This is will be honest and raw. This will probably end up sounding like a rant or like I'm a crazy person. But I don't have any friends, that is not me feeling sorry for myself it's a fact. We all moved away from each other and my bestfriend in the whole world is no longer with us. So in times when the anger and pain get to that point where you feel you could scream, like you could pull your own hair out, I don't have anyone to vent to. So I'm using this space my only space in which to do this.
My boyfriend sucks. Not all the time but recently he does often. When planning Christmas this year I told my family that I would not be getting them anything big they would receive a tin of chocolates and a bottle of wine per couple. My reason for this was that in the 3 & a half years that I have been with my boyfriend we never really did Christmas one of us was always unemployed. My family decided they would all give this as gifts for different reasons. I had also discussed this with the boyfriend and he said, yeah sounds good. So when I got paid in November the first thing I did at midnight as soon as I got paid, was order the boyfriend a brand new xbox along with this I got him other gifts but it was all ordered then and there, he was most important everyone else could go jump. Then he got paid and well he had said he was going to do the same for me, but the first thing he did when he got paid was sort out his presents for his Mum, Brother and Sister-in-Law. This hurt but I get on with it, didn't mention it. He did get gig tickets for us to see a band I really like but he had to be pushed into ordering them. (I didn't want them to sell out)
Then as we got closer to Christmas he got me some DVDs and he kept saying I still had £100 to spend I just had to figure out what I wanted. I told him in the end and as we got even closer to Christmas £100 went to £60 that's fine the money isn't what matters it's the thought. Then as we got really close to Christmas he had no money... none. He said he'd get me something really great after Christmas, but to be honest I didn't want anything, I wanted to be put first, for him to have made sure he got me sorted first like I did for him. It was Christmas I let it go didn't bring it up.
Then after Christmas he owed me money, we got a laptop, I got a kindle and he said he would pay for that to make up as a Christmas present, with the new laptop he downloaded games to play I lent him the money and he was going to pay me back. I also got my new engagement ring as I was getting fed up of waiting for him to get it and I had the money, also it was in the sale 25% off. He said he would give me the money. Then when he gets paid he can't afford to pay me all the money back, he owes his Mum and Brother money. So I say fine I could do with being paid back a bit at a time having lost my job I would probably spend it all. But I'm a bit mad. So he paid me for the laptop, he used the money from selling his old xbox to pay for the kindle, he was going to pay me for the PC games and he would have to owe me for the ring. But then he realised with the money he owed everyone else I wouldn't be able to pay for us to get to the gig he had got me tickets for... so I said why don't you pay for the night out for the gig and owe me the money for the games. (we never go out never!) But he still owed his Brother money and when did he chose to bring this up, the night before I went to my friends 21st, he let me know by saying,
BF: "How much do you think you'll spend tomorrow?"
Me: "I don't know why?"
BF: "Oh, no reason"
(nothing said for a bit)
BF: "It's just I still owe my brother some money and I don't have enough"
Me: "Oh right well I don't know how much it will cost but I never go out I just thought I'd enjoy myself."
BF: "oh yeah, I mean have a good time, don't worry about I wasn't asking for the money..."
So I did go out but had money left over so lent it to him. He paid his brother. Then about a week ago he said can you remind me to stop LoveFilm, (he got a free months worth which i told him not to do, because he did it before and ended up owing £100) So last night I said to him are we eating out on Thursday, (Christmas present gig night) He said we'll eat before we go and if I could fill up a bottle of water to bring with me...
I could have cried I said how we never go out together, and how I go out about once a year in general (the whole having no friends thing) how I'm pissed that we can't even eat out and I have to take my own water is not on and that I'm fed up of being over looked by him. He said sorry (not really much will change this now) I left it he did something else and then later I asked him if he stopped LoveFilm he said he had left it too late, it would have to be next month now. I tried to make his see how stupid this is that he always owes someone money, how rubbish it is that I always have to bail him out and got nothing as a reply. Not even a sorry. I got such a headache I got in bed so did he and he didn't say anything. Then this morning he woke me to make his lunch like every morning still not a sorry and I have been stewing all day and I think I'm at my breaking point.
It's not feeling very much like 50/50, It feels a lot like I'm caring and thinking and putting him and us first and he is putting the rest of his world and himself first. Also to top it all off we have been engaged for 2 years and last night watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, I thought why are we no where towards getting married. Money is a factor sure but I'd be happy to get married just me and him and a Priest so why are we not even talking anything wedding. How is our love and want for a marriage (not a wedding, marriage) not making this a priority?
And that's when it all gets scary... Am I in this more than him?