So recently life has handed me rubbish and for a while I was down about it, but it takes so much damn energy, so I let it go.
And the boyfriend and I weren't doing so great and led me to rants like this, but that takes a lot of energy too so I came out and I told him... everything. Even that although I love him if I'm not happy then I'm not going to try so hard and stay when he isn't. We talked, he explained I never let on that things are wrong. I told him that he needs to work harder and grow up and we're talking it a step at a time. But he didn't run he cared enough to talk, to try, to not just walk away. This is huge in my life I've experienced a lot of walking away of people realising that they can't be bothered.
Through all the rubbish and the crap and the fights, even when we shout at each other that we're leaving (I don't do this any more and the boyfriend is going to stop, it's a dangerous game) that for a year now neither of us has moved away or walked off, it was never meant to spell the end. I've never had that before. I trust him to tell me the truth and I know in my heart and head that we'll still be needing and loving each other years from now. We're young this is all new and it's much tougher than I thought.
But I still find him amazing, he's smart, kind and so funny and sometimes I don't see these things because I'm too busy being mad at everyone and everything. Sometimes I think what does he see in me why is he still in this. We are not a very touchy feeling in front of people couple. We don't do loads of making out, we cuddle and share interests and discuss things we feel strongly about. So some times it can feel, is this just a really great friendship and we're kidding ourselves. Then last night as he played on the laptop he looked up to see me crossed legged in the middle of the bed eating a whole tub of lemon sorbet and reading Miss Manners on my kindle and I saw him smile, like he did when were first together. That was bliss.
When you have someone who tells you everything you need with a look. That feels like home. That you trust. Well that's worth the odd childish fight because for everything I say here about him I'm sure he'd love to tell you all his side once in a while. (thank God he doesn't read my blog or he might offer lol) Because the great moments would never be as good if you didn't have to fight for them.