Sunday, 17 October 2010

I've got the ache....

The baby ache that is.

I'm only 20 years old but I have wanted a baby more importantly to be a mum since I was about 12, yes I know its crazy and I also knew at that age that I would be a terrible mother unable to support a child. I maybe crazy in my desire but I know that it is a huge responsibility.

Then last year I was pregnant and had a miscarriage there was nothing I or anyone else could have done, but at 12 weeks I lost my baby that I wanted so bad and it darned near killed me! The boyfriend dealt with it differently to me as I imagen most couples do I felt like a part of me was missing like everyday I got up and something wasn't right.

That feeling slowly reduced in time but some times it strikes but what happens everyday now is this over wellming want of a child of a family.

I work in a very busy mall at the moment and I see babies and pregnant woman and as they pass me I get the ache in my whole body that just wants a baby its totally crazy.

I doesn't help that my manager that's the same age as me is pregnant and keeps showing me all her baby stuff....

When I told the boyfriend he said, I know you want this but what could we give a child now? And I know he is totally right.but I wish someone would tell my body that its not time because if I have to go through the next 6 to 8 years with this feeling every time I see a baby or pregnant woman I might go mad!

Also I have these dreams that I'm pregnant or have had a baby and they feel so unbelievably real that when I wake up and there's no baby I'm totally confused and then as I realise this feeling of sadness sinks wish I could change my bodies mind.

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  1. This resonates with me, I felt the same way when I was 20 and my boyfriend and I had been together since I was 16. We split when i was 22, because after I fell pregnant and he told me to get rid of it I realised that i wasn't ready to be a single parent, and that I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. I wanted the baby though. A pretty hard time was had and I had to come to terms with the decision I made... and I punished myself for a very long time. Then I grew and learnt from it and moved on, and now I am 29 just married a wonderful man and I am pregnant. The timing is right, I have travelled the world and done so much with my twenties that I couldn't have imagined having a baby any sooner.

    Age is just a number, you feel the longing for a baby now but focus on your wedding and throw yourself into the planning process to keep your mind busy. In time you will realise there will be plenty of time to have a baby and that everything happens for a reason!

    Keep your chin up and allow yourself the time to move on from losing a precious baby, you will be just fine, your heart will learn to cope xx

  2. Thank you so much for your comment & your advice I your right just wish someone could tell my body. It's inspiring to see you got over that and how amazing your doing. By the way I love your posts over on rock my wedding congratulations on your wedding you looked amazing and congratulations with your pregnancy


  3. Thank you, It is endearing to read such honesty in blogs. Some people are too concerned with trying to be subjective and 'sit on the fence'.

    Perhaps you'll do a me and be a pregnant bride :o) (although I would urge anyone to wait until after the wedding!)

    I love your blog xx