I know this blog is sometimes a mix of all different topics but today is going to be an odd one it is very personal to me and isn’t an easy topic…
I have a huge fear of death, not just your ordinary I don’t want to die an actual when I think about it I can’t breath fear. This is called Thanatophobia. This isn’t a recent addition to my fear list either I have been afraid of death since I was maybe 6 or 7. I would beg my Mum before I go to bed not to leave me and not to die; no one knows why I did it. I would have nightmares about being dead I would also have nightmares about being in a car and not knowing how to drive it from an early age where I would wake just before the crash. (Which points to loss of or feeling out of control, but at 7 how much control of your life can you really expect.) I am afraid of double-decker buses, fast trains, going fast in cars and airplanes all for fear of dying and again I have been afraid of these things since I was in primary school.
I am not one of those people that longs to be young forever, the peter pan syndrome some call it. I would happily grow old with the boyfriend and have a family and reach my goals, it is more the actual being dead part, or more the not being able to come back.
My first really full on panic attack about death was when I was 16 I was sitting on the edge of the bath waiting for the shower to warm up and it hit me this life doesn’t last forever one day I will die. I sat there unable to breath feeling dizzy and powerless to what is the inevitable. When I was young I believed in God without a doubt I knew there was a haven and I knew there was a life after this one; But I also believed in Father Christmas… Now as an adult who believes in science and knows more about life I struggle with religion. I want so much to hand my life to someone else, to believe in something bigger than me, that someone has a plan for each of us, that we are not all merely coincidence but I find it difficult. I fear the unknown I do not like surprises and death is the most unknown thing of all.
It’s a fear I will have to struggle with everyday after all the circumstances won’t change but this fear sometimes could get in the way of living the life I have. Do you know what makes it even worse? Some people take lives selfishly. I have experience of a friends life being taken and the thought of that person who was kind and clever only getting one life, one chance and it got taken away by someone who still gets to have theirs well it really doesn’t sit well with me.
Two things make this fear manageable one is that I’m realistic, I hope for a heaven but if there is not one I will have lived my life knowing you only get one shot. The second is that know one else knows either an afterlife has not been proved or disproved it might still be there.
So I will leave you with two things I have to think of when these thoughts come to mind and I start to panic the first is something I read on the internet while searching about fear of death. That if you were to play chess over and over again, the games would eventually be repeated, it’s just how it works out there are only so many moves. Maybe this happens with life maybe one day it will all get repeated again although if it does I’d like not to have this fear the second time round…
The second is from one of the Harry Potter books (childish but I’ve never forgotten it) “To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” Albus Dumbledore. Please let me know if you have ever had this feeling it would help to know I’m not the only one or if you fear anything else.
Sorry it’s not very uplifting I’ll blog about something better later.