We have each other...

Saturday night I spent 50 minuets on the phone to my big Sister the only member of my family I could not live without.

We discussed our family and how we wished more than anything that we had the kind of Mother you could go to when the world was falling down around you... we do not however have anyone like that. This made me sad and what made me sadder still was thinking of all the 'friendships' that I have tried so hard to keep. All the emails, texts and phone called I sent and dialled only to receive no reply or call back. All those times I worried, hugged, went out of my way and fixed things for others, family members and friends and received nothing in return.

My family don't believe my wedding day should be an event because they care and think I'm worth it they think it should be an event because it makes our family look good to other people.

But some day long ago I met a boy,
that boy grew into a friend,
that friend grew into a boyfriend
and that boyfriend grew into a man,
I love that man very much,
and that man became my best friend.

He has loved me through fat times, ugly times, screaming times, crying times. He sat all night and watched me sleep while I lost our baby so when I woke up I was never alone. He told me my job we're fools for letting me go, he told me I deserved to go to uni, he takes days off work when I'm sick, he brings the junk food home on sad days, when I'm in depression he makes me talk and go to the doctors, when I can't face another day when I've been put down once again, when family show no love and friends show no kindness and we have no money and live in one room, and I look at him and say I've had enough, let me go I can't do this any more. He says he loves me, he needs me and that the days that are good are so good the bad days should be got through to get to them. He gives me a reason to live, to love and be happy.

So today I got a an interview, tomorrow hopefully I'll get the job, our jobs will pay rent for our very own 1 bedroom flat. In that flat we will plan our very small wedding where we will get ready in the morning together and go hand in hand to the church, where the people that don't believe this will work will be but we won't see them. Because I'll only be looking at him, the man I love, my best friend, he will be my husband and I his wife. We will leave the church as if no one else exists and jump on a train to Paris to get away from the mean people as we celebrate that fact we now have the family I have always dreamed of and one day we will raise children with love but for now some days are better than any fairytale, but on the days it's not we have each other.

Love
Simone
xxxx

When you wish upon a star your dreams come true....

I am sitting in bed at one in the morning the boyfriend is sleeping peacefully next to me as it is a Friday which means no horrible alarms to snap us from dreaming tomorrow morning. I can't sleep so I'm sitting in the dark listening to him breath and thinking.

This is when I think best in the dark in the silence. Today was my last shift at my retail job and hopefully I will never have to work in retail again. It is hard tiring work and its the only type full time work I have done. I love people what they do, say or the way they act. People surprise and inspire me. But this love and need for knowledge can be slightly crushed when you work in retail. People shopping is not us at our best or even or most interesting it is us being rude and in a rush. Any way I'm getting off topic...

This time last year I was probably doing the same thing at this time of night sitting in the darkness thinking. I didn't know it but I was about to have a break down. People I worked with were mean and the customers were rude. I had or was just getting over swine flu. The boyfriend didn't have a job. We had lost our baby. I had stopped talking to everyone. The boyfriend in a few weeks time last year would have been holding my hand on the way to the doctors where I would be put on anti-depressants.

So I was in the depths of depression. Sharing a broken single bed with the boyfriend. I would look out the window and watch the stars because when you hit bottom and you've got nothing all you can do is wish. I would wish and pray. I would ask for the boyfriend to get a job; for my soul and body not to hurt any more; for the loss of the baby to bring us closer and not rip us apart; for us to some how to get closer to our dreams so we wouldn't have to work at jobs that made us feel worthless; for us to have some friends so we would have someone else to talk to.

One year on and that really all it is maybe even to the day, we have a king-size bed. The boyfriend has a job he likes when he was ill a couple of weeks ago he still really wanted to go in even though he was so sick they would have sent him home. I'm about to get a job with amazing money that is so close and a great step to my dream job. I'm happy really happy with just the simple things like having a great cuddle with the boyfriend or having a really great dinner together this was lost on me last year. I still ache when I see babies or pregnant women but to get through that together has made us so strong. Yes I'd love a baby when its time but right now it would just be a replacement for what I lost and a child should never have to be anything than its self. It would never fill the hole anyway but it shouldn't have to. I have met loads of people through my sister and through work, but I've also got closer to my old friends and so has the boyfriend.

So I don't care if it was the wishing on stars, the prayers, luck or fight and drive but we have made it together just us two. I'm the most grateful person to be here, happy, healthy and in love. I so amazed out how far we have come and excited at what could come next.

Love
A very honest and sleepy
Simone
xxxx

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I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do, Or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me...

My how things can change in such a sort amount of time. It really is all about being in the right place at the right time.

You know when your at school and your parents and teachers tell you to decide what you want to be, where your life will go and what subjects you need to get there. Well I was a special case from a really young age I knew that I wanted to be a teacher. I always wanted to make a difference, change someone’s life or even the change the whole world. I knew I could never do that being a doctor or a nurse because I faint at the sight of a nosebleed. I couldn’t write a book or a song that touched someone’s heart and made him or her remember what life is all about, lord knows I tried. But if you see me with people of any age they open up and become comfortable with me, people tend to want to tell me everything first time they meet me. And you know that crying child at the supermarket/shopping mall/on the bus, I’m the person they look at and instantly stop crying and look interested. Apparently it’s something to do with my face and body language. Everyone always says I look like someone they know (I mean I’m told daily). From the age of about 8 years old I could hold my own in a conversation with a group of adults, and could always make friends with people my own age. I make friends everywhere, I find it so hard to be mean to people even if their mean to me, and I always prefer to give rather than get. I don’t mean to sound big headed this is just what people tell me constantly.

The reason I tell you this is that I didn’t really do very well at school so I decided I would have to get experience doing what I love, my work experience at the age of 15 was as a teaching assistant at a school for children with disabilities and learning difficulties. I went on a gap year where I gave a year to working with children and young adults aged 10 – 18 years old. Even with all this experience its very difficult to get a job with people without a qualification and I knew that I couldn’t afford university even though my absolute dream job would be to be a primary school teacher. Then last year I did a course to teach in the life long learning sector, which allows me to teach anything after compulsory education so after age 18, even though I’m only 20.

I was then sent on a course by the job centre where they teach people to find work. While there the person that ran my course looked at my C.V. and was shocked by my experience and new qualification, which lead to them telling me they had a job vacancy teaching the course I was currently on. So I applied not thinking it would get me anywhere as I’m 20 and they teach up to the age of 24. Also the money is amazing for someone of my age and it was more than I could ever hope for.

Well I am now due to start in less that 4 weeks time! Which means over time I can pay to train part time as a primary school teacher!!! Start planning a very small wedding and start to look at renting a flat.

I’d just like to say to all the people that said I couldn’t do it, even to my Mother who told me just to be a hair dresser, that I can do it! (see last post) And I have, with the support from the boyfriend.

Much excitement
And Love
S
xxxx

Song for today – I Don't Wanna Be - Gavin DeGraw
(Yes I know One Tree Hill but listen to the lyrics lol)