This is when I think best in the dark in the silence. Today was my last shift at my retail job and hopefully I will never have to work in retail again. It is hard tiring work and its the only type full time work I have done. I love people what they do, say or the way they act. People surprise and inspire me. But this love and need for knowledge can be slightly crushed when you work in retail. People shopping is not us at our best or even or most interesting it is us being rude and in a rush. Any way I'm getting off topic...
This time last year I was probably doing the same thing at this time of night sitting in the darkness thinking. I didn't know it but I was about to have a break down. People I worked with were mean and the customers were rude. I had or was just getting over swine flu. The boyfriend didn't have a job. We had lost our baby. I had stopped talking to everyone. The boyfriend in a few weeks time last year would have been holding my hand on the way to the doctors where I would be put on anti-depressants.
So I was in the depths of depression. Sharing a broken single bed with the boyfriend. I would look out the window and watch the stars because when you hit bottom and you've got nothing all you can do is wish. I would wish and pray. I would ask for the boyfriend to get a job; for my soul and body not to hurt any more; for the loss of the baby to bring us closer and not rip us apart; for us to some how to get closer to our dreams so we wouldn't have to work at jobs that made us feel worthless; for us to have some friends so we would have someone else to talk to.
One year on and that really all it is maybe even to the day, we have a king-size bed. The boyfriend has a job he likes when he was ill a couple of weeks ago he still really wanted to go in even though he was so sick they would have sent him home. I'm about to get a job with amazing money that is so close and a great step to my dream job. I'm happy really happy with just the simple things like having a great cuddle with the boyfriend or having a really great dinner together this was lost on me last year. I still ache when I see babies or pregnant women but to get through that together has made us so strong. Yes I'd love a baby when its time but right now it would just be a replacement for what I lost and a child should never have to be anything than its self. It would never fill the hole anyway but it shouldn't have to. I have met loads of people through my sister and through work, but I've also got closer to my old friends and so has the boyfriend.
So I don't care if it was the wishing on stars, the prayers, luck or fight and drive but we have made it together just us two. I'm the most grateful person to be here, happy, healthy and in love. I so amazed out how far we have come and excited at what could come next.
A very honest and sleepy
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.4