We arrived at the hospital to find my Nanny sitting outside with her friend smoking (she does that alot) My Mum and I ran to hug her, we stood together in tears. Finially we broke apart and sat on a bench. She told us that he had come out of sedation early in the morning, she had been sitting with him talking, his mouth kept getting dry so she kept wetting it for him. Nurses kept coming in and asking if she wanted anything and if she thought of anything she wanted then she was to ring the buzzer instead of leaving the room. She didn't understand what they were not telling her. His breathing became different she was close by him, someone knocked on the door and as she looked back round he had gone... he was at peace... he had taken his last breath.
She sat with him a long time on her own then once she was ready she left. My Mum, Dad and Granddad's Sisters had all decided to see him again. I couldn't... I couldn't face it. The last time I had seen him was lovely even if I hadn't expected for it to be the last time I saw him. There was a small room in the hospital where my Nanny, Mum, Granddad's Sisters and I sat while my Dad sorted getting My Granddads things together. I just kept thinking how lucky we were that we had felt the need to go up there on the Saturday and not wait till the Sunday. Everyone kept telling me how he had waited to see me and the amazing bond we had always had. They we're trying to be nice but it just reminded me of how much I love him and how much he had loved me and now he was gone. Gone how is that even possible. Someone who has been here my whole life that played such a part in the person I am is no longer around.
They decided to go to the pub over the road as they all needed a drink... I do not drink for many reasons I espically don't drink around times like these. They kept talking of the memories and the good times and I played along but in side I was broken and craving to be alone. Finially My Granddads Sisters went home and we took my Nanny home. How do you face the house you shared with the love of your life when you have just lost them. How is that possible, she was so strong and brave, I am in awe.
I looked over the little bungalow in a new way now, seeing his shoes and gardening hat where he had left them. Seeing all his faviourite food that would have to be cleared out at some point soon so Nanny could continue with her new unexpected life. She gave my Dad Granddads guitar and she showed me where he now kept the hidden chocolate and gave it to me. I hope that at some point I will get something cherished by my Granddad to keep as well. There was a breif mention of a funeral, but it was to soon for all that yet now there was just this great loss.
We packed up our things in the car, took one last look at my Granddads home, said goodbye and hugged my Nanny and we got in the car to come home. The car is silent the whole way home, I listened to my fighting back tears.
In the week since then I have struggled and cried with a million emotions. The funeral is on Monday and I struggling to deal with this all in my mind it's even harder to find the words.
I hope you understand the lack of posts.
Love
Simone
xxxx
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Monday, 9 May 2011
Visting and passing...
We we're meant to leave early Saturday morning to see my Grandad who is in hospital, he has cancer and now has liver failure and only 4 months to live. He asked to see me so my Mum and Dad drove me up Saturday morning so we could be with him by the afternoon. We called my Nanny to make sure it was still OK she said Granddad's Sisters are coming up (he never liked them) and it might be a bit much all at once could we come on Sunday we said yes. Then we decided that we need to go now even if we couldn't see him for long. We arranged with my Nanny to stay at her bungalow because she was staying at the hospital. That on the Saturday we would just pick up the key to their home and see him on the Sunday.
So off we went just the three of us, strange because when I was little we always went on holidays in this country we went to Butlins when I was really small, as I got old we got a caravan and would go to Dorset and Cornwall so the drive brought back happy memories for us all. It was so nice but sort of unreal.
We finally arrived at Dorset County Hospital which is huge, but a beautiful building and so still and quiet. My Dad already bee up on Thursday so knew where the room was and what to expect. I had been warned by my eldest Sister and my Boyfriend that he would look different. My Grandad a huge man over 6 feet tall with size 12 shoes, in my mind I always see him as the man that played squash with my Dad every Saturday. As we got to his room it had a large window and all you could see was a room was filled with people. Slowly people came out to let us in. I had to take a breath and hold back tears. My giant strong Grandad looked so little and tired. He was so thin, he had his pajama top open as it was so hot, he had no muscle left in his arms or chest and he looked exhausted. He very slowly looked up at me with his heavy eyes that were usually so warm and twinkly, they we're yellowing from the liver failure. I held his had and he said very softly and slowly in his light Dorset accent "Hello Love" how he had always greeted me and I said hello back. We looked at each other a while...
"I love you Grandad, I love you so much" I whispered
"I love you very much too" he replied at the same volume.
"I'm not very well love"
"I know Grandad I know"
"It got worse than it meant to this time sorry" he smiled at me
I had ran out of words and I was scared to hug him properly because of the tubes and things I put my head on his chest and he kissed my head. I still held those tears in. My Mum and Dad said hello and Dad sorted all of Grandad tubes and pillow being the only person big enough to support him. Then we had tea with my Nanny who was being so brave, to let his Sisters have some time with him. When we came back his Sisters informed us they we're now staying the night that they would be back in the morning but they we're going to leave us to have some time with him. So everyone left apart from My Dad and I. My Dad the only one of my Grandads 4 children that has a real relationship with him and me the only Grandchild he has ever spent any time with. We told him that we are going to the rugby finial together at the end of the month, (more on this later) I showed him my engagement ring which he said was beautiful (later he would ask my Mum if the boyfriend was good enough for me) he showed me his ring a watch that he has been wearing since I was tiny. I told him about going to uni and my new job.
We got him full fat milk the only he wanted, he wouldn't eat anything. He had to have his milk in a plastic cup with a handle and he shook uncontrollably while trying to drink it but wouldn't let anyone help. My Mum and Nanny came back and we sat together talking, and my Grandad fell asleep snoring so loudly like he used to in an armchair after all the dinners we had as a family over the years. He woke after 10 minuets and we said we would go to let him rest I went to him held his hand.
"I'll be back tomorrow Grandad"
"Will you take some pictures of my garden and allotment for me?"
"of course I will I'll bring them tomorrow. I love you so much your the best Grandad."
"I love you too." and he squeezed my had so tight I squeezed back and we said goodbye.
We arrived at my grandparents home to find all the furniture that have always had it was like going back in time. Money a neighbour owed them o just out on the doorstep all doors and sheds unlocked, this is the type of village they live in. We went to the local pub where there was a wedding reception being held and it made us feel like gate crashers. We sat in the corner quietly discussing how frail and tired my Granddad looked. I mentioned how I horrible it would be to see him have to live like that for four months. We went back to the bungalow where I Dad played my Dad sat in my Granddads chair and played his guitar, my Granddad had said he could have it. It's a left handed guitar they're the only leftys in our family. The sound of slow strumming haunting in the silent house, make me and Mum well up. We looked around the place at all the memories and gifts we had given. My Dad said he wondered where my Granddad now kept his secret chocolate stash he had always hidden it we don't really know why, we didn't look not wanting to spy. Mum went to sleep early me and my Dad sat up till 1 am talking about everything, he answered questions, we are bad sleepers it's a family thing my Granddad is too. We Finally gave in I made my bed out of chair cushions like always used to at my grandparents no matter what house they lived in. But normally my Granddad would be helping me not my Dad. After 2am I drifted off
Mum woke at 6 but I had already been awake I just hadn't moved. We had tea I put the living back how it should be. When Dad finally woke we got a message from Nanny saying they had, had to sedate Granddad at 4am he was restless and kept saying something didn't feel right, not in pain just not right. We got dressed and showered and then my Dad took me to see my Granddad allotment which was amazing. Potatoes enough to feed a family for a year, rhubarb, cabbage, spring onions, apple trees, peas, many fruits I was in awe of all the amazing work my Granddad had done, he grew enough that he gave it to neighbours. I was running round taking pictures of everything like he had asked me to. I was in the back garden taking pictures of the peonies he had grown when my Mum asked me to come in. She was being strange making sure the door was closed behind me.
"What's wrong?" I asked
"I'm so sorry Simone, but Granddad has gone."
How is that even possible I'm going to see him again that was the plan I've taken all these photo's to show him. I couldn't (still can't) get in to my head that the last time I saw him was the last time. Tears flooded out this great feeling of loss took my whole body as my family stood in my Granddads living room that he would never return to and that my Nanny would have to face on her own. My Dad went into over drive tell everyone that needed to be told helping and sorting that's my Dad being a rock for everyone else. My Mum told my Sisters and I told the boyfriend who was totally shocked. He took his last breath as I was running around his garden in the sunshine taking photos. We rushed to hospital to see me Nanny. We we're all totally in shock.
I need to break from going through it but I will tell you the rest tomorrow
Love
Simone
xxxx
So off we went just the three of us, strange because when I was little we always went on holidays in this country we went to Butlins when I was really small, as I got old we got a caravan and would go to Dorset and Cornwall so the drive brought back happy memories for us all. It was so nice but sort of unreal.
We finally arrived at Dorset County Hospital which is huge, but a beautiful building and so still and quiet. My Dad already bee up on Thursday so knew where the room was and what to expect. I had been warned by my eldest Sister and my Boyfriend that he would look different. My Grandad a huge man over 6 feet tall with size 12 shoes, in my mind I always see him as the man that played squash with my Dad every Saturday. As we got to his room it had a large window and all you could see was a room was filled with people. Slowly people came out to let us in. I had to take a breath and hold back tears. My giant strong Grandad looked so little and tired. He was so thin, he had his pajama top open as it was so hot, he had no muscle left in his arms or chest and he looked exhausted. He very slowly looked up at me with his heavy eyes that were usually so warm and twinkly, they we're yellowing from the liver failure. I held his had and he said very softly and slowly in his light Dorset accent "Hello Love" how he had always greeted me and I said hello back. We looked at each other a while...
"I love you Grandad, I love you so much" I whispered
"I love you very much too" he replied at the same volume.
"I'm not very well love"
"I know Grandad I know"
"It got worse than it meant to this time sorry" he smiled at me
I had ran out of words and I was scared to hug him properly because of the tubes and things I put my head on his chest and he kissed my head. I still held those tears in. My Mum and Dad said hello and Dad sorted all of Grandad tubes and pillow being the only person big enough to support him. Then we had tea with my Nanny who was being so brave, to let his Sisters have some time with him. When we came back his Sisters informed us they we're now staying the night that they would be back in the morning but they we're going to leave us to have some time with him. So everyone left apart from My Dad and I. My Dad the only one of my Grandads 4 children that has a real relationship with him and me the only Grandchild he has ever spent any time with. We told him that we are going to the rugby finial together at the end of the month, (more on this later) I showed him my engagement ring which he said was beautiful (later he would ask my Mum if the boyfriend was good enough for me) he showed me his ring a watch that he has been wearing since I was tiny. I told him about going to uni and my new job.
We got him full fat milk the only he wanted, he wouldn't eat anything. He had to have his milk in a plastic cup with a handle and he shook uncontrollably while trying to drink it but wouldn't let anyone help. My Mum and Nanny came back and we sat together talking, and my Grandad fell asleep snoring so loudly like he used to in an armchair after all the dinners we had as a family over the years. He woke after 10 minuets and we said we would go to let him rest I went to him held his hand.
"I'll be back tomorrow Grandad"
"Will you take some pictures of my garden and allotment for me?"
"of course I will I'll bring them tomorrow. I love you so much your the best Grandad."
"I love you too." and he squeezed my had so tight I squeezed back and we said goodbye.
We arrived at my grandparents home to find all the furniture that have always had it was like going back in time. Money a neighbour owed them o just out on the doorstep all doors and sheds unlocked, this is the type of village they live in. We went to the local pub where there was a wedding reception being held and it made us feel like gate crashers. We sat in the corner quietly discussing how frail and tired my Granddad looked. I mentioned how I horrible it would be to see him have to live like that for four months. We went back to the bungalow where I Dad played my Dad sat in my Granddads chair and played his guitar, my Granddad had said he could have it. It's a left handed guitar they're the only leftys in our family. The sound of slow strumming haunting in the silent house, make me and Mum well up. We looked around the place at all the memories and gifts we had given. My Dad said he wondered where my Granddad now kept his secret chocolate stash he had always hidden it we don't really know why, we didn't look not wanting to spy. Mum went to sleep early me and my Dad sat up till 1 am talking about everything, he answered questions, we are bad sleepers it's a family thing my Granddad is too. We Finally gave in I made my bed out of chair cushions like always used to at my grandparents no matter what house they lived in. But normally my Granddad would be helping me not my Dad. After 2am I drifted off
Mum woke at 6 but I had already been awake I just hadn't moved. We had tea I put the living back how it should be. When Dad finally woke we got a message from Nanny saying they had, had to sedate Granddad at 4am he was restless and kept saying something didn't feel right, not in pain just not right. We got dressed and showered and then my Dad took me to see my Granddad allotment which was amazing. Potatoes enough to feed a family for a year, rhubarb, cabbage, spring onions, apple trees, peas, many fruits I was in awe of all the amazing work my Granddad had done, he grew enough that he gave it to neighbours. I was running round taking pictures of everything like he had asked me to. I was in the back garden taking pictures of the peonies he had grown when my Mum asked me to come in. She was being strange making sure the door was closed behind me.
"What's wrong?" I asked
"I'm so sorry Simone, but Granddad has gone."
How is that even possible I'm going to see him again that was the plan I've taken all these photo's to show him. I couldn't (still can't) get in to my head that the last time I saw him was the last time. Tears flooded out this great feeling of loss took my whole body as my family stood in my Granddads living room that he would never return to and that my Nanny would have to face on her own. My Dad went into over drive tell everyone that needed to be told helping and sorting that's my Dad being a rock for everyone else. My Mum told my Sisters and I told the boyfriend who was totally shocked. He took his last breath as I was running around his garden in the sunshine taking photos. We rushed to hospital to see me Nanny. We we're all totally in shock.
I need to break from going through it but I will tell you the rest tomorrow
Love
Simone
xxxx
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Grandad Duck
This little pink blog as been a little blue recently and unfortunately this is not about to change, I promise as soon as I get some good news you'll be the first to know.
My Mum text me today asking me to call her it's an emergency which she does a lot so I didn't think anything of it but I did call her. When she answered she told me my Grandad Duck (his first name is Donald) is in hospital. He had cancer last year and he is unwell again. I was upset instantly my Mum told me my Dad is in Dorset now with my Grandad he drove up there this morning. This shocked me my Dad and Grandad have never been all that close. Then I understood my Mum told me my Grandad has been give 4 months to live. Then Mum said very seriously,
"Simone he is very ill but at the moment he is still with it and he would like to see everyone now while can still hug and be happy. We would drive you there on Saturday and see him, you do not have to at all it's completely up to you."
"I want to go, Thank you."
The thing is My Grandad has been married three times. First to my Nan they had my Aunt Susanne and My Dad. Then he married Diane and she has always been a part of my family and they had my uncles David and Geoff. Then he married his now wife my Nan Trish they have been together since before I was born. But he left my Actual Nan when my Dad was 18 months old and didn't see him again until he was 13. Then he left his sons David and Geoff just as they we're becoming teenagers. So the relationship have always been difficult and emotional as you would expect.
But when I was born my parents worked really hard to make my Grandparents parent of my life I have 4 Nans and 3 Grandads everyone was included and it wasn't until I was older that I found out all these issues, everyone was nice for my sake. As a child my Grandad babysat me, taught me how to tie a tie even though I went to an all girls school where we didn't wear them, he taught me how to play chess, we would listen to classical music, he would take me to pantomimes and the dame sat on his lap, we cuddled, he ran me bubble baths, we ate ginger nut biscuits and tea, we went to London, to a monkey enclosure, if I stayed there on a school night he would iron every pleat into my school skirt and because they only had a bungalow I would sleep in with my Nan and he would sleep in the living room or we would set up camp together in the living room. I think I the relationship we have is very different from the relationship anyone else has has with him. I think this meant a lot to him that his son who he could have done better for gave him the chance to be a good grandparent. I love him very much.
On Saturday my parents and I are driving up to see him and I'm frightened because I haven't seen him in a while so he will already look older than I remember and then he will be ill as well and I don't want to walk in and cry but I know he will. He's not even that old. I love my Grandad. The thought of someone that has always been in my life and always been be so close passing away is scary.
Please think of him.
Love
Simone
xxxx
My Mum text me today asking me to call her it's an emergency which she does a lot so I didn't think anything of it but I did call her. When she answered she told me my Grandad Duck (his first name is Donald) is in hospital. He had cancer last year and he is unwell again. I was upset instantly my Mum told me my Dad is in Dorset now with my Grandad he drove up there this morning. This shocked me my Dad and Grandad have never been all that close. Then I understood my Mum told me my Grandad has been give 4 months to live. Then Mum said very seriously,
"Simone he is very ill but at the moment he is still with it and he would like to see everyone now while can still hug and be happy. We would drive you there on Saturday and see him, you do not have to at all it's completely up to you."
"I want to go, Thank you."
The thing is My Grandad has been married three times. First to my Nan they had my Aunt Susanne and My Dad. Then he married Diane and she has always been a part of my family and they had my uncles David and Geoff. Then he married his now wife my Nan Trish they have been together since before I was born. But he left my Actual Nan when my Dad was 18 months old and didn't see him again until he was 13. Then he left his sons David and Geoff just as they we're becoming teenagers. So the relationship have always been difficult and emotional as you would expect.
But when I was born my parents worked really hard to make my Grandparents parent of my life I have 4 Nans and 3 Grandads everyone was included and it wasn't until I was older that I found out all these issues, everyone was nice for my sake. As a child my Grandad babysat me, taught me how to tie a tie even though I went to an all girls school where we didn't wear them, he taught me how to play chess, we would listen to classical music, he would take me to pantomimes and the dame sat on his lap, we cuddled, he ran me bubble baths, we ate ginger nut biscuits and tea, we went to London, to a monkey enclosure, if I stayed there on a school night he would iron every pleat into my school skirt and because they only had a bungalow I would sleep in with my Nan and he would sleep in the living room or we would set up camp together in the living room. I think I the relationship we have is very different from the relationship anyone else has has with him. I think this meant a lot to him that his son who he could have done better for gave him the chance to be a good grandparent. I love him very much.
On Saturday my parents and I are driving up to see him and I'm frightened because I haven't seen him in a while so he will already look older than I remember and then he will be ill as well and I don't want to walk in and cry but I know he will. He's not even that old. I love my Grandad. The thought of someone that has always been in my life and always been be so close passing away is scary.
Please think of him.
Love
Simone
xxxx
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I'm back...
As I said last week I went away to figure some things out well now I'm back and I have glandular fever! I am so ill. My new job is only for 6 weeks and no one told me. I told my Mum what was going on with the boyfriend and she told me I was asking to much of my boyfriend and she understood where he was coming from, That I should go back home because I can't live there because she would end up killing me. I also half of my family have planned to go on holiday for my 21st including my Mum and Dad they're all only going somewhere in this country but didn't think to plan their holidays around my 21st. Oh and on top of everything I asked my boyfriend last night if I could buy a dress (as I don't have money, as I have been unemployed) it was already in the sale and I could have worn it for work and everyday and we have not celebrated me getting a job and he said I could only get it if I found a discount code which I couldn't so no dress! I am generally rather pissed with the way I am being treated and I am fed up of being nice to everyone and get walked over. Things are about to change!
So From and very sick and upset blogger I tell you I will blog when I can at the moment but being is just making me sleep all the time.
Love
Simone
xxxx
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Head or heart...
Love is a funny thing; You find someone for what ever reason and give them everything you have. Your hopes, dreams, feelings, insecurities, heartaches and everything else you can, you trust them. But they're just a person, and people are known for their mistakes. So what's the difference between a mistake and the start of a behaviour you haven't seen yet, between a secret they didn't share but knew about all along?
My Mum says that one burst of violence is not justified for any reason that it will never be just once. But when you think about that idea, that hidden some where, maybe down the line is more violence maybe more serious and then you put that idea in the same thought as someone you love, as someone you gave everything too of someone you made promises and plans with... well it seems ridiculous... but also it is utterly terrifying.
Think about all the ammunition they have, think about how much you might be willing to let them get away with. So for the first time ever I see the reason why adults tell their children they are to young to understand love.
You could go on for years having nothing happen everything could go to plan and this never happens again and you will laugh at the thought of walking away from your love and your future. But what if you stay and you fall more in love and let more slide and become acceptable and you've been in it for longer and you can't get out and you wish more than anything you had taken the heartbreak and life change at 21 instead of at 31.... it's all so confusing... head over heart which one is stronger?
That's why tomorrow I'm going away for a few days to listen to both, not surrounded by my home and all the trinkets of our love it is filled with. This maybe be the toughest thing I have ever had to consider. Again sorry if this is too personal, and if you have any advise comment or email.
Love
Simone
xxxx
My Mum says that one burst of violence is not justified for any reason that it will never be just once. But when you think about that idea, that hidden some where, maybe down the line is more violence maybe more serious and then you put that idea in the same thought as someone you love, as someone you gave everything too of someone you made promises and plans with... well it seems ridiculous... but also it is utterly terrifying.
Think about all the ammunition they have, think about how much you might be willing to let them get away with. So for the first time ever I see the reason why adults tell their children they are to young to understand love.
You could go on for years having nothing happen everything could go to plan and this never happens again and you will laugh at the thought of walking away from your love and your future. But what if you stay and you fall more in love and let more slide and become acceptable and you've been in it for longer and you can't get out and you wish more than anything you had taken the heartbreak and life change at 21 instead of at 31.... it's all so confusing... head over heart which one is stronger?
That's why tomorrow I'm going away for a few days to listen to both, not surrounded by my home and all the trinkets of our love it is filled with. This maybe be the toughest thing I have ever had to consider. Again sorry if this is too personal, and if you have any advise comment or email.
Love
Simone
xxxx
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Worst Blogger...
.... ever!
I'm so sorry I did my whole, it's a brand new blog, everything is going to be different, I have all this amazing stuff for you and then I just disappeared that's just not on. So here's how it went down.... (It goes on to be about a fight between me and my boyfriend that turns bad, I'm writing this more for me than for people to read, I totally understand if you skip today's post and I'll be back tomorrow with more usual posts, Thank you)
On Tuesday I went for an interview at a recycling centre to be the person you call up and complain to and I was truly very happy because I have a job. So I called everyone and got all excited and then the boyfriend comes home and tells me he's sick... so there is no celebrating no excitement and I go to bed and 8.30pm. Yeah was not a happy person.
Wednesday I bottle up how irritated I am that the person I love didn't really care I got my new job after how long I have been applying and been getting rejected. I make his lunch, I iron his clothes, I make sure he has medicine for his cold, I clean our room and I unpack the dishwasher. When he gets home he is in a crap mood again. I get it his ill but he comes in and he's rude and he is having a strop that he has to take the washing up while I'm making him coffee then he dumps it on the bed instead of putting it away and starts reading without asking how my day was or how I am or telling me how he is. Now I'm steaming and it all comes out in one long stream of words...
"I got my job you weren't even happy for me, you didn't offer to celebrate, all I do it tidy up after everyone and no one even says thank you, you treat me more like a slave than a girlfriend, you never talk to me, we discussed you doing more at the weekend around the house ans here you are not doing anything again, your direct debit that you said would come out of my account once is coming out monthly and I don't have a job so now I'm £160 overdrawn on my account so when I do get paid I won't get any of it because it will pay off your debt!"
Yeah I really went for it like you wouldn't believe I'm crying and then he is shouting...
"I was happy but I was sick, We don't have money to celebrate, (we do for game rental though) I get games because I work and it's my money, Why should I have to tidy up I'm sick and have been at work all day, I didn't know the money was still coming out of your account I'll pay it off when I can."
Then it got more and more heated until he started pointing right in my face and looked like he wanted to kill me... and then it was so quick I don't really remember how it happened but I got hit in the face... hard. I thought he punched me but I'm not sure and he said he didn't. I pushed him back out of pure shock and cried loads, in all of this the leg on out bed broke of and I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. My jaw felt so heavy and my jaw is still locking up all the time. I eventually came out and we worked on fixing the bed, he cried and said sorry although he did not punch me and I put on a smile like I always do and said "I'm fine".
So this week has been difficult I'm still at home, more for the fact I have no where else to go and I'm still not sure how I feel about this, It felt like it happened to someone else. There is no one I can tell as my parents would say you made your bed lay in it. My sisters are busy and my friends live miles away. My jaw aches and he said sorry loads of times.
Any way I'm OK and I just needed somewhere that I could get this off my mind and to explain why I couldn't get my brain together to post last week. I don't really know where it goes from here this has happened once before and I think twice might be one to many for me. If you have been in this situation before please let me have any advice you've got email me if you don't want to comment. I feel so silly that I'm making such a huge deal of this when some women go through much worse.
Sorry for the over information, over sharing post.
Love
Simone
I'm so sorry I did my whole, it's a brand new blog, everything is going to be different, I have all this amazing stuff for you and then I just disappeared that's just not on. So here's how it went down.... (It goes on to be about a fight between me and my boyfriend that turns bad, I'm writing this more for me than for people to read, I totally understand if you skip today's post and I'll be back tomorrow with more usual posts, Thank you)
On Tuesday I went for an interview at a recycling centre to be the person you call up and complain to and I was truly very happy because I have a job. So I called everyone and got all excited and then the boyfriend comes home and tells me he's sick... so there is no celebrating no excitement and I go to bed and 8.30pm. Yeah was not a happy person.
Wednesday I bottle up how irritated I am that the person I love didn't really care I got my new job after how long I have been applying and been getting rejected. I make his lunch, I iron his clothes, I make sure he has medicine for his cold, I clean our room and I unpack the dishwasher. When he gets home he is in a crap mood again. I get it his ill but he comes in and he's rude and he is having a strop that he has to take the washing up while I'm making him coffee then he dumps it on the bed instead of putting it away and starts reading without asking how my day was or how I am or telling me how he is. Now I'm steaming and it all comes out in one long stream of words...
"I got my job you weren't even happy for me, you didn't offer to celebrate, all I do it tidy up after everyone and no one even says thank you, you treat me more like a slave than a girlfriend, you never talk to me, we discussed you doing more at the weekend around the house ans here you are not doing anything again, your direct debit that you said would come out of my account once is coming out monthly and I don't have a job so now I'm £160 overdrawn on my account so when I do get paid I won't get any of it because it will pay off your debt!"
Yeah I really went for it like you wouldn't believe I'm crying and then he is shouting...
"I was happy but I was sick, We don't have money to celebrate, (we do for game rental though) I get games because I work and it's my money, Why should I have to tidy up I'm sick and have been at work all day, I didn't know the money was still coming out of your account I'll pay it off when I can."
Then it got more and more heated until he started pointing right in my face and looked like he wanted to kill me... and then it was so quick I don't really remember how it happened but I got hit in the face... hard. I thought he punched me but I'm not sure and he said he didn't. I pushed him back out of pure shock and cried loads, in all of this the leg on out bed broke of and I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. My jaw felt so heavy and my jaw is still locking up all the time. I eventually came out and we worked on fixing the bed, he cried and said sorry although he did not punch me and I put on a smile like I always do and said "I'm fine".
So this week has been difficult I'm still at home, more for the fact I have no where else to go and I'm still not sure how I feel about this, It felt like it happened to someone else. There is no one I can tell as my parents would say you made your bed lay in it. My sisters are busy and my friends live miles away. My jaw aches and he said sorry loads of times.
Any way I'm OK and I just needed somewhere that I could get this off my mind and to explain why I couldn't get my brain together to post last week. I don't really know where it goes from here this has happened once before and I think twice might be one to many for me. If you have been in this situation before please let me have any advice you've got email me if you don't want to comment. I feel so silly that I'm making such a huge deal of this when some women go through much worse.
Sorry for the over information, over sharing post.
Love
Simone
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
An update to hidden wonderland...
This post was about going to the interview and the post I'm now writing is to update and tell you I got the job!!!!
It was all because of the wonderland garden and now I'm pretty much doing this...
Love
Simone
xxxx
It was all because of the wonderland garden and now I'm pretty much doing this...
Love
Simone
xxxx
Hidden wonderland...
I had an interview at 11.30 this morning for a recycling company. Its in a place I have never been to before, I've only been past by bus. So I had no idea how long it would take me to find it it and looked it up on the Transport For London Website left a little earlier than suggested... I ended up in the area an hour early! But that was OK because I still had to find the place yet. A very nice man was cutting the grass so I asked him and he laughed as he told me the building I wanted was right behind me... I'd be waiting a while.
The recycling company is opposite a huge park and on the edge of that park is a wonderland! A tiny circular gated memorial garden. With an amazing huge twisting old tree right in the centre. There are the most fantastic brightly painted seats that are huge my feet almost couldn't touch the ground. All the plants are scented so it smells wonderful and there butterflies and birds every where. I had an hour to kill so sat on the bench under the sun oh the unexpected heat wave we are experiencing. It was bliss!
*I love the message on this bench*
So you can imagine I went to my interview very relaxed and happy and I think it went really well. I was just so shocked that this magical place is so close to my home and this is the first time I've seen it. Now I hope I get the job just so I can sit and eat my lunch in this wonderful space.
Love
Simone
xxxx
The recycling company is opposite a huge park and on the edge of that park is a wonderland! A tiny circular gated memorial garden. With an amazing huge twisting old tree right in the centre. There are the most fantastic brightly painted seats that are huge my feet almost couldn't touch the ground. All the plants are scented so it smells wonderful and there butterflies and birds every where. I had an hour to kill so sat on the bench under the sun oh the unexpected heat wave we are experiencing. It was bliss!
*I love the message on this bench*So you can imagine I went to my interview very relaxed and happy and I think it went really well. I was just so shocked that this magical place is so close to my home and this is the first time I've seen it. Now I hope I get the job just so I can sit and eat my lunch in this wonderful space.
Love
Simone
xxxx
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