a fulfilling life.
This caused pressure to be everything for everyone, when I was young a teacher once told my parents that my handwriting was to big, I said in a big voice for a girl of 5, I am big, I have big hair and I write big. My teacher told my Dad that she thought they might have a future prime minister on their hands. Although this is a joke in our family even now a part of my father is still disappointed that the daughter that he dreamed I would be at 5 never really happened. I slowly achieved less and less in school. Started to put on weight, and lost that confidence and boldness I once possessed. Started hanging out with the kids that wanted to be future poets, musicians and artists in other words the outcasts and the shy. I fitted in I found out I could draw and that music could fill the void of silence and shadows.
Started relationships from the age of 13 and that was that my dad gave up and said well I guess now you’ll only ever be a mother. It hurt but to be honest I have always wanted to be a mum, I’m not and that’s through choice but that is my biggest dream but it didn’t match up to everyone else’s dreams. So that’s the problem, I left home at 17 to move in with my boyfriend, got engaged at 18 and he’s only just got a job and I still don’t have one, I didn’t go to university and I’m not on my way to making a difference. Not only doesn’t this leave my parents feeling disappointed it also leaves me felling like I’ve never done enough that my life will never be as good as I was told it could be, which means I’m unable to see the beauty and the magic in the simple and everyday. That’s wrong and I’m now on the way to changing that for myself. Anyone who feels like their not enough just think the person that makes you feel that way probably isn’t enough for someone else and that’s why they make you feel that way and anyway they’re not the sort of person you need in your life.
Song For Today: Dream – Priscilla Ahn